Sunday, December 30, 2007

Oh noooo...

So I was flipping through today’s Star newspaper, and came across an article about singles.

Start Flashback

I’m driving at night alone to Domino’s Pizza to buy Pizza(obviously). On the way there I mentally decided to give up on my love-life, it’s bad experience one after another. Every time I like someone, it would just turn out bad. And I would hate those moments, even when nothing started.

So I’ve mentally decided that I wouldn’t care, wouldn’t give a damn anymore. Just be a bachelor for the rest of my life.

End flashback


The article talks about singles having perks during festive season where they could do what they want, go where they want whenever they want because of the freedom they get, although there are times where they might be lonely. Then came across this,

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I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a book! You can’t bring a book out to the movies, you can’t kiss the book, the book does not give you back warmth when you hold it. Noo……

And then below the short article is this

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Single men and women gather together for a speed dating thing.

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Some of them look so old. Noooooooooo, I don’t want to get old and be alone and decide it’s time to discover my other half. Which then brings me to a singles gathering so I can hold a random woman’s hand, NOOOOOooooo. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, yet, my very imperfect self is searching for a very perfect person, which is unrealistic.

You gotta know how to play the game, but that’s being fake, if being fake can bring me someone then I don’t want that. But if I’m true to myself, the only people I can attract are those with balls and penises. Noooo…. I can see myself in the future.

When I move out of my house, I will buy a bed fit for two, a dining table fit for two, a couch fit for two… but I would sleep on one side of the bed staring at the empty space beside me, imagining, wishing, hoping for the one to be there.

But please don’t let it be a book.

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

I know what my problem is

I am a selfish bad friend. I only care about myself, really. I care about what I want to watch, what I like but never about what people like.
When they go “This show is damn nice”.
I just go, “yalor yalor, haha it is very nice”

Fake shit!

Just agree with them. But I think, despite how much I hate fake people or being fake, I have to be fake. My friend tells me, don’t have to be fake, just be friendly. I think I have to be fake to be friendly because I don’t genuinely care about what the hell others think or want.

They like this and want that, I just laugh abit, give a smile and agree agree, and then I think they like me for that and then ego kicks in. woohooo, sohai meh….

So yeah, the next time I’m friendly at you, I am fake, because naturally, I am critical, quite hard to change but reduce lah, but I am, what I am…I think.

So next time if you tell me you like Bleach,
I will go “yeah yeah, Bleach, a lot of my friends also watch it”
In my mind I will be thinking, ‘sohai me, idiots watch anime lah’ (Just an example, I’m currently downloading 11.7GB/67 episodes of Yakitate Ja-Pan, in love with this anime because the main character is verry optimistic, honest and confident, everything I am not, hahaha)

So yeah, now it’s 7.07 am, haven’t sleep was out for family dinner, and then re-union dinner with college mates and then mamak and then to someone’s house and chat till 5.30am (About girls, men’s virginity, masturbation, and you know…boy’s talk, haven’t had these in a while, my other uni mates are all straight and proper, BORING), now trying not to sleep so I can go jogging later to wake up my brain. Past two days have been uber unproductive

SORRY Daniel Yap! I thought I not going to the dinner one coz I got family dinner, in the end I went there, late, so I didn’t call, Sue Anne wanted to call. It’s my responsibility to call sooo sorry didn’t call you. I belanja you 3 hours of Battlefield 2142 ok??

Yah past two days have been super unproductive because of my computer, the PROCRASTINATING MACHINE.

Serious shit, I wake up, sit in front of computer, didn’t even brush teeth, so many thigns to do on the com.

1) Check forums, which I have plenty of, detailing forums, one automotive forum. Check detailing sites for new products. Forums easily 2.5 hours.

2) Games, Battlefield 2142, I’m just dying to play this game with lotsa real players. This can easily fill up 2 hours of my day.

3) YOUTUBE. This cibai site is the procrastinator’s homepage man. I go there only don’t expect to see anything, in the end click on related videos watch click watch click watch click, then think of things to search and watch. One was Kelly Clarkson’s American Idol Final performance of A Moment Like This, goosebumps man…. Ya, plentiful of stuff, on YouTube, this one EASILY 1-6 hours. 1 hour pass then you think, aiyah one more video won’t hurt, then another and another, and it all adds up. It’s 3pm, aiyah one more video and I will do my work, 3.15pm, aiyah 15 minutes only, another video, by the time you start getting tired, it’s already 11pm and you feel sleepy already, your brain is dead from all the inactivity and you don’t feel like studying.

4) TV shows(Torrents). So it’s 11pm, I decide to go to sleep so I can wake up early tomorrow, but wait what’s on my folder of downloaded videos from torrents. Geee, A few movies, Kitchen Nightmares, Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, Top Gear… So open one and watch lor, in the end watched again one full episode of Kitchen Nightmares(Campania episode rocks), and then open some Grey’s anatomy, boring, change to Top Gear, see some cars power sliding around, then 1am already. Then aiyah play “A BIT” of BF2142 lah, 1 hour gone, 2am.

Then only go sleep, I have to be the MOST unproductive guy on earth. I think I will be a very lousy boyfriend. Now procrastinated for 3 days and skip two days of class suppose to study to catch up during this period. Okay! 7.20am, the day is bright, wash face go jog! Right after listening to the Opening song of Yakitate Ja-Pan. Sing along to the song! Lyrics are below the video, hehe.



dokoka touku de mimi wo sumashiteru hito ga iru
arayuru basho de sora wo miageteru hito ga iru
yozora no shita de kuchibue fuiteru bokutachi wa
kotoba mo nai mama yubi de tada seiza wo nazotteru

samugariya no yume tsumetai kimi no te
atatameru mahou wa hitotsu no michi wo shinjiru koto

houki gumo no mukou ni mitsuketa hitotsubu no hoshi wa
kagayaku hoshi demo kasukana hoshi demo
kimi dake no hikari

mune no kumo no mukou ni mienai mama no michishirube
saa kono te wo hiraite ima nani wo shinjimasu ka

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Scrambled eggs

After watching this,


I decided to give it a try.

Replaced the sourdough bread with French loaf and the big mushrooms with button mushrooms.

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In the end, too much salt and chives. I put some cheddar cheese spread on the bread thinking scrambled eggs and cheddar cheese would create an explosion of flavour like in Ratatouille.

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But was more like ugh, too salty, the mushrooms and tomatoes were great. Next time Just less salt in the eggs, less chives, slower heat, and nothing on the toasted bread.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I AM NOT THE BIGGER MAN

GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS KENNETH! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA STOP BEING A WUSS AND GROW UP FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU NO USE< SISSY WIMP!
GOD DAMN IT, THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE ALIVE.
THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE FECKING GAY.
YOU AIN’T MACHO, PPL WON’T LOOK UP TO YOU. DAMNNN

Thursday, December 13, 2007

hmmmm

If Buddha and his teachings has compassion for all, then why does Hell exist? shouldn't we relieve them of their suffering too?

this will require further investigation....

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I want to tell you how I feel
but I can't because, I don't have the right to do so.
If I had, I would tell you that you are very special, and 'track 17'

I feel alive

Woke up early today with you on my mind early in the morning. I wished u good morning, and then changed and went to Kiara park. Jogged 4 laps on the lower part of the park. Exhausted, took a walk on the hill to cool down, reflecting on myself, reminding myself that everything I do, I do it for you.

While I was walking back to my car I was thinking about the talents I would like to have.
One of them is cooking, thought wanna go cooking class, and after watching many episodes of hell’s kitchen, kitchen nightmares…. How hard could it be.

So searched online for a cheese omellete recipe and tried to cook it. Came out looking like a pile of shit, haha. Taste was okay, not enough mint leaves and don’t have cheesy flavour, but it’s edible.

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One of my mission in operation to be a better man is to get a High Distinction for my business law(retaking) course this summer. So read and did the tutorial, and drew diagrams and such. Hopefully can keep persistence. Purpose; to prove to her that I am not a person who doesn’t care about education. To make myself worthy to be by your side.

So I arranged all my detailing contacts, washed my car, went jogging, finished my school work and I have extra time, oh yeah another one is to TOTALLY eliminate procrastination, I have free time, so kinda eliminating already. GOOD. Now if I can only call you to hear your voice, and let me tell you that I like u so very much….

Also while I was walking this morning, I answered a question that I’ve always wondered about, why do people always have enthusiasm? Many times I feel dead, I feel lost, my life isn’t worth living.

My answer to this is…I think..love. You are my inspiration, my motivation and my purpose. I have a purpose in life now, to make myself worthy to be by your side. And you are my purpose. And I hope I can live up to my words, which is, “I will wait….3-5 years”..I will wait….

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Negaholicism

From askmen.com

"I'm a confirmed negaholic. I don't just see a glass that's half full and call it half empty; I see a glass that's completely full and worry that someone's going to tip it over."
- Peter McWilliams

Are you a negaholic? A negaholic is someone who, consciously or not, consistently chooses to be negative. Negativity can become a habit that is difficult -- but not impossible -- to break.

And what if it's not your intention to be pessimistic? Being contrary, doubtful and wary might be ingrained in your character or you could be suffering from a neurological chemical imbalance.

brain strain

In a 2002 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, a condition called "negative affect" was defined as a "predisposition to anxiety, irrationality, anger, and a range of other unpleasant moods." Negative affect was said to be identified physiologically by increased brain activity in the prefrontal cortex. It's purported to be a permanent condition, but one that can be controlled.

When negativity is the direct consequence of the loss of a job, a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, it is considered a reactive mood disturbance and is generally a temporary condition.

Whether your negative thinking pattern is ingrained in your personality or stems from a specific event, it's characterized by physiological changes in your brain. The brain is composed of millions of neurons -- nerve cells that send and receive messages from the body using neurotransmitter chemicals. Such messages can be disrupted by a chemical imbalance.

There's no shame in seeking counseling or medical treatment to remedy a chemical imbalance and improve your quality of life. If pervasive feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy and an inability to function well persist for more than two weeks, they are considered to be symptomatic of clinical depression. Medication can help the brain regain control.

If your negative thinking patterns are the result of habit rather than a diagnosable medical condition, there are ways to counter them. Here are some tips on how to adopt a positive attitude.

shake negative thinking patterns

Identify your triggers
Become aware of when negative thoughts occur. Your thinking may become distorted when you're tired or hungry or when work pressures pile up. Monitoring your negative thinking patterns will help you identify what triggers them, enabling you to regain control.

Don't sabotage yourself
Expect and accept bumps in the road. Eliminate negative thoughts, recriminations and self-criticism. Don't dwell on past incidents -- learn from them and move on. Changing the way you view your world will allow you to see opportunities in obstacles.


Adopt coping strategies

Remember past slumps that inspired negative thoughts and remind yourself of how you got out of them. Some men find it helpful to keep a journal to navigate them through a rough patch until they regain their equilibrium. Even for a chronic negaholic or someone coping with depression, there's always hope. Focus on improving your self-esteem and confidence, and your attitude will become more positive.

Think before you speak

Force yourself to avoid saying anything negative for a few days. Think twice before talking and you'll become aware of your negative thought patterns. Some men find it helpful to visualize flipping a switch when a sarcastic or demeaning comment is about to spout or when defeatist self-deprecating talk creeps in. Create a new habit of becoming more accepting of others and yourself.

Seek out support

If your negative thought patterns seem to be rooted in a specific incident, talk with other people who have suffered through the same, whether it's losing a family member, a girlfriend or a job. A few counseling sessions with a qualified mental health professional could help you deal more effectively with life's problems and improve your outlook.

Get some perspective

Volunteer to help the less fortunate so you can reflect on the positives of your own life. We often become negative because we are impatient to get ahead, to increase our income and to improve our material wealth. Serving dinner at a homeless shelter can put things in focus.
Buddy up
Ask a trusted friend to point out when you're being negative. Create a signal so no one else can recognize his coaching. Act immediately to remedy the pessimistic thought or action by putting a more positive spin on a negative comment. It's all about transforming your attitude and creating new, healthier habits.

Ditch the whiners
Weed out negative people from your environment. They might be the ones giving you a negative attitude. Offer to identify when they are being contrary, and if they choose not to change, limit your exposure to them. Standing around the photocopier complaining about the boss is not good for your career or your attitude.

Refocus your mind

Find a hobby. Outside interests and regular exercise will boost beneficial chemicals to your brain. You may not think you have time for additional activities, but when you stop second-guessing your decisions, complaining about things beyond your control and feeling sorry for yourself, you'll have renewed energy.

Take stock
Recognize what's good in your life. Take an inventory of your strengths, talents and assets. Keep those positive thoughts foremost in your mind and the negative ones will not have an opportunity to take over.

Of course, you can't always talk yourself out of negativity. Never ignore symptoms that could signal a medical or mental health condition. There are meds that can help restore the chemical balance without adversely impacting your daily activities.

"In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy; to plow your anger and your energy into something positive."
- Lee lacocca

control your negativity
A certain amount of negativity is good. Anxiety helps you detect danger and assess risk factors in any situation. The important thing is to take control and focus on the positive. You can break negative thought patterns and you can get medical help for a chemical imbalance. Change your thinking and you can improve your mental health.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I am relieved....

Although the result is not positive I faced my fear and had to press call and end call for four times before I finally let it ring.

The tone rang and what seemed like ages to me, you picked up the phone. Although it was only a 4 minute conversation. Your sweet 'bye' at the end was worth the fear.

I asked for advice, I was given advice and encouragement in return. I became optimistic, and accepted that I might fail, but went ahead no less.

Now I am relieved, after what you've told me. This time I did not sit down and be depressed all the day, I did something, although nothing really came out of it. I got to know something which relieved me, of un-natural-ness. I get to be myself and learned to accept that I didn't make it. But I made the effort, I'm happy.

So it's time to move on, although I will still be reminded of you, and your never-ending loving-kindness, from time to time.

THANK you.