Saturday, March 15, 2008

patience deficit

wa lau wei my grandmother. This morning I woke up to fetch my sis to a driving school, then suddenly my grandmother follow. I ask, you follow for what? She said, go 'tok cham'(acupuncture) mah! I where got say got fetch you worr???

Yesterday you ask your father want to go or not because you going to fetch your sister anyway what. Yalah but I didn't say fetch you also! Then she say nvm she follow me into the car, don't want the maid to look down on her. ???.

*why I didn't want to fetch her- which was my mistake*
Because last night slept at around 5am coz go play games with friends. Then I thought just drop my sister then can come home sleep. Mahai not drive you all the way to jalan gasing, and then while you inside doing your acupuncture I do cock in the car and wait for you, and then fetch you home and then only get to sleep. But fucking sohai last night never say fetch her also. I ask my dad want me to fetch him only what, she go and assume that I can fetch, wtf.

*continue*
so sit in my car and she begin her emo-anger-sad-ranting session, things like you all got car you all very big lah. I want to buy my own car, you all don't let me drive. Last time when your daddy's business bad I give him my money, if I didn't give, you can drive your own car meh? you can live in a big house meh? cannot right? Everyone treat me like that one, like I'm a ghost like that. Only your father sympathize me one. Then after I drop my sister and then I decide to just send her there lah, don't want to listen to her fucking nonsense. AND THEN, she said don't want coz, you all want to action right, I action back at you all lah.

"We go there ah?"

"I say don't want already, want to talk so many times for what"

Niasing, just now complain like fuck now fucking say don't want. Fucking loose cibai.
I know, what a Buddhist should do, I didn't.

My big ego,
my want face attitude,
my kiasu behaviour

all made me don't want to do the things I'm supposed to do, so we went home. I've said before I'm impatient in normal times, and patient in times of conflict, this is an example of time of conflict, but My patience capacity with her has long run into a deficit already, mainly because of

1) I'm fucking critical, so is my grandfather, any small flaw she has my grandfather magnify and amplify and tell me.
2) She little bit thing damn proud. That's why she ask me drink her soup or eat anything I don't want to eat or take, coz if I did, when she emo she will say things like f I didn't boil the soup for you, you will have energy meh??? You didn't ask me to make the soup want you know, I make it for myself but give some to you one you know. MACHOWHAI I don't want to drink one lor, now you say you boil the soup for yourself but give some to me to drink.

This morning I might have raised my voice a bit at her. And a few times before this, coz for few weeks everytime I see her, or her name appearing on my handphone I will begin to hate already. Because me is to do one of the following:

1) Send her go bank
2) Send her go acupuncture
3) Send her check eye
4) Send her to general hospital
5) Buy things for her
6) Send her/fetch back from dad's office
7) Send her to uncle's house in Puchong
8) Ask me drink her fucking soups which I always fucking don't like and she will say "okaylah don't like next time I don't make, okay" but everytime she will make.
9) or some other thing.

But then it struck me when she said,

"If you shout and raise your voice to me like that, next time your wife would hate you"

and then,it repeated in my mind, and I begin to imagine a girl that I might fall for hating me. I cannot bear the imagination.

There are many types of people in this world, and I know three people who are of the same type. All of them are men, and one of them is me.

My type of guys are very egoistic, kiasu and want face, as stated above. They cannot lose, they are attention-seekers, they want people to think they are great, they feed on this attention and they feel proud and will think greatly of themselves about it, they look down on others, they think others are not capable. I don't want to grow up to be that guy.

I'm sorry. From today onwards, Buddha, I resolve to you, that I will obey all buddhist teachings, practices and obervances when communicating with my grandmother.

To have no anger, only patience in my thought and speech.
To have no ignorance, only wisdom and see things the way they are and not be clouded by emotions which will diffuse proper judgement.

I will respect her as my grandmother and that she cared for me while I was young and I should care for her now, until she isn't in this world anymore.

To ease her suffering instead of contributing to it.

If I do not perform what I have just said, punish me.

6 comments:

Khirul said...

hehe you're so funny. what if your grandma come across this blog?

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

haha

1) she doesn't know how to change channels on astro very well, let alone use a PC
2) even if she knows how to use the PC, she's illiterate , so she won't know what she is reading.
3) EVEN IF DOES KNOW what it says, then good, at least she can read what she's done and understand the scenario before starting to complain without even letting me talk

lol

izso said...

After reading all that, I don't understand your family's infrastructure so I can't really say I get it.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

hahaha.

footiam said...

Hi, author, you visited my dhamma delights blog and I visited you back just to see who you are! You seem to be a young man at his prime, still in college, I suppose and in your profile, you say you are inconsistent, funny, etc etc and don't really know who you are. Many young people go through what you are going through I am sure. I've been your age once and it wasn't easy. But this post of yours is interesting; not really funny to me because it seems like you are not enjoying your life even though you are driving around, ta kei you and there, and it looks like you don't enjoy the company of your grandmother and has yet to put up with her. I wouldn't say you are wrong or she is but really, everybody in this world is egoistic, kiasu and want face at one time or another. But if you really are that type, you wouldn't have written all these in your blog. You are attention-seeker you say and I suppose you don't have it, at least not the type of attention you want.. A person may act funny to attract some attention but that kind of attention is cheap and not fulfilling. It's a difficult world, I suppose and the fact that you want to have no anger, trying hard to respect your grandmother and to ease here suffering tells that you are in fact good inside; it's just that you do not know how to let that goodness show. I think it's all right to be angry sometimes, impatient sometime because we are not god but there must be a good reason to be angry and impatient. If you slap me for no reason I should be angry, don't you think? If you do that to me, I'll slap back; that I can say about myself for sure! Anyway, when it comes to our own grandmother or some other loved ones, it's so difficult. I have met people who had problems with their mother and father and I told them, just ignore them. Sometimes, a young person can be right and an elderly person can be wrong but we have to give in to the elderly person just because of his or her seniority and our love for them. It's not an easy thing to do and I am not asking you to do anything except to be yourself. Show the goodness you have in you!

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

footiam,
thanks for the inspirational response!!!! =)