IS meditating to improve my concentration because every time I sit in lectures my mind would wander off to one thing and then to another and then to another, before I knew it I didn’t know what the lecturer said for the past four to five slides.
I also need to reduce my ego. Why do I have a big ego, well I think I’m too soft compared to other normal guys, so recently, or probably for the past month or so, I have been impatient, angry, critical everything that a Buddhist isn’t. I thought that if I become all this, I would be a more regular guy who has ego. But it isn’t very wholesome because instead of helping and benefiting others who are in my circle. I draw a circle of people around me and push them out of my circle. Yes thaaaat’s me.
And also what keeps me from going for another girl is because I am not like the average guy. I hold grudges, I am critical. If I hate you, then I will probably hate you for a very very long time, and I won’t speak to you. I’ve been known to betray friends, to forget my relationships with them. I just don’t appreciate or love people. Okay anyway back to the point, because if I went for this girl for example, and it fails, for some I don’t know many reasons that I am, I would probably hate or dislike or resent her, A LOT. Even though it’s not her fault or anything or it’s bad timing or something like that, I would hold the grudge and would keep it inside me, burning. And because of this any relationship with the girl I had before would be destroyed, in my eyes. SO I don’t want to destroy any relationships which is why I’m forcing myself not to like/infatuate/fall in love with anyone, I know this sounds gay. And another problem is, I infatuate girls too easily. I can meet them for the first time and then they laugh and then I like them. WHAT? Yeah I’m weird.
I haven’t been controlling my anger much lately and just rather let it blow off at full force. BOOM. I find myself hard to forgive people, like my grandpa, he has little friends, he doesn’t go out with others much, if he does it’s probably young successful people only and they will call him uncle and respect him and he likes that because it builds his ego. I’m like that. I sometimes choose my friends. My grandpa if someone has offended him he would forget about that guy. AN example is one of my friend did a little mistake, which in my eyes ISN’T at all, and he said “These people ah, you can forget about them” then I said just because of small little things you want to destroy a relationship. In my head thinking, that’s why you don’t have any friends.
Another thing why I don’t update too frequently is because when I type a good post or something (although it isn’t but I always think it is, EGO mah) people comment and then I get egoistic. Then I start to become unnatural and think that I have people(note I didn’t use the words friend) bowing at my feet. See how corrupted and evil my mind is, can you see how my small mind thinks.
Oh another evil thought. Last week my university had an HIV exhibition called One Life, what you do is you wear a pair of ehadphones connected to an mp3 player, they will play a file, and then you listen and follow the directions, the purpose is so that you can live their life, as you walk through curtains you will go from one scenario to the other, and you listen to their sad stories finally you will reach a wall of hope where anyone can write words of encouragement and support and post it onto the wall, before I wrote mine I read some on the wall, and they are talking talking about Christ this Jesus loves you this that and I was thinking (Corrupted thought begins now), if you are a Christian why don’t you ask them to die faster so they can be in Heaven eternally and don’t need to suffer the discrimination from other people because they are HIV positive. Daniel Yap is probably gonna counter me with a comment, hehe (I’m waiting).
So I wrote my words on a piece of paper as well, it’s encouraging, it’s actually pretty stupid and me trying to show off my Buddhist knowledge(or the lack of) because I said something like “Although it is known to Buddhists that suffering is a fact of life, what you are going through is (forget already) then bla bla bla rebirth bla bla bla STAY STRONG!” -.-
What I should be doing is to do my work, I wrote what I’m suppose to do in an ORGANIZER (fuiyoh organizer), but then never follow, always like this plan already but then don’t stick to it. I need to be studying and preparing for my group presentation instead of writing this post. Okay that’s all the thoughts I have in my small, wretched mind at the moment.
Oh yeah let me tel you a story.
This is my (are you ready), mother's mother's sister a.k.a my mother's side grandmother's sister. And both of them, my my mother's side grandmother and her sister are married to the same man. The story is this, first he married her (picture above) first, as they were very poor last time they sleep in the same house, which I imagine is small and dark. And you know when male and female are in the dark together, testosterone and progesterone levels may increase and then my mother's side grandfather, had sex with my mother's side grandmother(i.e the sister of the lady pictured above), and then got pregnant, and had to marry, so in other words, my mother's side grandmother is married to her brother-in-law,
or you can also say, I am an incest produce.
hahaha funny anot (it's real btw)