Thursday, March 27, 2008

cream of crop

Here's my cream of crop theory on girls and guys. I define a girl who's the cream of crop to have nearly everything, looks, personality, character. This girl is very attractive and surely, many guys will go after her. She of course has a choice to make, to see among the guys going after her, which one she will choose or say, fall for, or get attracted to. And of all these guys that she has the privilege choose from, I'm sure she will also choose the cream of crop guy, one who has the looks the personality and all that.

So what if you, a guy who is not cream of crop, likes a cream of crop girl, but may also be contending with a cream of crop guy? No chance at all? I think it really depends on the personality, looks not really that much, but what type of person that guy really is counts more.

In my case, maybe got a little little bit of looks la, but as a person, FAIL.
I know many other guys who are way better than me in terms of, list together with me ya.

Selflessness, yes I know who.

Humour, yes I know a few.

Macho-ness/male essence, oh a lot.

Committed , yes, I'm not very committed.

Looks, ABUNDANT.

Attractiveness, to the girl la, I'm not gay, but don't think I'm attractive either.

Can give the girl a sense of security, alot I know, myself feel insecure, lagi cannot give girl security.

Hardworking, many, I'm lazy like shit, no worse then shit. Shit can slide down the toilet bowl, I'm as lazy and stagnant as a a rock.

Intelligence, most, I'm not the wisest guy around.

The point is, I know many guys who are better than me in almost every single way. So what's the solution to this dilemma? Don't go for a cream of crop girl.

And there's another one of my problem, I fall for girls tooo easily, they talk to me for 10 minutes with their long eyelashes fluttering, those sexy lips pouting when they want to act annoyed, laughing, and then in my mind goes something like

"wow, I wanna get together with this girl"

seriously, it does happen to me, and quite alot too.

yeah so normally cream of crop girls will normally get with a cream of crop guy. The cream of crop guy may not have the looks, but among all the bad looking guys going after this cream of crop girl, the cream of crop guy may have the greatest personality, so yeah. badaboom cream of crop girl and guy, tadah, success.

Sorry for my lame thinking, it's five thirty in the morning and I don't want to sleep because I have to send my sis to school at 6.45am.

So let's talk crap.

See this style of writing is weird, it's like I'm trying to attract attention, which is why I'm not being a very concentrated person right now. I'm not reflecting what's inside of me, rather, what's on the surface.

bullshit.

what?

I tried meditating for two mornings the past two days. First day managed 15 minutes, and 2nd day 30 minutes. But that is not the goal, I tell you is freaking hard. Okay so what I do is sit crossed legged, with my right leg on top of my left. And the back of my hands on my knee and I sit up straight, I close my eyes, regulate my breathing and try to imagine a blue disc.

So the purpose of my meditation is to empty my mind and to think about focus on the blue disc itself. JUST the blue disc, NOTHING else.

And it's really really difficult, My room is quiet and yet my mind jumps here and there, thinking this and that, when I do manage to focus for a few seconds, I feel my mind is at ease and really relaxed, then I start thinking about other stuff, then focus back, in less than a second, the blue disc pops into another image. real difficult, and monks are supposed to be able to meditate in public, with the distractions around them, they are able to focus they're mind and remain clam the whole time. That'll be my goal.

and now switching off Buddhism mode and turn on materialistic mode.

NATALIE FONG!
I don't buy Hypertune anymore, but while browsing the car mags looking for the latest issue of Autocar, I saw her being featured, and I immediately bought the mag.

look at that,

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dressed like that and pouting her lips like that, NOSE BLEED!!!!

but no, this is not my idea of a cream of crop girl.

someone like her is,

Monday, March 17, 2008

please don't food poisoning again.

Just came back from study and ta kei (play game/cyber cafe) was studying at mcd's bought tea and banana pie, didn't eat the pie, tea still got some left, so left both in the acr while I played my game. cmoe back, yes still got tea since I'm thirsty, drinked it all up, then Don beside me said eh got cockroach!

where?

it was at the banana pie! so I squished it(sorry you ate my pie), and threw it out together with the pie. Then a minute later I said, "fuck what if the cockroach thirsty after eating the pie he go and drink my tea how??"

"hailat di, food poisoning"

"fuck not again please don't"

fast forward 45 minutes to now(4.18am), I feel lumps in my throat and my stomach gurgling, same symptoms as I have last time and vomit like .... I don't even want to describe it.

In other news, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. How true.

please don't food poisoning please please please...

Saturday, March 15, 2008

patience deficit

wa lau wei my grandmother. This morning I woke up to fetch my sis to a driving school, then suddenly my grandmother follow. I ask, you follow for what? She said, go 'tok cham'(acupuncture) mah! I where got say got fetch you worr???

Yesterday you ask your father want to go or not because you going to fetch your sister anyway what. Yalah but I didn't say fetch you also! Then she say nvm she follow me into the car, don't want the maid to look down on her. ???.

*why I didn't want to fetch her- which was my mistake*
Because last night slept at around 5am coz go play games with friends. Then I thought just drop my sister then can come home sleep. Mahai not drive you all the way to jalan gasing, and then while you inside doing your acupuncture I do cock in the car and wait for you, and then fetch you home and then only get to sleep. But fucking sohai last night never say fetch her also. I ask my dad want me to fetch him only what, she go and assume that I can fetch, wtf.

*continue*
so sit in my car and she begin her emo-anger-sad-ranting session, things like you all got car you all very big lah. I want to buy my own car, you all don't let me drive. Last time when your daddy's business bad I give him my money, if I didn't give, you can drive your own car meh? you can live in a big house meh? cannot right? Everyone treat me like that one, like I'm a ghost like that. Only your father sympathize me one. Then after I drop my sister and then I decide to just send her there lah, don't want to listen to her fucking nonsense. AND THEN, she said don't want coz, you all want to action right, I action back at you all lah.

"We go there ah?"

"I say don't want already, want to talk so many times for what"

Niasing, just now complain like fuck now fucking say don't want. Fucking loose cibai.
I know, what a Buddhist should do, I didn't.

My big ego,
my want face attitude,
my kiasu behaviour

all made me don't want to do the things I'm supposed to do, so we went home. I've said before I'm impatient in normal times, and patient in times of conflict, this is an example of time of conflict, but My patience capacity with her has long run into a deficit already, mainly because of

1) I'm fucking critical, so is my grandfather, any small flaw she has my grandfather magnify and amplify and tell me.
2) She little bit thing damn proud. That's why she ask me drink her soup or eat anything I don't want to eat or take, coz if I did, when she emo she will say things like f I didn't boil the soup for you, you will have energy meh??? You didn't ask me to make the soup want you know, I make it for myself but give some to you one you know. MACHOWHAI I don't want to drink one lor, now you say you boil the soup for yourself but give some to me to drink.

This morning I might have raised my voice a bit at her. And a few times before this, coz for few weeks everytime I see her, or her name appearing on my handphone I will begin to hate already. Because me is to do one of the following:

1) Send her go bank
2) Send her go acupuncture
3) Send her check eye
4) Send her to general hospital
5) Buy things for her
6) Send her/fetch back from dad's office
7) Send her to uncle's house in Puchong
8) Ask me drink her fucking soups which I always fucking don't like and she will say "okaylah don't like next time I don't make, okay" but everytime she will make.
9) or some other thing.

But then it struck me when she said,

"If you shout and raise your voice to me like that, next time your wife would hate you"

and then,it repeated in my mind, and I begin to imagine a girl that I might fall for hating me. I cannot bear the imagination.

There are many types of people in this world, and I know three people who are of the same type. All of them are men, and one of them is me.

My type of guys are very egoistic, kiasu and want face, as stated above. They cannot lose, they are attention-seekers, they want people to think they are great, they feed on this attention and they feel proud and will think greatly of themselves about it, they look down on others, they think others are not capable. I don't want to grow up to be that guy.

I'm sorry. From today onwards, Buddha, I resolve to you, that I will obey all buddhist teachings, practices and obervances when communicating with my grandmother.

To have no anger, only patience in my thought and speech.
To have no ignorance, only wisdom and see things the way they are and not be clouded by emotions which will diffuse proper judgement.

I will respect her as my grandmother and that she cared for me while I was young and I should care for her now, until she isn't in this world anymore.

To ease her suffering instead of contributing to it.

If I do not perform what I have just said, punish me.

Plain white rice

You know today, I was rushing to uni to prepare for a group presentation. I knew I had a busy day ahead because after that I will have to review and then plan the times for my group and another partner to get together next week. As I am running the things that I will do through my head, one included what was I going to have for lunch, I saw the picture of the Mayo Chicken Chop rice which I wanted to try but always finish by 2pm, so I'm imagining the sweetness of the Mayo and the crispiness of the chicken. And then after I'm done I would want to go to Sunway Pyramid and spend 10 bucks on initial D ver. 4 because it's very very very fun. So I reach the parking lot, which was almost full, and had to park quite far away from the entrance to the university.

I get down from my car and walk cheerily to the entrance, on the way there I saw one of the cleaning lady that's responsible for cleaning the outside of the campus sitting near a pillar eating her lunch, she was wearing a large straw hat, so if I was next to her , she can't see me because of the hat. Out of curiosity, I looked into her blue container to see what she was eating. I saw alot of rice, and then trying to find if there was any fish, chicken, vegetables. What I saw was at the corner of the square container filled with rice, was some sambal, which was less than a quarter teaspoon. You can barely see the sambal, just the colour colouring the rice around it.

And then I suddenly felt sorry for her, I was thinking of eating some delicious lunch and then going to the arcade to have fun, all to satisfy my sensual desires, but she is eating just rice for lunch. It's hard to imagine being her, sweeping the leaves to a side, seeing students drive their cars and parking them in the parking lot, getting down from their car dressed to impress, wearing expensive gadgets and jewelry. Going to hang out with friends, having delicous food, anything that they wish to have. And she is just having plain white rice. Everyday. Sometimes I see people like this, for example, someone picking up cans from dustbins and drains, I feel like giving them money, but I don't know if I would insult them and indirectly telling them that

"hey you are not capable of earning money, here take some money"

or that's just the way my small mind thinks. I feel like bringing that cleaning lady on a date, and then buying her a delicious lunch, and make her feel appreciated. But I don't have the guts.

sigh. Sad.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What I need to be doing

IS meditating to improve my concentration because every time I sit in lectures my mind would wander off to one thing and then to another and then to another, before I knew it I didn’t know what the lecturer said for the past four to five slides.

I also need to reduce my ego. Why do I have a big ego, well I think I’m too soft compared to other normal guys, so recently, or probably for the past month or so, I have been impatient, angry, critical everything that a Buddhist isn’t. I thought that if I become all this, I would be a more regular guy who has ego. But it isn’t very wholesome because instead of helping and benefiting others who are in my circle. I draw a circle of people around me and push them out of my circle. Yes thaaaat’s me.

And also what keeps me from going for another girl is because I am not like the average guy. I hold grudges, I am critical. If I hate you, then I will probably hate you for a very very long time, and I won’t speak to you. I’ve been known to betray friends, to forget my relationships with them. I just don’t appreciate or love people. Okay anyway back to the point, because if I went for this girl for example, and it fails, for some I don’t know many reasons that I am, I would probably hate or dislike or resent her, A LOT. Even though it’s not her fault or anything or it’s bad timing or something like that, I would hold the grudge and would keep it inside me, burning. And because of this any relationship with the girl I had before would be destroyed, in my eyes. SO I don’t want to destroy any relationships which is why I’m forcing myself not to like/infatuate/fall in love with anyone, I know this sounds gay. And another problem is, I infatuate girls too easily. I can meet them for the first time and then they laugh and then I like them. WHAT? Yeah I’m weird.

I haven’t been controlling my anger much lately and just rather let it blow off at full force. BOOM. I find myself hard to forgive people, like my grandpa, he has little friends, he doesn’t go out with others much, if he does it’s probably young successful people only and they will call him uncle and respect him and he likes that because it builds his ego. I’m like that. I sometimes choose my friends. My grandpa if someone has offended him he would forget about that guy. AN example is one of my friend did a little mistake, which in my eyes ISN’T at all, and he said “These people ah, you can forget about them” then I said just because of small little things you want to destroy a relationship. In my head thinking, that’s why you don’t have any friends.

Another thing why I don’t update too frequently is because when I type a good post or something (although it isn’t but I always think it is, EGO mah) people comment and then I get egoistic. Then I start to become unnatural and think that I have people(note I didn’t use the words friend) bowing at my feet. See how corrupted and evil my mind is, can you see how my small mind thinks.

Oh another evil thought. Last week my university had an HIV exhibition called One Life, what you do is you wear a pair of ehadphones connected to an mp3 player, they will play a file, and then you listen and follow the directions, the purpose is so that you can live their life, as you walk through curtains you will go from one scenario to the other, and you listen to their sad stories finally you will reach a wall of hope where anyone can write words of encouragement and support and post it onto the wall, before I wrote mine I read some on the wall, and they are talking talking about Christ this Jesus loves you this that and I was thinking (Corrupted thought begins now), if you are a Christian why don’t you ask them to die faster so they can be in Heaven eternally and don’t need to suffer the discrimination from other people because they are HIV positive. Daniel Yap is probably gonna counter me with a comment, hehe (I’m waiting).

So I wrote my words on a piece of paper as well, it’s encouraging, it’s actually pretty stupid and me trying to show off my Buddhist knowledge(or the lack of) because I said something like “Although it is known to Buddhists that suffering is a fact of life, what you are going through is (forget already) then bla bla bla rebirth bla bla bla STAY STRONG!” -.-

What I should be doing is to do my work, I wrote what I’m suppose to do in an ORGANIZER (fuiyoh organizer), but then never follow, always like this plan already but then don’t stick to it. I need to be studying and preparing for my group presentation instead of writing this post. Okay that’s all the thoughts I have in my small, wretched mind at the moment.

Oh yeah let me tel you a story.

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This is my (are you ready), mother's mother's sister a.k.a my mother's side grandmother's sister. And both of them, my my mother's side grandmother and her sister are married to the same man. The story is this, first he married her (picture above) first, as they were very poor last time they sleep in the same house, which I imagine is small and dark. And you know when male and female are in the dark together, testosterone and progesterone levels may increase and then my mother's side grandfather, had sex with my mother's side grandmother(i.e the sister of the lady pictured above), and then got pregnant, and had to marry, so in other words, my mother's side grandmother is married to her brother-in-law,

or you can also say, I am an incest produce.

hahaha funny anot (it's real btw)