Thursday, July 31, 2008

A love story


In form 5, I dread the times when we are asked to write essays or karangan, it's just time consuming and I would rather much play my Ragnarok Online. After 2-3 years studying dull financial gibberish, I miss those days and wish I could appreciate them more then. So I thought I try and write something, it's a short 950 word essay. It is purely fictional. Might be too mushy for the tough guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve known her since we were 12 years old. It was in our old classroom, sitting on our wooden desks and chairs. I used to lose myself gazing at her, lost in a wind of emotions. We lived our school years but never really got to know each other, until recent years. She may still have an effect on me as I sometimes lose myself in her eyes.

In the recent years, we grew closer to each other, as friends. I’ve been with her through some troubling times, some which may feel like hell to her, as it sure felt that way to me. She’s a very attractive girl, many boys will fall for her at the same time, it will be surprising to find her without a boyfriend at any given time. I’m happy for her if she is happy.

But I discovered her true self before any other girl. Is it possible? To love before infatuating? Is it possible?

This is how I felt, that if there was a girl I would be with the rest of my life, it would be her. But I am stubborn with my values, I’m against destroying relationships, especially of one whom I love. I love her.

What if she is to be taken away from me? I don’t have any right to keep her to myself. What if her lover wants her to be with him, in another country, far away from where I am, what if the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, disappears.

I want to stop that from happening, but I can’t. Her lover is taking her to France, as he himself is a French, she wishes to learn his native language. He is everything I am not. He is intelligent, he is successful, he is charming. Till that day comes, I cherish every single moment I spend my time with her. When we talk, I still tend to lose myself in her deep eyes. My surroundings didn’t matter to me, I could feel her speech was only masking what was really on her mind.

We remain friends for over four years, which feels like seconds when I am with her. We are both 22. The time has come for her to go to France. I’ve been single all my life because I haven’t found a girl that I will love, like her. I confess I’m not an attractive guy, or else I would’ve made the effort to be with her. But I didn’t want her to be unsatisfied or unhappy whenever she is with me.

I know the boys that want to be with her are better than me, so I held myself back, and just to be there for her when she needed me. But I can’t sit beside her in lectures anymore, I can’t eat with her during lunchtime anymore. She is leaving for France, and I always wanted to do something with a girl that I loved.

The evening before she left, I asked her out to a park, which may not seem unusual to her, as we were just two close friends. As we crossed the short bridge over a drain, we stepped on the concrete paved path. I tell myself this is the last time I will be with her, the girl that I want to be with, the rest of my life. We were just friends, but I feel as if my true-love is gone, my soul feels empty, for there isn’t a purpose in life after she left.

We walked for a minute in silence, hearing the dry rusty leaves floating across our feet. My emotions overwhelmed me, it made my hand reach for hers. I did not look at her, but I did not feel her resisting, I slowly slit my fingers between hers and locked our palms together. My surroundings were blurry, although I wasn’t looking at her, her beautifully shaped face, her hazel brown eyes, was very clear on my mind. The smell of freshly cut grass was invigorating, her warm hands were comforting to hold, but I didn’t feel the emotions I felt when I was 12, which was the first time when I saw her.

I felt a certain sadness, emptiness, like a young bird without its mother. I felt lost. I want her to stay, and I do not want her to go, but it is not my choice to make. She is happy, and I should be happy for her, but I am not.

We walked around the park twice. “Seth, is there something you want to tell me?” she said. Her sweet voice made me think of the days where I would just sit and listen as she talk to our friends. Our short conversations on the phone are even shorter as I can’t think of anything to say, but just to listen to her voice.

I stopped, which tugged her hand for a bit as she didn’t realize it. I grabbed her other hand, and build my courage to lift my head, it felt like I had a sack of rice tied to my chin. But that feeling soon vanished as my eyes met hers.

I love her, I wanted that moment to last, I didn’t want her to go. She looked at me in a way that I’m unfamiliar of.

I muttered, “I love you”. . .

Her eyes started to glimmer like the way the rippling sea looks during sunset. A tear rolled down her white cheeks. And then, I remembered immediately, it was the same way she looked at me when we were 12.

Her eyes grew deeper.

Her lips separated.

“I love you too”.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Drawing the line between...

1) Optimism and Arrogance

2) Humility and Pessimism

I came up with this diagram, and I call the balance the attitude equilibrium. This just includes 4 attitudes. right now I'm still finding the green spot, the middle spot, finding the balance.

Photobucket

I want to be as humble as can be but sometimes find myself to be too pessimistic as I keep putting myself down. So I have to have some positivity/optimism, but at the same time cannot be too optimistic as I think this will lead me to become arrogant.

So now, I'm trying to find the 'attitude equilibrium'.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Sex

Everybody wants it. I’m young and still a virgin and want it more then anybody else.

Today I came across this thread in a forum I visit frequently.

Someone there is asking about a situation where his friend has been asked by an ex-gf (a hot one), to make love to her.


That guy already has a steady gf for 4 years. And the ex-gf that wants to have sex with him is pregnant!


So he made a poll on the forum and asked if his friend should do it, i.e. to have sex with his ex-gf.

Or not to do it.

I stated if the ex-gf is single then probably. But the ex-gf is pregnant!

7 people said yes go for it.

3 said no, I can’t betray my current gf.


Guess where am I in there.

I mean, if you were married, would you like someone to have sex with your wife?! Sorry things like this angers me. There’s even one guy there who stated…

”no bull, currently i hav 2 'wife' gf (both wit still living husbands) ...and many times hav sex (wit condom) liao..

no force, no pressure... just plain willing, love, xciting, orgasm & pleasure sex “

I have utter disrespect for him, although I don’t hate him for living his own life. This is why hatred, anger, rage and wars exist, when people cannot control their own desires, when they want to acquire something to please their pleasures (I’m not talking sexually only).

This is why sex sells, because everybody wants it. I’m not saying sex is bad, it’s good, quoting from the bible “Be fruitful and multiply”, but do it responsibly.

Whatever happened to righteousness??

There is a wrong way for doing something right

But there is no right way for doing something wrong.

And having sex with a married ex-girlfriend is DEFINITELY wrong! Sure she is hot, and the sex will probably be steamy and the best one to have or will have in your life. But if it results in cheating not only your own girlfriend, also the other man, even though you don’t know him, is utterly WRONG.

Okay at least this boosted my self-esteem and I know I’m wiser than some blokes over there who voted for “yes, go for it!”. Especially the guy who said he’s having sex with two married women. And he seems to be proud of it.

Also to the two married women cheating on their own husband. Yalah you can call me young and naïve, but this is not about being naïve or not, this is about doing what is RIGHT!

Lies and deceit. Where is the truth, honesty and loyalty nowadays. Corruption is high, crime rates are high all because people want to obtain something to please their sensual pleasures. Human is flawed in so many ways, which is why I’m still a non-believer. If God is our creator, his creations are certainly not perfect. Sorry if I offended any Christians, this is just my worthless opinion.

To the guy wonderfully having sex with two married women while I have to masturbate in my room watching porn, well done to you.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

ok ok no more pessimism

I shall try!

These past few days I've been filling my mind heavily with self-doubt,
I can't do this I can't do that.

Just today I was walking to the car park in 1 Utama, and there's this tall skinny guy, who doesn't look very macho or guy-ish, but beside him is this extreeeeeeeeeemely hot girl, with the perfect body, perfect hair and perfect face, well to me anyway.

And I can't stop thinking what does he have that I don't.
Well he's probably a very optimistic person, well he's probably more hardworking, more intelligent, more... you get the point. And it goes on and on and makes me walk with my head pointing towards the ground.

My desire for life at the moment is zero, with no will or purpose to live.

I've been verrrrry pessimistic. But now I'll try to change, positive thoughts and blog posts from now on!!! (or as long as I can sustain).

I was actually a positive person. After reading a book by Keith Harrell's book, Attitude is Everything. But then afterwards I read another book, 7 habits of highly successful people.
In it it states that positivity does not bring results, or something like that.

An example to illustrate this point was that, a traveler is following a wrong map to get to his destination. A successful traveler will find the proper map, and the 'positive' traveler is absolutely positive that he will get to his destination.

From that point on, it kind of threw all the things I read about positivity away.

and negativity began... even when I go otu with my friends, we were dreaming about what cars to own in the future.
Of course anybody's dream car would be a Ferrari ( or a Lambo, depends on which camp you're in) When he mentioned a Ferrari I immediately said "Wah, sure cannot lah"
Then he told me "Why so negative?"

I didn't realize I was being negative because I thought that was the truth, I mean, what are the chances, of my friend and I, from one of the laziest class in school, in owning a Ferrari?

(yeah yeah I know A dream is only a dream and a goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline, make the dream a goal! *wow positive thinking right there!*)

but seriously, what are the chances and the probability????

so do you think I was being negative there?...

but anyhow from then, negativity and pessimism became automatic and apart of me.
Kenneth, the negative boy.

Okay from now on, positive thoughts...wow this is really harder than I thought...
I'm trying to say "I can do it" in my mind at the moment but as soon as I said " I can.... *negativity kicks in*... I sure cannot lah".

hmmm I should re-read that attitude is everything book!!
All the way babeh!!!!!

okay since I'm on an enthusiastic roll... let me tell you a joke. well, a to-be joke

Watching movies alone have become a norm to me and this morning while waiting for my car to be serviced I went to watch the incredible hulk movie( go watch it in the cinema, the sound effects and loudness are great). So I was lining up at Cineleisure's ticket counter,

Ticket girl: Hi

Me: yeah, Incredible Hulk, 12.15pm

Ticket girl: How many? One?

Me: Yeah....

Me: ...Unless you want to watch it with me. *give cheeky smile*



haha no I didn't said that, the conversation just ended at yeah, but I so wanted to ask her unless you want to watch it with me...haha wouldn't that be funny?

and if she said sure, but I get off work at 3pm, we watch the 4pm show okay?

And then we watch it together at 4pm and then get to know each other and live happily ever after.

Dream on Kenneth.


And another thought, before the movie I was having breakfast alone (scared to call any friends, fear of rejection mah*damn, negative*), while reading Memoirs of a Geisha (Chiyo-chan~!!), I had this thought, if I were to be a bachelor, for life! and nobody ever wants me...

I could always go to a maid agency and pick a decent looking one and treat her like a wife...


*urK*

why do I even have such thoughts???????

pessimistic I guess, pessimistic about finding a girl... A friend tells me not to worry, you'll meet a lot of people when you start working...

1) well for starters many working guys don't have a girl...so what a re the chances that I would be able to find one?
2) Work? it seems like an eternity from now!!

sigh okay okay sorry no more negative thoughts I can't help it. It's au-to-ma-tic~



Automatic by Utada Hikaru, enjoy, have a good day!