Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What I need to be doing

IS meditating to improve my concentration because every time I sit in lectures my mind would wander off to one thing and then to another and then to another, before I knew it I didn’t know what the lecturer said for the past four to five slides.

I also need to reduce my ego. Why do I have a big ego, well I think I’m too soft compared to other normal guys, so recently, or probably for the past month or so, I have been impatient, angry, critical everything that a Buddhist isn’t. I thought that if I become all this, I would be a more regular guy who has ego. But it isn’t very wholesome because instead of helping and benefiting others who are in my circle. I draw a circle of people around me and push them out of my circle. Yes thaaaat’s me.

And also what keeps me from going for another girl is because I am not like the average guy. I hold grudges, I am critical. If I hate you, then I will probably hate you for a very very long time, and I won’t speak to you. I’ve been known to betray friends, to forget my relationships with them. I just don’t appreciate or love people. Okay anyway back to the point, because if I went for this girl for example, and it fails, for some I don’t know many reasons that I am, I would probably hate or dislike or resent her, A LOT. Even though it’s not her fault or anything or it’s bad timing or something like that, I would hold the grudge and would keep it inside me, burning. And because of this any relationship with the girl I had before would be destroyed, in my eyes. SO I don’t want to destroy any relationships which is why I’m forcing myself not to like/infatuate/fall in love with anyone, I know this sounds gay. And another problem is, I infatuate girls too easily. I can meet them for the first time and then they laugh and then I like them. WHAT? Yeah I’m weird.

I haven’t been controlling my anger much lately and just rather let it blow off at full force. BOOM. I find myself hard to forgive people, like my grandpa, he has little friends, he doesn’t go out with others much, if he does it’s probably young successful people only and they will call him uncle and respect him and he likes that because it builds his ego. I’m like that. I sometimes choose my friends. My grandpa if someone has offended him he would forget about that guy. AN example is one of my friend did a little mistake, which in my eyes ISN’T at all, and he said “These people ah, you can forget about them” then I said just because of small little things you want to destroy a relationship. In my head thinking, that’s why you don’t have any friends.

Another thing why I don’t update too frequently is because when I type a good post or something (although it isn’t but I always think it is, EGO mah) people comment and then I get egoistic. Then I start to become unnatural and think that I have people(note I didn’t use the words friend) bowing at my feet. See how corrupted and evil my mind is, can you see how my small mind thinks.

Oh another evil thought. Last week my university had an HIV exhibition called One Life, what you do is you wear a pair of ehadphones connected to an mp3 player, they will play a file, and then you listen and follow the directions, the purpose is so that you can live their life, as you walk through curtains you will go from one scenario to the other, and you listen to their sad stories finally you will reach a wall of hope where anyone can write words of encouragement and support and post it onto the wall, before I wrote mine I read some on the wall, and they are talking talking about Christ this Jesus loves you this that and I was thinking (Corrupted thought begins now), if you are a Christian why don’t you ask them to die faster so they can be in Heaven eternally and don’t need to suffer the discrimination from other people because they are HIV positive. Daniel Yap is probably gonna counter me with a comment, hehe (I’m waiting).

So I wrote my words on a piece of paper as well, it’s encouraging, it’s actually pretty stupid and me trying to show off my Buddhist knowledge(or the lack of) because I said something like “Although it is known to Buddhists that suffering is a fact of life, what you are going through is (forget already) then bla bla bla rebirth bla bla bla STAY STRONG!” -.-

What I should be doing is to do my work, I wrote what I’m suppose to do in an ORGANIZER (fuiyoh organizer), but then never follow, always like this plan already but then don’t stick to it. I need to be studying and preparing for my group presentation instead of writing this post. Okay that’s all the thoughts I have in my small, wretched mind at the moment.

Oh yeah let me tel you a story.

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This is my (are you ready), mother's mother's sister a.k.a my mother's side grandmother's sister. And both of them, my my mother's side grandmother and her sister are married to the same man. The story is this, first he married her (picture above) first, as they were very poor last time they sleep in the same house, which I imagine is small and dark. And you know when male and female are in the dark together, testosterone and progesterone levels may increase and then my mother's side grandfather, had sex with my mother's side grandmother(i.e the sister of the lady pictured above), and then got pregnant, and had to marry, so in other words, my mother's side grandmother is married to her brother-in-law,

or you can also say, I am an incest produce.

hahaha funny anot (it's real btw)


izso said...

I thought incest was when blood relations (bro-sis-etc) went all hot and steamy? In-laws don't count you know.

As for the concentration thing, I totally get it man. I'm exactly like that. I listen for about 5 minutes, then my mind starts to wonder about what if aliens rushed in and took over the classroom, or what that hot chick would look like in a bikini, etc. Have never learnt to focus, but I did learn that by going prepared for the class helps when you don't get something and when the topic comes up it grabs your attention. Perhaps that would help?

As for being soft, uh... what's wrong with that? If it doesn't result in you turning gay then I don't see a problem really. Why the need to be macho? The more "wan yau" guys get the good girls and the bad-ass types get those you'd wanna fark but not wanna keep types. True fact. Hehe.

And as for the infatuation phase, it's normal too. Don't hold back, what you probably would like to do is to get to know these girls more and find out the good and bad about the girl. You might just find more bad than good and it'll just kill whatever interest you have before it blows outta proportion.

As for holding grudges, again I totally understand man. I still hate the guts of certain people I know but I don't let it get to me. I just ignore these SOBs and don't waste any effort bothering with them. But I secretly think of smartassed snides should any of these SOBs decide to try to talk to me. I have a few good ones too. Muahaha.

So dude, I totally get you man. Well, in this post anyway. Chill.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

damn, I wrote a long reply but then cannot post so I lost it.

what's "wan yau", yeah I know the good guys get the girls, but the too soft types just don't do anything that get girls attracted to them, they lack what my friend terms, 'male essence'. that's what I'm lacking.

izso said...

wan yau is cantonese for soft spoken. Uh.. is there really such a thing as male essence? Ish. Being all Rambo doesn't really count you know. Maybe sending you to outward bound school for 10 days would beef you up then. Hehe

Check it out in Google. I wanna go again.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

yeah I've heard about it, some of my friends went there. Not to worry I downloaded this e-book about creating attractiveness or something. share it with u when I see you online

footiam said...

Author, this post interests me too. You have asked me to post something on meditation in my dhamma delight blog but I see you are already meditating. When I was in college, I have exactly the same problem. I may be in the lecture hall and my mind will be wandering. You may have read somewhere that they say the mind is like a monkey, jumping here and there; so it should be perfectly normal. But you can train this monkey o course. During my time when I have this problem, I was a sad person. I don't have friends in university, acquaintances only and I was always hoping that I have one. Today, I grew up and can't be bothered about having a friend or not. I can understand if your grandfather or even if you get angry with someone and refuse to talk not just for a long time but forever. This can happen if you trust someone too much, has too high expectation and is let down, or a harsher word would be, betrayed. I don't see how you can be soft when you can write this post. Many people cannot analyze themselves like you do and it they do find themselves egoistic, temperamental and critical, they are not brave or frank enough to tell out. You did all these in this post; so, you can't probably be soft. You are far nicer than the average guy even though you hold grudges and critical. But if you can ask your grandfather not to destroy a relationship because of some small matter, you probably aren't the type to hold grudges for no reason; most of the time, it could you get hurt or betrayed. And this often stems from too trusting especially on the wrong persons and for the wrong reasons as well as a high expectation from others. Don't expect too much. Just live this live, won't you? It's too short and make it sweet and meaningful! And don't worry so much about having a relationship with some girl you meet and like. If it turns awry, just walk on and begin a new chapter in life. The past is just a chapter in life and you need not prolong it. You can use it to guide your present and future life though. And about meditation, it's not just sitting and focusing the mind. There are many type of meditation; I don't know which type you are practising. I have been exposed to Vipassana meditation but I am really no expert. For now, I can just say , meditation is not about sitting down cross legged and concentrating the mind until it hurts. If you go about life, knowing what you are doing, doing what you want, that's meditating.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...


thanks again, your advice has lots of meaning to it. THANKS