Saturday, April 19, 2008

I belittle ugly people

That's another flaw.
When I see people who are fat or ugly I immediately belittle them in my mind. Well not only ugly, even people who are just slightly not so good looking, I already look down on them. I think they aren't that intelligent, aren't that smart, aren't that hardworking etc etc. But in most cases they are better at everything than me.

When I see a guy wearing his pants up to his hips, wearing and ugly shirt my mind will say "damn nerd man..."

and from that "damn nerd man..." my mind will then think "I'm cooler than him", and that leads to ego.


see how shallow my mind is?

And this happens really frequently because when I'm young, people tell me I'm cute etc. etc. and then this really gave me a bad ego boost, and I think I'm very good looking like that. So it's kind of embedded in my brain that I'm good looking than most people.

*as a matter of fact, I'm not*

So when I go to uni and see some engineering nerd walk past, I'll just think I'm BETTER because I THINK that I'm BETTER LOOKING. *shallow mind*. If I can totally stop belittling others, that will be a great achievement for me.

now quite tired, just finish washing lots of cloth for tomorrow's battle.
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And hooked on this song recently, the story of the lyrics almost brought me to tears. here, have a listen. And have a good day...




Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

what would you do....

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I went into my brother's room and saw this rat that the maid is trying to trap for few days and finally got it. When I entered to take this picture, it moved and tried to escape from the sticky mess. I got close with the camera and zoomed in, it moved some more and squealed. I don't want it to get killed, but what can I do...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Progress Report Day 6 & 7. Conclusion

It's been a week since I started to attempt to live the arhat way. Well I didn't set strict rules, just meditation, no pleasing of sensual desires and no procrastination.

Towards the end of the week, I felt lazier and didn't have the motivation to continue, one reason is because I haven't been meditating routinely. On day 6 I didn't meditate, at night I procrastinated.

second reason is because I tell my self that the end is near and I can finally have freedom. So I slacked, and the result was, I didn't follow my study schedule because of procrastinating on the night of day 6.

Today is day 7, I woke up late because I slept late at day 6 (about 5.00 am), so I missed lecture, when I came home I browsed forums for two hours. I noticed that my mind wasn't so disarrayed before browsing, but after browsing, my mind feels very heavy, because of reading other people's opinion and information. My mind has also become quite uncontrollable and have a very slight headache where I can feel my heartbeat in my head(I think you've experienced this before). And then on one of the site I visited, had a picture of a hot foxy woman with voluptuous cleavage. It pitched a tent in my pants and this drove my desire to tame the slithering anaconda. After two hours of forum browsing, I feel so idle.

I think forum browsing is like watching TV, where you just observe, watch and listen, you don't have to think or put in your part, then your mind starts to get idle, and it is hard to get back up again because it just stays there.

So my mind is idle, my body is lazy, I lied on the bed, wanting to sleep, although knowingly that I already have enough sleep. Then because my coming two weeks will be quite packed to catch up with my studies after a late assignment submission and detailing over the weekend. So I tried to force myself to study by just sitting on the chair and opening my book. I read the first sentence, I didn't get what it say, and I scan through the words again, but my mind is not on par with what my eyes are looking at.

My mind strays to the picture of the voluptuous woman, making me want more to clean my tubes and empty the sack. And then, no, this is arhat week, I tried to close my eyes and control my breathing, but it's not working, I want to meditate but the thought of doing i makes me feel lazy.

I went against my will and sat down on the floor, cross legged, one leg on top of my knee, in the full lotus position (thanks for the illustration posted on your blog Footiam!). Closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing, my heart was beating very fast, my desire to wank, to listen to music to watch a movie is very strong because I know the end is near and freedom is near.

10 minutes past, thoughts soften, breathing slower. another 5 minutes past, my mind is empty, no more thoughts, not thinking about what I've read or do or what I am going to do. Just focusing on my breathing, the mind is calm, the mind is steady.

I continue.

I didn't keep track of the time, but when I decided to stop meditating, I opened my eyes, and felt an inner sense of peace, I sit there and stare blankly into space. My sexual and sensual desires are gone. I go to my desk and do what I am supposed to do. The thought of wanting to wank or listen to music or watch videos did not disturb me. I am at peace.

This is true freedom, freedom from desires and the freedom from suffering.

It's now 4.37am, and my arhat week is finished, and remember last time I said, I wondered if it would be harder or easier to control my desires by the end of the week. I would say a 150% that it's definitely easier. I will continue this, well not too strictly, I will still keep up with the meditating and no videos or games, maybe just once in a blue moon.

But I have also identified that when the mind starts to get idle, it's difficult to climb back up and meditation is the answer. I think meditation should not only be practiced by Buddhists but by everyone regardless of religion. Christians pray, maybe the form of them saying their prayers and thanking Jesus is also a form of meditation/chanting, which helps them feel appreciative and aware of their surroundings. Maybe different religions have their ways of teaching on how to focus the mind? I dunno...

Now maybe can let myself to listen to music in the car, because my friends have to 'suffer' the quietness when they sit in the car because I don't let them on the radio, hahaha.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Progress Report Day 5

Didn't have time today also, when wake up straight away bath get ready and off to this team of guys' house. They service and do anything that has to be done in the engine bay. So they are overhauling this car and asked me to help them detail it.

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But I did make one mistake in the morning, a monk (don't know real or fake) came in when the gates are open, under peer pressure I just ignored him because in society people will just tell them off.

What I should have done was put my palms together at chest level, bowed to him and offer him some money for food because monks cannot take what is not given(one of the Buddhist precepts). Not react under peer pressure and just ignore him. Now I wonder how far he has to walk and ask before he can ask money for his lunch...damn. Doesn't matter he is fake or not, although my dad did tell me not to give any money to people wearing robes etc. etc. because they are all fake.

But one of my mentors during pre-u said that, doesn't matter they are fake or not, as long as you gave, if they are true then you have benefited them greatly, if they are fake, then just let them be, it's not causing you a major detriment.

ish, feel so regret now that I ignored that monk, if he was true he is a much higher level than me and I should have greatly respected him, I've failed as a Buddhist today. :(

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Progress Report Day 4

aih, didn't have the time to meditate again. While at McD just now, accidentally played handphone game. and then had ill will again because one of my friends was asking another friend so many questions, like what aoub this and that this that, this one how, this leh, oh can like that one ah.

in my mind already thinking "stupid, go back study yourself lah"... Then I caught that thought in my mind and reflected that I should strengthen equanamity so I don't belittle others in my mind.

I find that if I don't meditate in the morning or anytime during the day, I do let my thoughts stray a bit and lose concentration. But if I meditate in the morning, will have concentration until somewhere in the afternoon then my mind starts to stray and have to meditate again to regain constant concentration and focus. then in the evening it will run out.

Tomorrow will have to be somewhere at 8am, hopefully can wake up and get ready and got time to meditate.

Meditate on the mindfulness of breathing for concentration and loving-kindness meditation to develop good values. Haven't done loving-kindness meditation before.

hmm

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Progress Report Day 3

6.00 am: still doing my assignment and have to get ready to go to uni, no time to meditate, so i didn't

12.30pm: bloody finished my assignment, so relieved and handed it in. Been trying to avoid games, TV and music altogether. On day one had a strong urge to listen to Dixie Chicks-Travelling Soldier, then tried to control and not open winamp, slowly now my desire to listen to it has weakened.

12.51pm: After handing in my assignment, I had free time, although I have 3 weeks of reading to catch up with, I didn't bring my books to read, so have to wait till 4pm until lecture starts. Was thinking to go Sunway Pyramid to have lunch after seeing some Wendy's advertisements on lampposts along the way. And then play Initial D4 later on. But then no games allowed...so I'm in my uni library typing this. I would go home and skip my lecture but have to fetch neighbour home later, which I don't mind really(coz neighbour's a she haha).

1.25pm: haven't eat breakfast or lunch, waiting for cafeteria to get empty so I can slowly enjoy my temporary freedom. Now just sitting here....oh yaya let me tell u a story. I was doing my assignment in the library right, and then I needed to pee so I went to the toilet(you don't say...) So went inside the cubicle, unzipped my pants, pulled out my *you don't wanna hear the rest I think*, and then came out from the cubicle, as I was tightening my belt, this arabian/pakistani girl came in, she quickly ran and kneel infront of me with her head facing my...
Nolah kidding, but a girl did came in and then she looked at me and was like "ehhhhh...OH SORRY SORRY" then quickly went out , haha I was laughing to myself while I washed my hands, then when I came out of the toilet she was telling ehr friend that she entered the boys' toilet. LoL, I also kinda laughed and told them

"Luckily I was using the cubicle"

hahaha I made a joke to a stranger o.o . yeah get it? coz if was using the wall urinal thingy she would've seen a male peeing in action(and probably my gargantua anaconda), hahaha. yeah so her friend laughed abit and then I just walked off, laughing still in my head. K nothing else to say (as of 1.39pm), will meditate when I get home after a shower. Trying not to fulfill my sensual desires....i don't know if it will get harder or easier by the end of the week.

oh I just found out that a few days ago Buddhists don't believe in God(the creator of all things)
here's what buddhism says about god
http://www.parami.org/buddhistanswers/what_about_god.htm

I'm also ithcing to get this racing steering wheel(RM320)
http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/gaming/pc_gaming/wheels/devices/320&cl=us,en

but that's a waste of money only to fulfill my sensual desires, so I shouldn't get that. But I wanna use it to play my F1 game~~~~~~~~

Arhat...control and tame the monkey mind......


7.40pm: send bro to tuition
8.00pm: park car nearby, sleep
9.30pm: fetch bro home
10.00pm: sleep, too tired to update. Although I would say that I did had quite alot of ill will when I was talking to my friends in Uni. bye. zzz

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Progress Report Day 2

7.39am: Went to youtube kind off automatically, then closed the browser before the video loaded. And got ill wil when I fetch my bro to school, because when I reach there my sis got down and he still tying the shoes in the car, then ask for allowance then complain about the school got spot check and he needs to buy a belt. I was like "Why early early never buy, now only complain, STUPID". Then when he got off the car he leg kena my door jamb panel, making it come out, then in my mind lah "mahai.....fucking dumb"....but I just calmly said "never mind just throw back inside". Still because I thought those thoughts......I still have ill will.

9.00am: bath and meditate, noticed that I can focus and get into a slow breathing state faster than yesterday

10.30am: so I was doing my overdue assignment right, and then wondering how much marks I will get penalized for being erm 3 days late. I E-mailed the lecturer, and this is how the e-mailing went.

arranged in chronological order

Dear Dr. Michael Yap,
>
> May I know how many percentage points or
marks will be deducted from
> my
> total marks if my submission for ECW3301
assignment is tomorrow on
> April
> 10th 2008. The submission date was April
7th 2008.
>
> Thank You
> Sincerely yours,
>
> Tang Chee Fei (20222033)


I have posted up the notice that there will
be no collection after 8
> April
> 2008. I have extended the deadline from
the original date by 3 days.
> You
> should have submitted by now.


*by this time I was like WTFFFFF! cause if not mistaken
if I fail the assignment,
straight away will fail the whole course, means I will
have to re-take again, and
I was like regretting like alot. oh man oh man
what did you get yourself into again Kenneth.....So I
hit the compose button lor,
and then thinking what to type, during that time...he
posted me another e-mail*

You can still submit but there will be a penalty.

*but I didn't see it coz I was still thinking what to
write to him as an appeal*

Dear Dr. Michael Yap

I understand the situation and fully accept my
irresponsibility.
Is there any way that I can appeal for a submission
tomorrow?
I will highly appreciate your sympathetic kindness
if I can have a second
chance.
I will have to discontinue this unit if I don't.

Thank you very much.

*as you can see at this point I'm pretty much
DESPERATE , then I went back to
inbox and saw his second reply and was like..
eh?? so fast reply? huh?,then he
send another e-mail*

Please see my latest e-mail to you.

*means, I CAN HAND IN TOMORROW!!! FUYWAAAH
saved Rm2,750!!!* frigging 'insaf'
and then straight away do my assignment and
in the evening fetch brother and
sister go tuition thencome home, do till
next morning and go to uni

12:00 midnight, at this time in McD with
some friends for our study session,
I was there to read up for my assignment
til the next morning.

Next post...




Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Progress Report Day 1

I started at 9.35 am after finish meditating, straight to my books, and then have to do assignment, so switched on the computer.
Now finding it really hard to resist, procrastinated a bit by visiting Buddhism sites, izso's blog, and checking e-mail. Thinking of unplugging the LAN cable, but scared later customer email then have to reply. So must really have the concentration/focus/will-power.

4.30pm : concentration ran out, so meditated for 15 minutes, and then read newspaper for about an hour! argh. Come back to computer, visited one forum and one blog. Finding it really hard to resist to play on round of Formula1 game.

6.57pm: Barely progressed with my overdue assignment.

12 midnight: Bad, major procrastination because I put detailing as one of the things I can do, I forgot to put study related stuff, currently assignment as my top priority, so I allowed myself to do the detailing stff thinking "hey this isn't procrastinating" but...doom

Kenneth Week.

This week is my week.

I resolve to do the following and will report every day what I do for a week.

1) Meditate every morning for at least 20 minutes.

2) Don’t do anything to fulfill my sensual desires, like:
  • Watching TV(or YouTube and the likes),
  • Listening to music(or radio, in the car or at home),
  • Playing games(at home, mobilephone or CyberCafes),
  • Excessive forum browsing(Automotive or detailing, only browse those that relate to what I have to do),
  • Don’t be picky about the food I eat.
  • Masturbating (or watching porn)

3) No procrastination, everything I do has to be either:
  • Studying or anything related
  • Detailing or anything related like arranging appointments, contacting customers
  • Fulfilling my responsibility as a brother like fetching siblings around or helping them with things that need to be done.

4) Through meditating, I can better control what my mind thinks and isolate the things that I don’t want to think, for example, ill will or egoistical thinking[Like don't feel proud when people compliment me or my work, which is something that I often do(feeling proud)]

Let the way of the Arhat begin.