Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Failed!

Kim Jeesun!

That's her name...

So I took an elective this semester, the unit is Retail Management and during the first class, I sat beside this girl, with her cute cap and glossy lips, she looked so Korean, and later found out she is. That time I remembered I wanted to ask her something and just introduce myself, but I didn't, because of fears and limitations that my mind created and presumed(STUPID!). So I though, ahh there's always next week...

and yes I didn't again because I keep putting it off and after 4 weeks, I didn't go to class and she attended, and the weeks after that I attended in hopes of seeing her, but she didn't attend and today was our last week and last day of class.

yesterday I was psyching myself out, building positive mental attitude, re-reading my dating e-book and watching a video, which I only managed to watch 2.5 hours of, there are 12 hours in total.

And today in class, I entered late, but was delighted that she was there, we sat way apart... I said to myself I would at least get her e-mail address. There was no opportunity until we left class, and somehow I just stood there, not knowing what to do... I reframed my limitations of what she would think... so I didn't matter what she would think, and I didn't reframe what my friends would think.

Being a very critical person, I was afraid that they would criticize me, for example like,

"This Kenneth, see pretty girls then only go and make a move"

or

"This Kenneth, so shallow only look for pretty girls"

you get the point, and all these thoughts just keep charging into my mind, I had a great barrier to protect myself from what Jeesun would think of me.

But I forgot to build the barrier of what my friends would think.

So as Jeesun walked out the door, I stood there telling myself I have failed... and I realized I could have followed her out the door and somehow, we would strike a conversation. That time, my positivity gas ran out, and I fully regretted it.

I am the only one to blame myself for this. I discovered that the times were I tried to improve myself the most are when I'm infatuating a girl whom I want be together with (yeah I don't get the whole courtship thing, bear with me please)

And when I don't like any girl, I get lazy and drastically slowed down self-improvement, which is a mistake because I should gradually improve because one day, I might just meet the girl that I want to be with, or that's the idea at least.

And today I know this girl, but I just didn't build my positivity enough, didn't reframe my limitations enough, to build the courage and guts to approach her. Oh what a mistake I have made.

If only I have another chance to meet her... Kim Jeesun! if somehow you are reading this, drop me a message!!!

le sigh~

moral of the story: never stop improving yourself, eventhough it will not come in handy now, it will sooner or later! When you need it unexpectedly, then too bad, you're unprepared. Damn damn damn damn.

p.s. She reminds me of BoA

Photobucket

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My mistake

You know what, I've just realized something that you(footiam and izso) has been trying to tell me, I've been pre-occupied by thinking about the true religion, what really comes after death, the truth to everything, that I've been swayed away from what is TRULY IMPORTANT.

Here I am quoting from a book by Franz Metcalf,

What would Buddha do to learnt he secrets of the universe?


Many statements I have left unsaid. Why have I left them unsaid? Because they are not helpful. They are not fundamental o the holy life. They do not lead to peace, knowledge, awakening, nirvana (Majjhima Nikaya 63).


Franz Metcalf(2002) commented, The simple answer to this question is that Buddha would not try to learn the secrets of the universe. He didn't teach them, either. In fact, when Buddha was teaching, several students implored him to reveal those secrets and he never did. They asked if the universe is eternal, if the soul and body are the same, if the Buddha continues to exist after death, etc. He never even said whether he knew the answers. Why didn't he speak? Because they just don't matter on the path of awakening. Buddha taught the path to peace, the path he calls the holy life in the passage above. This path makes us happy, loving and wise. That was what he cared about, and that is what Buddha tells us we should care about. When we get all hot and bothered about questions we can never answer, it is good to remember Buddha's example: he didn't bother himself about such things and he turned out okay.


That was my mistake, I've been angry and not very mindful of the things I do and say... and keep asking questions that I can never answer now, how stupid of me not to realize it sooner.

And the answer to my old post, and has also been mentioned by footiam before when he said "What's wrong with making money?", I didn't fully agree with that question but I do now after reading 'Profit is fine, making it our goal is harmful. Profit is good, greed is not'

With a mind of trust and harmony he conducted all kinds of business, yet he did not find his pleasure in the profit it made him (Vimalakitri Sutra 2).

Another stupid mistake I've been doing is finding the faults of different religions, what I should have done was to concentrate on the good, the fruits and use what I can and discard what I cannot. I used to condemn Christians in my mind(SORRY), now I don't anymore, hope my Christian friends out there can forgive me.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

In times of competition and rivalry

quoting from a little book of "Heart of a Buddha"

Cultivate peace first

in the garden of your heart

removing weeds of selfishness and jealousy,

greed and anger,

pride and ego.

Then all will benefit from your

peace and harmony.

What does one have to do to maintain unselfishness and not being jealous in times of competition and rivalry?

What if in your workplace, someone is selfish and doesn't share information with you when you ask it from them.

And they do not silently hint this to you but openly say, "I don't want to give you".

Do you do unto them like what they did to you, do you remain selfish to them EXCLUSIVELY.


If you don't and you stay on your path and maintain your unselfishness, are you being taken advantage of?
Will people think you're a fool for sharing information and giving help to the other party when that party does not do the same to you?

I remember reading a small section of a book online, Hakagure: Way of the Samurai, it states that if one is always focused on righteousness, one will bring about many mistakes.


I DISAGREE.

Righteousness will always prevail, in under any circumstances, just like honesty.