Friday, December 12, 2008

Motherland

Ohhh yeah, it's China baby!

So I was excited to go to China as I haven't been overseas for a looong time. And I envisage the place to be superior to Malaysia.

So here's my experience:

First stop is Hong Kong airport, from there we transfer to China.

At the airport, it was lunchtime and I decided to share a burger with my dad (I know I know, go Hong Kong eat burger? WTF?). So at the Burger King counter, my server doesn't speak english and this is how the conversation went.

Me: Bei ngo dai sei hou
Eng: Give me number 4

Plum lady server:
Eng: Medium or small?

Me: Medium
Eng: Medium

Me: Hor yi pong ngo chit liong pin mou?
Eng: Can you help me cut it into half?

* Plum lady server gives me a dazed look

Plum lady server: Ngo bei pa tou lei ah?
Eng: I give you a piece of knife?

* And I was like, wtf.... *

Me: ohh, ahhh, okok
Eng: ohh, ahhh, okok

Okay, so that was a bit unexpected, her un-politeness, or I'm just not used to it.

So anyhow we transferred to China and suddenly, all the Cantonese and English I was hearing back at HK airport disappeared, it's all Mandarin Chinese and I feel like I'm on Mars or something.

WTF ARE THEY SPEAKING???

Well I do understand a bit, and could only catch a few of the words they were shooting out of their mouths.

That night as I was walking in the streets of Shenzhen, I came across a shop and saw people buying bubble tea from it and I'm a big fan of one so as I head towards the counter, the lady offered me a menu, and it all looked like Greek to me!

okay well it's Chinese.

And with me full of pride and trying to evade embarrassment whenever possible, I walked away, fearing that they would sense my illiterate-ness. But I wanted a bubble tea drink so bad, I walked back up to the counter, pretending like a local, browed through the menu and stopped at the third item down the list, "Zhi ge" (This one)

"Mang guo ^$%@^ @#&^!%@ ?"
"shi shi" (Yes yes)

I recognized it was mango and thank goodness! Jackpot! Mango bubble tea, woohoo! Luckily I didn't strike something else because;

1) I like mango bubble tea, I mean who doesn't.

2) Thankfully, I didn't strike Duck's Feet bubble tea

And it costs me 6 Yuan (RM 3), and it tastes, phenomenal! It's the best bubble tea I've tasted ever!

The mango bubble tea in Malaysia is all, just plain synthetic flavour with some fake milky taste(creamer)

The China one is, like for real dawg!, with little chunks of mango in it, and the pearls are small and chewy, nicely cooked!

Seriously, it is phe-no-mi-nal.

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There's the bubble tea on the left, a cheap fake mango drink in the middle and 3 China flashlight I bought from the streets, which I got slaughtered for.

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The bubble tea shop is on the left (green signage), sorry for the blurry pic, I had to quickly snap it and put my phone back into my pocket. Taking a picture of a store there practically pus a huge ass flashing neon sign over my head saying, "LOOK! I'M A TOURIST! I HAVEN'T SEEN A BUBBLE TEA SHOP BEFORE!! LOOK AT ME!"

Oh yeah speaking of the locals, to avoid being detected as one as you are walking down the street I've created an ingenious idea.

First, Put your hands in your jacket pocket. Secondly, squint your eyes so that you are still able to see, but enough to look like a chinese.
Thirdly, hunch your back, don't walk with a good and straight posture.
Lastly, put your last finger up your nose and dig it.

You'll blend in immediately! Put all this together and you got an invisible Chinese cloak which enables you to walk on any street, under the radar.

After finishing our time in Shenzhen, we went to...erm forgot what is the name of the town/city/province, and we took the domestic flight.

Here I am at the airport,
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Here are pictures of one of their local petrol stations, Sinopec.
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And for dinner that night, you have the privilege to choose from a wide range of delicacies, to show a few of the local favourites,

Dog meat,
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Pig face,
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and snakes,
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Mmmmm, doesn't that all look simply appetizing??

We also had this, lobster sashimi,
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call me a bad eater as the raw meat is supposed to be very sweet but I tasted absolutely nothing. The flesh on the bottom half is taken out and is laid beside it, which is the white semi-clear thing you see near it's tail. All this while the lobsters hid is still moving a bit.

I felt cruel, chewing on it's flesh while looking at the alive and moving lobster.
It didn't feel good.

However, it didn't felt as bad as the time I put 4 BB gun bullets into a lizard.
It was in my room before my exam an I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't as the big lizard was on the wall above the bed. And I made a bad judgement of trying to shoot it.

The first bullet hit it's leg, which made it limp half way across the room, and then it stopped there, and I wanted it to go away, so I shoot a second shot. Which was puzzling as I didn't see it hit the lizard and didn't see it bounce off the wall either.

The third shot hit it's front leg and I could see a 'bruise', and then I couldn't stop there as it was suffering and had to kill it. :( :( :( !!!

At this point I felt really really really really down, I didn't dare shoot it again so my mum shot it, and it fell down on to the bed and bounced off to the floor at which point I took a can of Ridsect and sprayed it till it gone pale.

I felt like I murdered a human! It was the most devastating feeling ever, it felt worse then failing all papers in a semester. It was so bad. I promised I would never kill a lizard again.

Here's the lizard shot and severely wounded on my pillow,

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And remember the 'bruise', it was actually the red pellet which got stuck at the lizard's leg.

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And the shot that was puzzling? it wasn't that I didn't hit it, I did hit it but it
went into the lizard's stomach and caused it's guts to spill out.

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The weapon used,

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I was destroyed, I must've build years of bad karma with this. I intentionally, first-handed killed a creature.

It was terrible.

Ok, back to the motherland.

Here's a local street market,
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selling all types of foodstuff, fried noodles, pan-fried dumplings, candy coated fruits on a stick, lok-lok style dishes, pork 'hands', etc.

And the next two days, we headed to a new destination, the people there were not as fast-moving as the other province here, there are a lot of Karaoke bars.

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The night-view is better. And I don't mean the huge neon signs, it's the girls.

This area near the hotels taht I walk by I see alot of old men with young girls full with make-up blonde hair and very very very verrry pretty.

speaking of pretty, I don't know if it's me or what but there'e so much more pretty girls in China! I think it's because I'm Chinese my hormones rage when I see a girl with Chinese features.

Seriously, even at the poorer rural places the working girls look so pretty to me, and they are just the normal young girls.

At the new area, the prostitutes, or so-called local tour guide are almost like superstar, my hormones were raging during the trip to China.

China dolls. The term suits them perfectly.

Oh, continuing from my previous post, I didn't get the chance to meet the Korean girl, I had three papers back to back and being the master procrastinator that i am, I didn't sleep to study for the first two papers, by the 3rd night, I just couldn't push my body any further, I fell into a deep sleep and overslept for the paper, so I had to defer it with an illness reason. My laziness cost me heavily this time.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN KENNETH!!!

Nowadays I spend most of my time, cleaning my own car, catching up with things that I should have done months ago, and gaming.

Remember I used to brag about the greatness of Call of Duty 4?

Well, I got into it so much that I'm in an amateur clan, bought myself gaming equipments(mouse, mouse pad, keyboard, headphones), and have joined an on-going competition.

Everytime I go for training, I feel like a sampah masyarakat. I think nothing good comes out of gaming, you play with many players with bad attitude, I think all of those whom I know are materialistic, nothing good comes out of it.

so why can't I stop?

because, the fun, is, addictive.

Argh, my Buddhist side is deteriorating, I'm regressing faster and deeper each day.
But the thing I noticed is, I'm seldom depressed nowadays... could it be the gaming?

When I'm more extroverted, I don't get depressed.
When I'm introverted, locked up in my own hole, I ask myself all the self doubting questions which makes me depressed.

Hmmm.....

And onwards is 7 things about me, got tagged by Footiam.
His post is here:
http://dhammadelights.blogspot.com/2008/12/meme-7-facts-about-me.html

Okay I will write 7 things about my current self which most people do not know, the little details.

1) I feel like vomiting if I eat too fast or too much. It's like I get a hangover after eating chicken rice.

2) I'm overprotective towards my sister.

3) I'm afraid that my orthodontist will scold me because I haven't visited her after I took out my braces 3-4 years ago, which is why I never made an appointment, until last week.

4) I need things to be clean, organized an tidy, if not I feel uncomfortable. My blanket has to be folded, even if it was unfolded at 8pm.

5) I believe achieving perfection is possible, even though everybody tells me there's no such thing as a person with no flaws.

6) There are a few Buddha images hanging on my cupboard and wall, so I don't shoot the airplane in the room, but in the toilet. *EWWWW OK a little too much info there*

7) I want to be a nurse, not a businessman.

ok I have to tag 7 other people but I'm an introvert and don't like to show my neediness of others, yeah very shallow, so I'll just tag one person.

Yep, you guessed it alright, IZSO!

www.izso.blogspot.com, you are tagged! Write 7 facts about yourself please :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Failed!

Kim Jeesun!

That's her name...

So I took an elective this semester, the unit is Retail Management and during the first class, I sat beside this girl, with her cute cap and glossy lips, she looked so Korean, and later found out she is. That time I remembered I wanted to ask her something and just introduce myself, but I didn't, because of fears and limitations that my mind created and presumed(STUPID!). So I though, ahh there's always next week...

and yes I didn't again because I keep putting it off and after 4 weeks, I didn't go to class and she attended, and the weeks after that I attended in hopes of seeing her, but she didn't attend and today was our last week and last day of class.

yesterday I was psyching myself out, building positive mental attitude, re-reading my dating e-book and watching a video, which I only managed to watch 2.5 hours of, there are 12 hours in total.

And today in class, I entered late, but was delighted that she was there, we sat way apart... I said to myself I would at least get her e-mail address. There was no opportunity until we left class, and somehow I just stood there, not knowing what to do... I reframed my limitations of what she would think... so I didn't matter what she would think, and I didn't reframe what my friends would think.

Being a very critical person, I was afraid that they would criticize me, for example like,

"This Kenneth, see pretty girls then only go and make a move"

or

"This Kenneth, so shallow only look for pretty girls"

you get the point, and all these thoughts just keep charging into my mind, I had a great barrier to protect myself from what Jeesun would think of me.

But I forgot to build the barrier of what my friends would think.

So as Jeesun walked out the door, I stood there telling myself I have failed... and I realized I could have followed her out the door and somehow, we would strike a conversation. That time, my positivity gas ran out, and I fully regretted it.

I am the only one to blame myself for this. I discovered that the times were I tried to improve myself the most are when I'm infatuating a girl whom I want be together with (yeah I don't get the whole courtship thing, bear with me please)

And when I don't like any girl, I get lazy and drastically slowed down self-improvement, which is a mistake because I should gradually improve because one day, I might just meet the girl that I want to be with, or that's the idea at least.

And today I know this girl, but I just didn't build my positivity enough, didn't reframe my limitations enough, to build the courage and guts to approach her. Oh what a mistake I have made.

If only I have another chance to meet her... Kim Jeesun! if somehow you are reading this, drop me a message!!!

le sigh~

moral of the story: never stop improving yourself, eventhough it will not come in handy now, it will sooner or later! When you need it unexpectedly, then too bad, you're unprepared. Damn damn damn damn.

p.s. She reminds me of BoA

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

My mistake

You know what, I've just realized something that you(footiam and izso) has been trying to tell me, I've been pre-occupied by thinking about the true religion, what really comes after death, the truth to everything, that I've been swayed away from what is TRULY IMPORTANT.

Here I am quoting from a book by Franz Metcalf,

What would Buddha do to learnt he secrets of the universe?


Many statements I have left unsaid. Why have I left them unsaid? Because they are not helpful. They are not fundamental o the holy life. They do not lead to peace, knowledge, awakening, nirvana (Majjhima Nikaya 63).


Franz Metcalf(2002) commented, The simple answer to this question is that Buddha would not try to learn the secrets of the universe. He didn't teach them, either. In fact, when Buddha was teaching, several students implored him to reveal those secrets and he never did. They asked if the universe is eternal, if the soul and body are the same, if the Buddha continues to exist after death, etc. He never even said whether he knew the answers. Why didn't he speak? Because they just don't matter on the path of awakening. Buddha taught the path to peace, the path he calls the holy life in the passage above. This path makes us happy, loving and wise. That was what he cared about, and that is what Buddha tells us we should care about. When we get all hot and bothered about questions we can never answer, it is good to remember Buddha's example: he didn't bother himself about such things and he turned out okay.


That was my mistake, I've been angry and not very mindful of the things I do and say... and keep asking questions that I can never answer now, how stupid of me not to realize it sooner.

And the answer to my old post, and has also been mentioned by footiam before when he said "What's wrong with making money?", I didn't fully agree with that question but I do now after reading 'Profit is fine, making it our goal is harmful. Profit is good, greed is not'

With a mind of trust and harmony he conducted all kinds of business, yet he did not find his pleasure in the profit it made him (Vimalakitri Sutra 2).

Another stupid mistake I've been doing is finding the faults of different religions, what I should have done was to concentrate on the good, the fruits and use what I can and discard what I cannot. I used to condemn Christians in my mind(SORRY), now I don't anymore, hope my Christian friends out there can forgive me.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

In times of competition and rivalry

quoting from a little book of "Heart of a Buddha"

Cultivate peace first

in the garden of your heart

removing weeds of selfishness and jealousy,

greed and anger,

pride and ego.

Then all will benefit from your

peace and harmony.

What does one have to do to maintain unselfishness and not being jealous in times of competition and rivalry?

What if in your workplace, someone is selfish and doesn't share information with you when you ask it from them.

And they do not silently hint this to you but openly say, "I don't want to give you".

Do you do unto them like what they did to you, do you remain selfish to them EXCLUSIVELY.


If you don't and you stay on your path and maintain your unselfishness, are you being taken advantage of?
Will people think you're a fool for sharing information and giving help to the other party when that party does not do the same to you?

I remember reading a small section of a book online, Hakagure: Way of the Samurai, it states that if one is always focused on righteousness, one will bring about many mistakes.


I DISAGREE.

Righteousness will always prevail, in under any circumstances, just like honesty.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A week of regression

There's a saying,

"If today I have not progressed, I have already regressed"

And I have regressed for one whole week. I've become a sampah masyarakat, let me tell you how I lived my past week or so.

Last Saturday and Sunday I was out playing Call of Duty 4 with friends till 3-4 am.
And then I will wake up habitually at 1pm.

Thinking that my alarm will wake me up for school at 8am on Monday. But I couldn't, so I missed the morning classes. On Monday night although I didn't go out I spent my time on internet forums and flash games(www.onemorelevel.com) till 3-4 am and also thinking that my alarm will wake me up.

And again, it didn't, my body clock times are messed up, and so I missed my morning classes again, which are the tutorials and are more important than the afternoon lectures.

I don't have classes the next day so, COD4 again! Ever since some guys started a new 'clan' and I was in it, although not seriously, I started playing more. And the other serious guys are more serious.

They bring their own headphones, mouse and sometimes keyboard to the internet cafe. And I am expected to do the same since the attached microphones on those headphones don't really work.

So on Tuesday night, played till 3-4 am, and sleep at 6am. Next day wake up at 2pm.

Wednesday afternoon, when I should be studying, I read a new novel I bought and spent the day reading that. At night slept very late as well and on Thursday, missed my morning tutorial class.

And every night from that day till yesterday, COD4 till very late, wasting so much time and money.

So it was a whole week of no studying, missed classes, playing games. Downright sampah masyarakat.

man I feel so guilty, even on Saturday when I should be studying spent the day reading finish the novel, which was really good to me, title is Painter from Shanghai which tells the tale of Pan Yuliang(a real late painter) who was a prostitute and later became a painter.

And today, surfed internet forums, sleep in the afternoon, played some games, burned 'money' for ancestors and watched badminton from evening till night. (pity Lee Chong Wei, didn't seem on form as he made so many errors)

speaking about burning stuff for ancestors, now that I know a bit more about different religions, I asked a few questions as I tossed the folded paper with a square gold and silver foil in the middle.

Recently I've doubting the truth of religions. Christianity says this, Islam says that, Buddhism says this. WHICH is the TRUTH???

Each religion will say itself as the true one. I have no problem with that, but the thing I don't like about Christianity is their criticism towards others. Atheists are fools, humanism is a sin and stuff like that, if a religion is suppose to encourage peace, shouldn't it treat all as being equal and not to discriminate others?

I know we are supposed to be fearful of God, and forgive me for only thinking as a mortal human, but if his words are discriminatory, wouldn't that cause us to divide rather than unite?

And here's another reason why I think Christianity is more popular than Buddhism, fear.

After death, those who receives Christ and have faith in God goes to heaven. Those who do not, go to hell, regardless of all the good works you did, as long as you have no faith in God, you go to hell!

And according to Buddhism, it is about rebirth, and based on your karma, where you will rebirth in the next life. A Buddhists goal is to escape this cyclic existence, which doesn't seem so bad to be rebirth as long as your karma is good.

But according to Christianity, if you do not have faith in God and have only faith in yourself, then you will be going to hell.

So the disadvantage after death to a Buddhist is rebirth. The disadvantage after death to a Christian in Hell, the latter is of course the worse. The scarier one. If I am a Christian, I am safe, I am saved, if ultimately I am not going to heaven or hell but I will go through rebirth, then heck, that's no problem as long as I've done good in my life.

But if I am a Buddhist and if Christianity turns out to be the truth of all things, then I am going to hell, even if my karma is extremely good, because I did not accept Christ and have no faith in God.

I will have to find free time to ask some rinpoches and pastors about this.

Doubt is a terrible thing, it is destroying me I feel. But I honestly believe, for the survival of humanity, we should all follow Buddha's teachings. Total equanimity, and no discrimination.

It's now 1.45 am and I haven't prepare things for tomorrow yet, class is at 9am. I won't be sleeping and was actually playing COD4 at home with newly installed bots.

While waiting for some YouTube videos to load, I opened my pdf e-book, the Analects of Confucius. I downloaded it after watching the opening of the Beijing Olympics, the act where the 3000 Confucius disciples were reading things from their wooden scrolls. The grandeur of it all prompted me to search a bit about Confucius and what he teaches. He is a great thinker and existed before Buddha or Christ(551 BC - 479 BC).

Reading down page 7, something interested me,

Tsze-kung asked what constituted the superior man. The Master said,
“He acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his
actions.”

The word 'superior' caught my attention. I have inferiority complex, my self-esteem and confidence is at an almost record breaking low and negativity is way high up. The things I've read in self-help books isn't what I am. I want to appear superior, I am a chauvinist.

But after reading that, I realize I am anything BUT superior. I've told my assignment partners I will do this and that, and have this idea that I think will get us high marks, but I didn't do anything about those ideas. I am speaking before I act! So now will be staying up and starting what I should have finished days ago.

Another thought this week is that I am a jack of all trades, master of none. wait let me re-phrase, more like jackASS of all trades.

Let me list out:

At studying: I'm not brilliant, in fact I'm one of the stupidest guys at my uni.

At gaming: Not quick thinking or have great reflexes, my friend beats me.

At socializing: 110% introvert, so no need to mention.

At having a good personality: As a guy, my personality is fucked up. I like things that most guys don't, and most girls do. Why lah am I born like this.

At having a good attitude: Bah, you know me better from my posts, I'm lazy, negative, hypocritical, critical, and untrustworthy.

At being thrifty: I'm wasting cash, and it's not earned by me!

At fulfilling my responsibilities: I now what they are, and I do not have the luxury to spend hours gaming away, but hey, I am doing that very thing!


The worse thing is, I know all my flaws and I don't do anything about it, I am stagnant and unwilling to get out of my comfort zone, I resist change.

When I worked as a waiter last time my boss told me,

If you're a malay and you are that lazy, it's bad.
If you're a chinese and as lazy as that, you are the worst.


Another thought this week is about my uncertain future.

I am studying for a Bachelor's degree in business and commerce (economics and finance major).

And I hate it. I took it because I spent all my time playing games last time and when the time came to choose something to study, I just followed my friends, and here I am.

I first thought of becoming a banker and build up my capital to open my own detailing centre in the future.

Although feasible, I am unsure of the part of becoming a banker, I'm not a person who can think critically, I'm slow and unintelligent. Unlike a friend who worked as an intern at JP Morgan Chase (Hey Jian! *wave*), he wished to be a fund manager. Wow, I wish I could say the same for myself, but I know I can't do something like that.

I am slowly realizing I am the creative and imaginative type. I thought of becoming an actor, which I told my dad and was surprised that he said "Can !"

wow... but that would've put my degree to total waste. Which is wasting further as I failed quite a number of subjects.

One career that I think would fit my personality is nursing. But heck, starting again to study for it will make my dad fork out money, which I rather have him use for my siblings.

And of course my dad expects me to help him in his business in the future.

I don't think I'll be a very good businessman either.

If only I could rewind the clock. To quote from The Painter of Shanghai, "No matter how much we long to be in the past, we are rooted in the present".

Thursday, July 31, 2008

A love story


In form 5, I dread the times when we are asked to write essays or karangan, it's just time consuming and I would rather much play my Ragnarok Online. After 2-3 years studying dull financial gibberish, I miss those days and wish I could appreciate them more then. So I thought I try and write something, it's a short 950 word essay. It is purely fictional. Might be too mushy for the tough guys.

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I’ve known her since we were 12 years old. It was in our old classroom, sitting on our wooden desks and chairs. I used to lose myself gazing at her, lost in a wind of emotions. We lived our school years but never really got to know each other, until recent years. She may still have an effect on me as I sometimes lose myself in her eyes.

In the recent years, we grew closer to each other, as friends. I’ve been with her through some troubling times, some which may feel like hell to her, as it sure felt that way to me. She’s a very attractive girl, many boys will fall for her at the same time, it will be surprising to find her without a boyfriend at any given time. I’m happy for her if she is happy.

But I discovered her true self before any other girl. Is it possible? To love before infatuating? Is it possible?

This is how I felt, that if there was a girl I would be with the rest of my life, it would be her. But I am stubborn with my values, I’m against destroying relationships, especially of one whom I love. I love her.

What if she is to be taken away from me? I don’t have any right to keep her to myself. What if her lover wants her to be with him, in another country, far away from where I am, what if the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, disappears.

I want to stop that from happening, but I can’t. Her lover is taking her to France, as he himself is a French, she wishes to learn his native language. He is everything I am not. He is intelligent, he is successful, he is charming. Till that day comes, I cherish every single moment I spend my time with her. When we talk, I still tend to lose myself in her deep eyes. My surroundings didn’t matter to me, I could feel her speech was only masking what was really on her mind.

We remain friends for over four years, which feels like seconds when I am with her. We are both 22. The time has come for her to go to France. I’ve been single all my life because I haven’t found a girl that I will love, like her. I confess I’m not an attractive guy, or else I would’ve made the effort to be with her. But I didn’t want her to be unsatisfied or unhappy whenever she is with me.

I know the boys that want to be with her are better than me, so I held myself back, and just to be there for her when she needed me. But I can’t sit beside her in lectures anymore, I can’t eat with her during lunchtime anymore. She is leaving for France, and I always wanted to do something with a girl that I loved.

The evening before she left, I asked her out to a park, which may not seem unusual to her, as we were just two close friends. As we crossed the short bridge over a drain, we stepped on the concrete paved path. I tell myself this is the last time I will be with her, the girl that I want to be with, the rest of my life. We were just friends, but I feel as if my true-love is gone, my soul feels empty, for there isn’t a purpose in life after she left.

We walked for a minute in silence, hearing the dry rusty leaves floating across our feet. My emotions overwhelmed me, it made my hand reach for hers. I did not look at her, but I did not feel her resisting, I slowly slit my fingers between hers and locked our palms together. My surroundings were blurry, although I wasn’t looking at her, her beautifully shaped face, her hazel brown eyes, was very clear on my mind. The smell of freshly cut grass was invigorating, her warm hands were comforting to hold, but I didn’t feel the emotions I felt when I was 12, which was the first time when I saw her.

I felt a certain sadness, emptiness, like a young bird without its mother. I felt lost. I want her to stay, and I do not want her to go, but it is not my choice to make. She is happy, and I should be happy for her, but I am not.

We walked around the park twice. “Seth, is there something you want to tell me?” she said. Her sweet voice made me think of the days where I would just sit and listen as she talk to our friends. Our short conversations on the phone are even shorter as I can’t think of anything to say, but just to listen to her voice.

I stopped, which tugged her hand for a bit as she didn’t realize it. I grabbed her other hand, and build my courage to lift my head, it felt like I had a sack of rice tied to my chin. But that feeling soon vanished as my eyes met hers.

I love her, I wanted that moment to last, I didn’t want her to go. She looked at me in a way that I’m unfamiliar of.

I muttered, “I love you”. . .

Her eyes started to glimmer like the way the rippling sea looks during sunset. A tear rolled down her white cheeks. And then, I remembered immediately, it was the same way she looked at me when we were 12.

Her eyes grew deeper.

Her lips separated.

“I love you too”.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Drawing the line between...

1) Optimism and Arrogance

2) Humility and Pessimism

I came up with this diagram, and I call the balance the attitude equilibrium. This just includes 4 attitudes. right now I'm still finding the green spot, the middle spot, finding the balance.

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I want to be as humble as can be but sometimes find myself to be too pessimistic as I keep putting myself down. So I have to have some positivity/optimism, but at the same time cannot be too optimistic as I think this will lead me to become arrogant.

So now, I'm trying to find the 'attitude equilibrium'.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Sex

Everybody wants it. I’m young and still a virgin and want it more then anybody else.

Today I came across this thread in a forum I visit frequently.

Someone there is asking about a situation where his friend has been asked by an ex-gf (a hot one), to make love to her.


That guy already has a steady gf for 4 years. And the ex-gf that wants to have sex with him is pregnant!


So he made a poll on the forum and asked if his friend should do it, i.e. to have sex with his ex-gf.

Or not to do it.

I stated if the ex-gf is single then probably. But the ex-gf is pregnant!

7 people said yes go for it.

3 said no, I can’t betray my current gf.


Guess where am I in there.

I mean, if you were married, would you like someone to have sex with your wife?! Sorry things like this angers me. There’s even one guy there who stated…

”no bull, currently i hav 2 'wife' gf (both wit still living husbands) ...and many times hav sex (wit condom) liao..

no force, no pressure... just plain willing, love, xciting, orgasm & pleasure sex “

I have utter disrespect for him, although I don’t hate him for living his own life. This is why hatred, anger, rage and wars exist, when people cannot control their own desires, when they want to acquire something to please their pleasures (I’m not talking sexually only).

This is why sex sells, because everybody wants it. I’m not saying sex is bad, it’s good, quoting from the bible “Be fruitful and multiply”, but do it responsibly.

Whatever happened to righteousness??

There is a wrong way for doing something right

But there is no right way for doing something wrong.

And having sex with a married ex-girlfriend is DEFINITELY wrong! Sure she is hot, and the sex will probably be steamy and the best one to have or will have in your life. But if it results in cheating not only your own girlfriend, also the other man, even though you don’t know him, is utterly WRONG.

Okay at least this boosted my self-esteem and I know I’m wiser than some blokes over there who voted for “yes, go for it!”. Especially the guy who said he’s having sex with two married women. And he seems to be proud of it.

Also to the two married women cheating on their own husband. Yalah you can call me young and naïve, but this is not about being naïve or not, this is about doing what is RIGHT!

Lies and deceit. Where is the truth, honesty and loyalty nowadays. Corruption is high, crime rates are high all because people want to obtain something to please their sensual pleasures. Human is flawed in so many ways, which is why I’m still a non-believer. If God is our creator, his creations are certainly not perfect. Sorry if I offended any Christians, this is just my worthless opinion.

To the guy wonderfully having sex with two married women while I have to masturbate in my room watching porn, well done to you.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

ok ok no more pessimism

I shall try!

These past few days I've been filling my mind heavily with self-doubt,
I can't do this I can't do that.

Just today I was walking to the car park in 1 Utama, and there's this tall skinny guy, who doesn't look very macho or guy-ish, but beside him is this extreeeeeeeeeemely hot girl, with the perfect body, perfect hair and perfect face, well to me anyway.

And I can't stop thinking what does he have that I don't.
Well he's probably a very optimistic person, well he's probably more hardworking, more intelligent, more... you get the point. And it goes on and on and makes me walk with my head pointing towards the ground.

My desire for life at the moment is zero, with no will or purpose to live.

I've been verrrrry pessimistic. But now I'll try to change, positive thoughts and blog posts from now on!!! (or as long as I can sustain).

I was actually a positive person. After reading a book by Keith Harrell's book, Attitude is Everything. But then afterwards I read another book, 7 habits of highly successful people.
In it it states that positivity does not bring results, or something like that.

An example to illustrate this point was that, a traveler is following a wrong map to get to his destination. A successful traveler will find the proper map, and the 'positive' traveler is absolutely positive that he will get to his destination.

From that point on, it kind of threw all the things I read about positivity away.

and negativity began... even when I go otu with my friends, we were dreaming about what cars to own in the future.
Of course anybody's dream car would be a Ferrari ( or a Lambo, depends on which camp you're in) When he mentioned a Ferrari I immediately said "Wah, sure cannot lah"
Then he told me "Why so negative?"

I didn't realize I was being negative because I thought that was the truth, I mean, what are the chances, of my friend and I, from one of the laziest class in school, in owning a Ferrari?

(yeah yeah I know A dream is only a dream and a goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline, make the dream a goal! *wow positive thinking right there!*)

but seriously, what are the chances and the probability????

so do you think I was being negative there?...

but anyhow from then, negativity and pessimism became automatic and apart of me.
Kenneth, the negative boy.

Okay from now on, positive thoughts...wow this is really harder than I thought...
I'm trying to say "I can do it" in my mind at the moment but as soon as I said " I can.... *negativity kicks in*... I sure cannot lah".

hmmm I should re-read that attitude is everything book!!
All the way babeh!!!!!

okay since I'm on an enthusiastic roll... let me tell you a joke. well, a to-be joke

Watching movies alone have become a norm to me and this morning while waiting for my car to be serviced I went to watch the incredible hulk movie( go watch it in the cinema, the sound effects and loudness are great). So I was lining up at Cineleisure's ticket counter,

Ticket girl: Hi

Me: yeah, Incredible Hulk, 12.15pm

Ticket girl: How many? One?

Me: Yeah....

Me: ...Unless you want to watch it with me. *give cheeky smile*



haha no I didn't said that, the conversation just ended at yeah, but I so wanted to ask her unless you want to watch it with me...haha wouldn't that be funny?

and if she said sure, but I get off work at 3pm, we watch the 4pm show okay?

And then we watch it together at 4pm and then get to know each other and live happily ever after.

Dream on Kenneth.


And another thought, before the movie I was having breakfast alone (scared to call any friends, fear of rejection mah*damn, negative*), while reading Memoirs of a Geisha (Chiyo-chan~!!), I had this thought, if I were to be a bachelor, for life! and nobody ever wants me...

I could always go to a maid agency and pick a decent looking one and treat her like a wife...


*urK*

why do I even have such thoughts???????

pessimistic I guess, pessimistic about finding a girl... A friend tells me not to worry, you'll meet a lot of people when you start working...

1) well for starters many working guys don't have a girl...so what a re the chances that I would be able to find one?
2) Work? it seems like an eternity from now!!

sigh okay okay sorry no more negative thoughts I can't help it. It's au-to-ma-tic~



Automatic by Utada Hikaru, enjoy, have a good day!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

My (shallow) theory on the popularity of Christianity and how I lose friends.

Here’s why I think why Christianity is so popular.

There’s some statistics showing that 33% of the world’s population are Christians and only 5% and Buddhists.

You know why?

It’s the music.

Would you rather sing and praise the lord or sit and chant/meditate?

Christians have rock bands (e.g. the Planetshakers) that attracts thousands of youth.

What do Buddhists have? A venerable one that teaches you the proper way to sit, breath and meditate

Obviously the youth will prefer to rock out to wonderful music!

Why Buddhists don’t have such things? Well it will be a contrast to what the Buddha teaches, to release oneself from sensual pleasures, and ultimately, released from any desires.

This is just my shallow theory.

And let me let you in on why I don’t have close friends, and how I don’t get very close to any friend in the first place.

*arranged in chronological order*

Step 1: I get to know you, I talk to you, ask you stuff, I respect your views, I think you’re so funny and smart. I like you J

Step 2: As I get to know you, my uber-critical nature identify your flaws and register them in my head under your name. This fellar has so and so flaws that I don’t like (my selfishness), and that person has so and so.

Step 3: The next time I meet you, I take you for granted, I belittle you in my mind, I look down upon you. What we think in our mind reflect ourselves. Even though I don’t let you know that, but my attitude towards you tells you.

Step 4: You realize, hey this dude here has no respect for me, he thinks I’m insignificant, why am I even spending my time with him?

Step 5: Then that person I just knew looks for his other friends. Usually he/she may call me to go out for a drink in the beginning, because I often say I’m busy or give excuses, they stop calling. Because my mind will go, why go out with them, when they are of no benefit to me. See my evilness? But if they have no flaws, then my mind will turn jealous, ahh, this fellar, is so happy always and so positive always, why go with them and feel intimidated and inferior, I better stay at home and correct the people who make wrong statements on the internet to feed my ego and pride.

Step 6: Distance grow between us. Then I start to feel lonely, and then after a long time of loneliness and desperation, I start to miss you. Then when I meet you again, I’m all nice and funny to you again. And then my mind tells me I’m wasting my time and effort because I think you’re insignificant. And the vicious cycle begins.

Step 7: What could be a meaningful relationship in the end is often destroyed and my chances are lost. It’s easier to lose trust than to gain one.

This explains why I have no best friends, or close friends. This explains why my relationships with people are short, and often time’s people think I’m insincere or fake. And distance grows.

That’s also why I always wonder how do people treat everyone they know without discrimination, you know, they don’t talk bad stuff about others and are always positive, looking at the bright side of things. I wish I could be like that.

So if you think you are one of them people in my vicious cycle, I deeply and sincerely apologize to you. I try to change. I respect all of you really, but I’m very critical, negative, sensitive and gets jealous easily.

So I’m sorry if you think you’re insignificant in my life. You’re not! This applies to mr.anonymous, I wouldn’t be humbled without him (or her? O.o)

Monday, June 23, 2008

My trip to the church

So last Saturday, I went to the church, FGA, to attend a seminar/talk on creation, i.e. how the world and the universe came to be.

So I entered the church wearing my chain with the Goddess of Mercy pendant(Kun Yam)
Before the seminar started they started to sing a song, and it does make you feel humble when everyone sing, praising the lord, knowing that there is a supreme entity up there looking down on you and loving you.
So they started singing 'Praise the lord', 'I'm in awe of all of you', etc. etc.
I didn't although the song was very pleasant and I just clapped along.

Basically it's based on the bible. God created the world and all that's in them in six literal days. It is against what human scientists believe.

The bible says the world is approximately 6000 years old.
Human scientists say the world is 4.6 billion years old, calculated by analyzing the oldest rocks found.

So the seminar is basically pointing out that modern human scientists carbon dating techniques, etc. etc. are wrong/inaccurate.

Before the speaker, Reverend Albert, talked about creation, he first gave an overview for the purpose of the seminar, why men rejects God and so on.

Basically, he was talking about what I was.

In the work book he states 3 destructive philosophies.

1. Individualism - Live for myself.

And I do have this destructive philosophy, I remembered once my auntie borrowed me this book, the purpose of life, I didn't know it was based on god first, it wasn't stated on the cover.
After reading a few pages and then they slowly start to say we live for God, our purpose is to live for God, I got discouraged straight away.

My rebellious nature was thinking, why on earth do I have to live for an external factor??

Nobody affects my life but me. I am my own god. This is called individualism.

The second destructive philosophy is Secularism, i.e. God is unnecessary, because at the moment, I do think so that god is unnecessary, again because he is an external factor.

The third destructive philosophy is relativism, that there are no absolutes in life. I forgot what he said about this.

One part of the seminar talks about Christianity being under attack. The real issue is, is there a god??

So what people should do is, begin with God as he is truth. And to reject all lies and atheistic humanism lifestyle.

Now this sounds familiar right my Buddhist friends?
Buddha was a prince, he was a human. He meditated and got enlightened and preaches about his teaching to all.
Buddhists do not believe in a creator god.

So Buddhism is an atheistic humanism lifestyle, and according to Christianity, is not the truth and is not the way to live.

This leads me to another question. If those that did not believe in Jesus, they will perish and be sent to hell.

What about the people that were not exposed to Jesus and his doings at that point if time?
What about the people in India(for example) who know nothing about it, are they going to hell because they are not exposed to Christianity.

Another question, Buddha, where is he now?
Of course Buddhists will know that he is enlightened and has free himself from the cycle of rebirths and has achieved nirvana. He is in peace, eternally.

But Buddha did not believe in a creator god, so according to the bible, Buddha is in hell then?
He with all compassion and has relieved many of their suffering is in hell?
I'm not trying to create a controversy here, I apologize if I do, I'm just mentioning the questions that came up in my mind.

The creation seminar states that evolution is wrong.
Science is:
1) observable
2) repeatable
3) demonstrable

if evolution is true, then why aren't the monkeys in the Zoo turning to humans?
People there were laughing when they heard this statement.

To sum it all up, it's all based on the bible , and the bible is the truth of all things as it is god's words.
At the moment, human calculations, and it's factors and variables may be wrong, hence, contradictory to the bible.

I also found out that Adam lived for 930 years, and then when he ate the fruit he is not supposed to, he has sinned and decay started. Before that, there were no deaths and suffering, after Adam ate it, he sinned so all of man has sinned, and that was the start of decay, deaths arose.


So the things I learned,

According to Christianity, religions like Buddhism, derived from man, are false religions.
They do not like Aethists, because they deny the lord, the creator, the author.
Buddhism, is wrong, because all it's teachings are from MAN, not GOD.

I think it all boils down to, whether you believe in a creator-god.
If you believe him, then worship him and live for him.


I wonder if it is ok to have both.
believe in a creator god but still practice Buddha's teachings.

Since Buddha is man and God created man, he should be proud to see what his child, Buddha brought to the world!

I truly believe in the Buddha and his teachings and the way to end suffering.
The bible does say we are not allowed to believe in other god's as he is jealous of his relationship with you.
You only worship him.

But the thing is, Buddha is not a god, he is a man.

Is this a loophole? can we worship the creator-god, and practice Buddha's teachings?(e.g. meditation)
If can, than that would be ideal.

oh during the seminar, he quotes alot of proverbs from the bible, John what what, Corinthian, Romans something something.
This is all to state things that contradicts to what human scientists believe today.

So at the end of the seminar during the question and answer session I wanted to ask him,

"What if the bible is wrong?"

but of course I didn't as everyone would go *GAAASSSSP!!!* and look at me with huge round eyes.

"YE AVE SINNED!!! THOU SHALL PERISH ETERNALLY!!!!"

Doooooooom~~~

haha.

of course the bible can't be wrong to Christians, but
so are the palis and sutras to Buddhists.

for now my mind is open, I can accept Christianity but I am all for Buddhism. Maybe I should ask a Christian pastor about this.

Worshiping god and practicing Buddhism

and also a Buddhist monk, practicing Buddhism and worshiping a creator-god.

But hey you know what, if I can contribute to mankind by being born into the world again and again and to help free others from suffering, I'm all for it, instead of accepting Christ and go into heaven eternally...I will choose whichever way that is more selfless.

If both doesn't satisfy me, I would have to read the Quran! lol

so what do you think?
I welcome all comments, whether you're a Buddhist or a Christian or a Muslim. But please keep it friendly and respect other religions and faiths.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My younger brother's MSN personal message

JESUS is the key to our life, we would be in hell without him so respect him, give him love and he will love u. LOL=LOVE OUR LORD


My mum's a Christian, My Uncle(yeah the one featured in the 1st video blog post) and his wife, and now my brother... LOL, sorry I mean LtB (Love the Buddha).

Next thing you know, I'm a Christian haha...

I 'll be following my uncle to his Church after my exams to listen about Creation, how the world came to be etc.

should be interesting :)

sorry if I haven't replied to your comments izso and footiam, will tend to it shortly after my papers!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

RM2.70/litre

dang it, I just typed a post about the recent price hike of petrol price but the browser hanged up and got deleted.

To summarise,

RM2.70 new price for RON97 fuel.

Fuel price gap between RON92 and RON97 increase from 4 cents/litre to 8 cents/litre

More incentive to use RON92

Found out my Saga 1.3 campro tuned for RON95 and above

Bang head

Mad at people who is blaming the government for increase price hike

They cannot do anything with crude oil prices hitting record high.

Image hosted by servimg.com

Last two weeks read how high fuel price in U.S affecting people lives.
e.g.

Car pooling with three colleagues.

Cycling, jogging to work.

Cutting road trip plans.

Although latest news is that crude oil price fall by 2.7% as oil prices reduces fuel demand. Other news predicts that the oil price bubble will burst. Let's hope for this.

Thinking of getting a motorbike but ditched the idea in the end.

Living in Malaysia is actually not cheap because our income:expense ratio is lower compared to other countries like U.K

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Another flaw

another flaw that I've discovered about myself recently is pride. Maybe I am not egoistic, and the proper word is pride, and I have lots of it, the actions I do the thoughts in my mind. I keep performing actions that will make me look impressive/superior. I recently realized this after taking a tibetan personality test. Here you can do it too. The instructions are in italics

Take your time with this test and you will be amazed

Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you

Warning!!

Be honest and don't cheat by looking up the answers.



The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened.



This is fun to do but you have to follow the instructions very closely



Do not Cheat!



Make A WISH!! before you begin your test.



There are only 4 questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results.



Go down slowly, and complete each exercise as you scroll down



Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along



You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you alot abut your true self.



Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer.



Remember, no one sees this but you.








(1) Put the 5 following animals in the order of your preference:

Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig




(2) Write one word that describes each of the following:

Dog, Cat, Rat, Sea, Coffee




(3) Think of someone, who also knows you, which you can relate them to the following colours. Do NOT repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each colour:

Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green



(4) Finally, write down your favourite number, and your favourite day of the week.





Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.



Look at the interpretations below:
but first before continuing, repeat your wish!

ANSWERS:

(1) This will define your priorities in your life

Cow signifies CAREER

Tiger signifies PRIDE

Sheep signifies LOVE

Horse signifies FAMILY

Pig signifies MONEY





(2)

Your description of dog implies your own personality.

Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.

Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.

Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.

Your description of the sea implies your own life.




(3)

Yellow: Someone you will never forget

Orange: someone you consider your true friend

Red: Someone that you really love

White: Your twin soul

Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life



(4)

You have to send this message to as many persons as your favourite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded.
This is what Dalai Lama has said about the Millenium - just take a few seconds! to look it up, read it and think.

Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out of your hands in the next 96 hours. You will have a pleasant surprise.



And then the rest is to ask you to forward this e-mail to other people and your life will improve. I think that part is bollocks but 1-3 is quite interesting. So what did you get?


For number one I listed sheep, tiger, horse cow, pig. So my priorities in order are

Love, Pride, Family, Career, Money.

see, the bad one in this thing is the tiger, pride, and it's my number two priority! ranking ahead of career and money!

For the second question.

Dog - Friendly
Cat - Cute
Rat - Smelly
Coffee - Fake
Sea - Calm

I agree with all because I will like a cute girl, and my enemies, well don't know if they are smelly and my life is calm. But fake sex?? haha how can i have fake sex? the first word I thought was alert, but changed to fake.

The third question is quite weird also for Red, the person I really love I put my grandfather, I associate him because I associate red with anger, thus my grandfather, but then the meaning is like opposite -.-;

yeah so I was saying that my flaw is pride, I think I have pride because when I was young I use to get criticized alot, for my height, for my timidness, so I felt very inferior, and now whenever I have the chance I will do something that will make me proud in people's eyes that are looking at me (or so I thought). I'm not egoistic, I'm proud, very very proud. Like when I drive also, I will try to drive 'yeng'/cool a bit so my passengers can be 'impressed'. And sometimes when argue with my younger brother I don't even bother correcting him and teaching cause I don't want to look like the wrong one or like I'm lowering myself for him. See how high I want my head to be.

Now I need to figure out how to get rid of pride.

"He who knows doesn't say,
He who says doesn't know"

I belong to the latter.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

stopping arhat month

yeah so now you can think I'm scum because I've given up. hahaha

I've been doing it wrong because I forgot about the four stages of enlightenment.

words in italic are not my own words.

The first stage is to be a Stream-Winner, where at this stage, his insight is powerful enough to remove the first three fetters, namely:
(1) The belief in the existence of a permanent self;
(2) doubt in the ability of the Triple Gem (the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha); and
(3) The mistaken belief that moral rules and ascetic rites alone are sufficient to lead a person to Enlightenment.

from wikipedia;
Asceticism (Greek: askēsis) describes a life-style characterized by abstinence from various sorts of worldly pleasures such as maintaining power (especially sexual activity and consumption of alcohol) often with the aim of pursuing religious and spiritual goals.

A stream-winner, who is at the first stage of the noble path, is not yet free from craving1, ill-will, hatred, ignorance and conceit. However, unwholesome inclinations are not strong enough to lead him or her to kill, steal, or do other immoral deeds. A stream winner is mindful, and mindfulness keeps him or her on guard. The Buddha says, "A stream-winner avoids doing misdeeds that lead him to the lower worlds. Therefore he or she no longer takes life." So you should have confidence in the Buddha and meditate seriously.
When you have made some progress in meditation, you discover what mindfulness means. At the sight of a desirable object, you crave for it, and in the face of something offensive you become averse to it. You are not yet free from these unwholesome emotions, but mindfulness stands you in good stead and helps to restrain them. They lose their power and wither away. They are not out of control, as is the case with most people. They are not strong enough to make a stream-winner do evil.

1 I can watch Grey's anatomy! haha

I still have the first fetter and have to gain more knowledge that. The second, obviously is removed. The third, slowly removing.

The second stage is the Once-Returner. One who reaches this stage has succeeded in weakening the fourth and fifth fetters. These are:

(4) attachment to sensual desire; and
(5) ill will

The third stage is the Non-Returner where he COMPLETELY removes the fourth and fifth fetters.

At the fourth stage, he makes the final advance towards becoming an Arhat (a Perfecte One) who attains Nirvana because he has broken all the ten fetters, the last five which are:

(6) desire for existence in the worlds of Form;
(7) desire for existence in the Formless words;
(8) conceit;
(9) restlessness: and
(10) ignorance.

Here's an interesting bit.

You may ask what kind of rebirth will take place for the stream winner, the Once-Returner, the Non-Returner and the Arhat?
When a Stream-Winner passed away, he will no longer be reborn in any of the lower realms of existence. He will be reborn in the human or heavenly realms only. It will take him no more than seven rebirths before he attains Nirvana.
When a Once-Returner passed away, he will be reborn only once more as a human being. In that rebirth he would attain Nirvana,
When a Non-Returner passed away, he will no longer be reborn in the human realm; he will be reborn in one of the Pure Abodes in heaven when he will attain Nirvana.
An arhat who has attained Nirvana will not be reborn.

In this life I'm quite sure I can be a Stream-Winner, but a Once-Returner, will probably take lots of meditation, to remove my horni-ness.

Another thing that constantly arises my mind are that when I hear someone is a Christian I look down on them. which is WRONG and should show them compassion like anyone else. Have...to...remove...ill-will....

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Infatuation vs love.

I've been reading most of the articles on the first page after a Google search; infatuation vs love.

I realize that I think of all the people I thought I liked, are mere infatuations.
Here's a short table summarizing the facts.

Photobucket

So yeah, guess I'm still waiting... for that someone, for me to love.

btw Arhat month, is tough. I've given in yesterday, I was so frustrated because I didn't have time to study the whole day with my mum, dad, grandmother calling me and my brother and sister calling me to fetch them around...being the eldest brother is not a responsibility. It's an effing full time job.
I got so frustrated that I didn't even bother meditating and gave in to my sensual desires, and watched 2.5 hours of American Idol, the finale and the results show.
Back to meditating by tonight hopefully.

" A Buddha does not pay attention to the beauty of his clothes, the comfort of His bed, or the taste of his food. He does not pay heed to sense pleasures."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

too extreme?

Since Arhat week, I have been slacking 'majorly'.
I have been bad tempered and haven't been controlling my mind.
I have been indulging myself in all the music and videos I can see and listen.
*American Idol!*

Tomorrow is Wesak day.
Tonight I will be sleeping on a mattress on the floor and tomorrow is an early breakfast and meditation from 9.00 am to 6.00 pm
Can I do it?

and then, well this is a spontaneous decision but I think I need it with my exams starting on June 6.

Arhat MONTH!
4 weeks straight

"You think I'm scum?!"

Let's see if I can control myself.

As again, no music, no videos, no satisfying my sensual pleasures and desires.
No detailing forum surfing.

Daily meditation

Minimal or no procrastination.

damn I have to give up American Idol and Grey's anatomy for this.

Too extreme? maybe, but for an unfocused, unconcentrated, procrastinating, undisciplined guy like me. Too extreme may not even be enough.

and something I thought about this afternoon, am I a guy?

1) I watch American Idol, I teared when David Archuleta cried on the top 3 results show.
2) I watch Grey's anatomy
3) I don't like clubbing
4) I don't drink or smoke
5) I'm not aggressive (besides driving)
6) I care too much about other people's feelings(well sometimes, or is it just to please them. I found out many people are annoyed by this because they find it fake.)
7) I'm naive

or is it just because I am fake. I try to please people too much sometimes, maybe most of the time.

Arhat month begins tomorrow

19/May/2008 and ends on 19/June/2008
My semester exam begins on 6/June/2008 and ends on 20/June/2008.

Weekly reports to follow.
Let the way of the arhat begin.

LOL I found something funny too because while typing this post the word arhat is underlined in a wavy red line, and as you know, this mean it's not in the Microsoft dictionary

Then I typed the word jesus, appeared in a red wavy line and I right clicked to see if the correct word is jesus (with a capital J), but there's only jess and jests.

Photobucket

Then I typed the word buddha, also underlined in a red wavy line. But when I right clicked, there is the word Buddha with a capital B.

Photobucket

Then I thought "that's weird". So I googled Bill Gates' religion and found out that he's an aethist! LoL it's probably not on purpose but what a coincidence haha.

ATTENTION: NOT INTENDING to put down any religion or teaching here! so don't get all sensitive on me for my shallow mind alright. THANK YOU

Sunday, May 04, 2008

1st video blog?

Warning. Don't watch this if religion is a sensitive issue to you.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I belittle ugly people

That's another flaw.
When I see people who are fat or ugly I immediately belittle them in my mind. Well not only ugly, even people who are just slightly not so good looking, I already look down on them. I think they aren't that intelligent, aren't that smart, aren't that hardworking etc etc. But in most cases they are better at everything than me.

When I see a guy wearing his pants up to his hips, wearing and ugly shirt my mind will say "damn nerd man..."

and from that "damn nerd man..." my mind will then think "I'm cooler than him", and that leads to ego.


see how shallow my mind is?

And this happens really frequently because when I'm young, people tell me I'm cute etc. etc. and then this really gave me a bad ego boost, and I think I'm very good looking like that. So it's kind of embedded in my brain that I'm good looking than most people.

*as a matter of fact, I'm not*

So when I go to uni and see some engineering nerd walk past, I'll just think I'm BETTER because I THINK that I'm BETTER LOOKING. *shallow mind*. If I can totally stop belittling others, that will be a great achievement for me.

now quite tired, just finish washing lots of cloth for tomorrow's battle.
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And hooked on this song recently, the story of the lyrics almost brought me to tears. here, have a listen. And have a good day...




Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

what would you do....

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I went into my brother's room and saw this rat that the maid is trying to trap for few days and finally got it. When I entered to take this picture, it moved and tried to escape from the sticky mess. I got close with the camera and zoomed in, it moved some more and squealed. I don't want it to get killed, but what can I do...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Progress Report Day 6 & 7. Conclusion

It's been a week since I started to attempt to live the arhat way. Well I didn't set strict rules, just meditation, no pleasing of sensual desires and no procrastination.

Towards the end of the week, I felt lazier and didn't have the motivation to continue, one reason is because I haven't been meditating routinely. On day 6 I didn't meditate, at night I procrastinated.

second reason is because I tell my self that the end is near and I can finally have freedom. So I slacked, and the result was, I didn't follow my study schedule because of procrastinating on the night of day 6.

Today is day 7, I woke up late because I slept late at day 6 (about 5.00 am), so I missed lecture, when I came home I browsed forums for two hours. I noticed that my mind wasn't so disarrayed before browsing, but after browsing, my mind feels very heavy, because of reading other people's opinion and information. My mind has also become quite uncontrollable and have a very slight headache where I can feel my heartbeat in my head(I think you've experienced this before). And then on one of the site I visited, had a picture of a hot foxy woman with voluptuous cleavage. It pitched a tent in my pants and this drove my desire to tame the slithering anaconda. After two hours of forum browsing, I feel so idle.

I think forum browsing is like watching TV, where you just observe, watch and listen, you don't have to think or put in your part, then your mind starts to get idle, and it is hard to get back up again because it just stays there.

So my mind is idle, my body is lazy, I lied on the bed, wanting to sleep, although knowingly that I already have enough sleep. Then because my coming two weeks will be quite packed to catch up with my studies after a late assignment submission and detailing over the weekend. So I tried to force myself to study by just sitting on the chair and opening my book. I read the first sentence, I didn't get what it say, and I scan through the words again, but my mind is not on par with what my eyes are looking at.

My mind strays to the picture of the voluptuous woman, making me want more to clean my tubes and empty the sack. And then, no, this is arhat week, I tried to close my eyes and control my breathing, but it's not working, I want to meditate but the thought of doing i makes me feel lazy.

I went against my will and sat down on the floor, cross legged, one leg on top of my knee, in the full lotus position (thanks for the illustration posted on your blog Footiam!). Closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing, my heart was beating very fast, my desire to wank, to listen to music to watch a movie is very strong because I know the end is near and freedom is near.

10 minutes past, thoughts soften, breathing slower. another 5 minutes past, my mind is empty, no more thoughts, not thinking about what I've read or do or what I am going to do. Just focusing on my breathing, the mind is calm, the mind is steady.

I continue.

I didn't keep track of the time, but when I decided to stop meditating, I opened my eyes, and felt an inner sense of peace, I sit there and stare blankly into space. My sexual and sensual desires are gone. I go to my desk and do what I am supposed to do. The thought of wanting to wank or listen to music or watch videos did not disturb me. I am at peace.

This is true freedom, freedom from desires and the freedom from suffering.

It's now 4.37am, and my arhat week is finished, and remember last time I said, I wondered if it would be harder or easier to control my desires by the end of the week. I would say a 150% that it's definitely easier. I will continue this, well not too strictly, I will still keep up with the meditating and no videos or games, maybe just once in a blue moon.

But I have also identified that when the mind starts to get idle, it's difficult to climb back up and meditation is the answer. I think meditation should not only be practiced by Buddhists but by everyone regardless of religion. Christians pray, maybe the form of them saying their prayers and thanking Jesus is also a form of meditation/chanting, which helps them feel appreciative and aware of their surroundings. Maybe different religions have their ways of teaching on how to focus the mind? I dunno...

Now maybe can let myself to listen to music in the car, because my friends have to 'suffer' the quietness when they sit in the car because I don't let them on the radio, hahaha.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Progress Report Day 5

Didn't have time today also, when wake up straight away bath get ready and off to this team of guys' house. They service and do anything that has to be done in the engine bay. So they are overhauling this car and asked me to help them detail it.

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But I did make one mistake in the morning, a monk (don't know real or fake) came in when the gates are open, under peer pressure I just ignored him because in society people will just tell them off.

What I should have done was put my palms together at chest level, bowed to him and offer him some money for food because monks cannot take what is not given(one of the Buddhist precepts). Not react under peer pressure and just ignore him. Now I wonder how far he has to walk and ask before he can ask money for his lunch...damn. Doesn't matter he is fake or not, although my dad did tell me not to give any money to people wearing robes etc. etc. because they are all fake.

But one of my mentors during pre-u said that, doesn't matter they are fake or not, as long as you gave, if they are true then you have benefited them greatly, if they are fake, then just let them be, it's not causing you a major detriment.

ish, feel so regret now that I ignored that monk, if he was true he is a much higher level than me and I should have greatly respected him, I've failed as a Buddhist today. :(