Monday, August 18, 2008

A week of regression

There's a saying,

"If today I have not progressed, I have already regressed"

And I have regressed for one whole week. I've become a sampah masyarakat, let me tell you how I lived my past week or so.

Last Saturday and Sunday I was out playing Call of Duty 4 with friends till 3-4 am.
And then I will wake up habitually at 1pm.

Thinking that my alarm will wake me up for school at 8am on Monday. But I couldn't, so I missed the morning classes. On Monday night although I didn't go out I spent my time on internet forums and flash games( till 3-4 am and also thinking that my alarm will wake me up.

And again, it didn't, my body clock times are messed up, and so I missed my morning classes again, which are the tutorials and are more important than the afternoon lectures.

I don't have classes the next day so, COD4 again! Ever since some guys started a new 'clan' and I was in it, although not seriously, I started playing more. And the other serious guys are more serious.

They bring their own headphones, mouse and sometimes keyboard to the internet cafe. And I am expected to do the same since the attached microphones on those headphones don't really work.

So on Tuesday night, played till 3-4 am, and sleep at 6am. Next day wake up at 2pm.

Wednesday afternoon, when I should be studying, I read a new novel I bought and spent the day reading that. At night slept very late as well and on Thursday, missed my morning tutorial class.

And every night from that day till yesterday, COD4 till very late, wasting so much time and money.

So it was a whole week of no studying, missed classes, playing games. Downright sampah masyarakat.

man I feel so guilty, even on Saturday when I should be studying spent the day reading finish the novel, which was really good to me, title is Painter from Shanghai which tells the tale of Pan Yuliang(a real late painter) who was a prostitute and later became a painter.

And today, surfed internet forums, sleep in the afternoon, played some games, burned 'money' for ancestors and watched badminton from evening till night. (pity Lee Chong Wei, didn't seem on form as he made so many errors)

speaking about burning stuff for ancestors, now that I know a bit more about different religions, I asked a few questions as I tossed the folded paper with a square gold and silver foil in the middle.

Recently I've doubting the truth of religions. Christianity says this, Islam says that, Buddhism says this. WHICH is the TRUTH???

Each religion will say itself as the true one. I have no problem with that, but the thing I don't like about Christianity is their criticism towards others. Atheists are fools, humanism is a sin and stuff like that, if a religion is suppose to encourage peace, shouldn't it treat all as being equal and not to discriminate others?

I know we are supposed to be fearful of God, and forgive me for only thinking as a mortal human, but if his words are discriminatory, wouldn't that cause us to divide rather than unite?

And here's another reason why I think Christianity is more popular than Buddhism, fear.

After death, those who receives Christ and have faith in God goes to heaven. Those who do not, go to hell, regardless of all the good works you did, as long as you have no faith in God, you go to hell!

And according to Buddhism, it is about rebirth, and based on your karma, where you will rebirth in the next life. A Buddhists goal is to escape this cyclic existence, which doesn't seem so bad to be rebirth as long as your karma is good.

But according to Christianity, if you do not have faith in God and have only faith in yourself, then you will be going to hell.

So the disadvantage after death to a Buddhist is rebirth. The disadvantage after death to a Christian in Hell, the latter is of course the worse. The scarier one. If I am a Christian, I am safe, I am saved, if ultimately I am not going to heaven or hell but I will go through rebirth, then heck, that's no problem as long as I've done good in my life.

But if I am a Buddhist and if Christianity turns out to be the truth of all things, then I am going to hell, even if my karma is extremely good, because I did not accept Christ and have no faith in God.

I will have to find free time to ask some rinpoches and pastors about this.

Doubt is a terrible thing, it is destroying me I feel. But I honestly believe, for the survival of humanity, we should all follow Buddha's teachings. Total equanimity, and no discrimination.

It's now 1.45 am and I haven't prepare things for tomorrow yet, class is at 9am. I won't be sleeping and was actually playing COD4 at home with newly installed bots.

While waiting for some YouTube videos to load, I opened my pdf e-book, the Analects of Confucius. I downloaded it after watching the opening of the Beijing Olympics, the act where the 3000 Confucius disciples were reading things from their wooden scrolls. The grandeur of it all prompted me to search a bit about Confucius and what he teaches. He is a great thinker and existed before Buddha or Christ(551 BC - 479 BC).

Reading down page 7, something interested me,

Tsze-kung asked what constituted the superior man. The Master said,
“He acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his

The word 'superior' caught my attention. I have inferiority complex, my self-esteem and confidence is at an almost record breaking low and negativity is way high up. The things I've read in self-help books isn't what I am. I want to appear superior, I am a chauvinist.

But after reading that, I realize I am anything BUT superior. I've told my assignment partners I will do this and that, and have this idea that I think will get us high marks, but I didn't do anything about those ideas. I am speaking before I act! So now will be staying up and starting what I should have finished days ago.

Another thought this week is that I am a jack of all trades, master of none. wait let me re-phrase, more like jackASS of all trades.

Let me list out:

At studying: I'm not brilliant, in fact I'm one of the stupidest guys at my uni.

At gaming: Not quick thinking or have great reflexes, my friend beats me.

At socializing: 110% introvert, so no need to mention.

At having a good personality: As a guy, my personality is fucked up. I like things that most guys don't, and most girls do. Why lah am I born like this.

At having a good attitude: Bah, you know me better from my posts, I'm lazy, negative, hypocritical, critical, and untrustworthy.

At being thrifty: I'm wasting cash, and it's not earned by me!

At fulfilling my responsibilities: I now what they are, and I do not have the luxury to spend hours gaming away, but hey, I am doing that very thing!

The worse thing is, I know all my flaws and I don't do anything about it, I am stagnant and unwilling to get out of my comfort zone, I resist change.

When I worked as a waiter last time my boss told me,

If you're a malay and you are that lazy, it's bad.
If you're a chinese and as lazy as that, you are the worst.

Another thought this week is about my uncertain future.

I am studying for a Bachelor's degree in business and commerce (economics and finance major).

And I hate it. I took it because I spent all my time playing games last time and when the time came to choose something to study, I just followed my friends, and here I am.

I first thought of becoming a banker and build up my capital to open my own detailing centre in the future.

Although feasible, I am unsure of the part of becoming a banker, I'm not a person who can think critically, I'm slow and unintelligent. Unlike a friend who worked as an intern at JP Morgan Chase (Hey Jian! *wave*), he wished to be a fund manager. Wow, I wish I could say the same for myself, but I know I can't do something like that.

I am slowly realizing I am the creative and imaginative type. I thought of becoming an actor, which I told my dad and was surprised that he said "Can !"

wow... but that would've put my degree to total waste. Which is wasting further as I failed quite a number of subjects.

One career that I think would fit my personality is nursing. But heck, starting again to study for it will make my dad fork out money, which I rather have him use for my siblings.

And of course my dad expects me to help him in his business in the future.

I don't think I'll be a very good businessman either.

If only I could rewind the clock. To quote from The Painter of Shanghai, "No matter how much we long to be in the past, we are rooted in the present".