Thursday, October 29, 2009

Hi blog

It's been a long time huh? I hope there aren't many spiders spinning webs around you since I'm away. I guess the reason for my absence is because I was afraid of the thoughts of others when I post. If I post something bad, then people will comment negative things about it. If I post something good, then I'm afraid that I won't react positively enough to their potential compliments. I guess I should really follow the saying 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.

Lately I have been very low on enthusiasm and self-motivation. There's no drive and waking up everyday seems pointless to me. I have been so filled up with negative thoughts that sleep is a temporary relieve as I won't make myself think negatively that can make me tired even when I'm not doing anything.

People always say, you have to work for yourself, do things for yourself. I wish I had that kind of mindset because I think doing things for myself is selfish. This is because I think I don't deserve a place on this planet or don't deserve the air I breathe. So if I were to do something, it would be for someone else. The problem is, there is no one.

I recalled a dream a few weeks ago. It was me being romantically in love with another girl and the feeling was so real. I woke up and was lucky to be able to remember that dream because it was a feeling that I've never felt in years. I feel that if I have someone to work for, then I'll be motivated. People might call me immature because at my age, I still don't realize the importance of money.

I remembered telling my uncle last time, if I want to work, it is not for money, but to do what I love to do. His reply stabbed me, "Ken, sorry to say, you are saying that now because your dad got money". I am not trying to be boastful, but he is right. Since my father and grandfather came from a poor family, money was happiness for them. I grew up when my father was quite successful with his business, so I have been living quite comfortably. Maybe that's why I have a low motivation, as I believe money isn't difficult to make, or a lack of money wouldn't be a big problem. Also, maybe that's why I give my life-goal of finding the perfect mate a higher priority than money.

If you would ask me to create a list of goals, the top item would be to spend my life with a kind, selfless female. I would equate that with happiness, although most people would put items such as a Ferrari or Lambo on the list.

Also, my grandmother and father have been complaining about my sister spending too much time with her boyfriend. Every time they say that, I think to myself, at least she is happy.

I asked my friend's father once, "If you are the eldest son in the family and your father has a business, if you choose to go your own path and not continue the business, would that be a betrayal to the family?"

He said it is not betrayal, but if I do not get to choose what I like to do, then it is not fair to me. I just smiled and didn't reply, but I was thinking to myself, "Fair?? There is no fairness in this world. They didn't raise me up so I can do as I please, I don't deserve happiness". I have been pondering on the thought of doing my own thing or not when I graduate. I came to a firm decision during a preparation for a presentation which subject is about Hong Kong's entrepreneurship. Through it, I learned that the eldest son in a Chinese family have the responsibility to continue the family business. It is because of that, I decided to give up any hopes of pursuing to do what I like, although it will limit my income(e.g. opening a detailing shop). I don't deserve happiness.

My friend's father said it correctly, if you were Lim Goh Tong's son and if he were to pass down the business to you, would you reject it?

So I guess I will 'sacrifice' myself and let my younger brother and sister do what they want. Speaking about my younger brother, I feel sorry for him because I have not been a supportive brother. I resent him alot because he is exactly just like me, because I hate myself, I hate him too, although I try to minimize any bad actions toward him. Every time I want to make a bad comment or criticize him I would just keep quiet.

Well, this is my final semester, if I pass every paper. I have been procrastinating for four days and my exam is in 3 days, haven't studied a single bit. I can't control all the negativity, for example, I would think things such as if I were to be the boss of a company, how would people respect a lazy, non-brilliant, non-motivated person like me? or, how is a person like me deserve to have a lifelong partner of my dreams? It is during times likes these when death is the easy way out. Wouldn't it be easy if you could just erase your own existence and not suffer anymore? Buddha puts it perfectly, life is suffering, and death is not the way out as we believe in rebirth.

Which is why I'm already looking forward to my retirement age, where I won't have any responsibilities and can do what I like. This is actually consistent with certain cultures (e.g. Korea) where old age is the time to enjoy life.

During this semester, I do have feelings of being able to achieve anything and got glimpses of success in the future as I lead a group presentation and we were able to achieve a high distinction grade for the presentation and report. I believe when I'm motivated, or the purpose is clear in my mind, I would be able to do it. However, it's a thick layer of fog right now.

I often think of myself as a useless thing as people my age have already graduated and are working for respectable companies earning good money. Also, because I don't have the drive to earn alot of money, people look at me as being immature and naive. I think I would be happier doing a manual labour job and not be pressured to earning alot of money and purchase items that signify my social status due to inferiority complex(e.g. big house, BMWs, etc.). I would be happier shoveling cement powder into a cement mixer and hosing water into it. I would be happier cranking the little motor and slicing grass at an open field. In short, I would be happier if there were no familial responsibilities.

Then again, I might not value family as much because I have them, same goes for money. I envy my friends who have a drive in doing what they do. I envy those who are studying hard to fulfill their dreams and goals. I envy those that are working. I envy those that are in love with each other everyday.

How can I love others if I don't love myself, people often tell me. I try to limit portraying any negativity because it would often turn the conversation awkward, but when they do tell me that, I will think to myself, 'it is impossible to love myself'. The cause of all this might be the upbringing in my family, but I cannot blame them as they are brought up in a more negative inducing environment. My grandfather used to burn lit cigarette butts at my uncles' backs as punishment. My grandfather's father was very hard on him. So I cannot blame them and must change myself if I want to get out of this valley of darkness.

Speaking about awkwardness, I used to be comfortable around anybody and I think they use to be comfortable around me as well, keyword is used to. Now, any friend or old friend I converse with always end up in an awkward mood because I always try to please or impress them as I hate the feeling of them being displeased with any action or word I do or say. So I'm always being fake and I guess it is obvious, so they are not comfortable around me as well. Then when I detect the mood is awkward, I turn silent. This is one of the reasons I don't go on MSN anymore, I find it a burden to talk to people, which is the opposite last time.

If you understand the degree of negativity my mind is in now, you will understand why sleep is the temporary relieve, or escape from this treacherous world. As I cannot control my thoughts during my sleep, there is no negativity then. But when I wake up, it starts rolling downhill. This repeats day after day.

I await the day where I can honestly whisper 'I love you', and mean it, into a girl's ear one day.

Through one of the subjects in this semester, there is a group presentation as I mentioned above, and through that, I get to know this guy that is totally non-critical and non-judgemental towards others. I envy his attitude alot, for example, we were walking in a shopping complex one day and we passed by ToysR'Us, being a playful person, I would like to enter it but I was already thinking, 'he surely thinks I'm some childish person'. So I just jokingly said, let's enter. Then he said 'orh, go lah', I was surprised and asked him, "huh? you're not gonna criticize me by saying that's only for kids etc. etc.".... he said no. Isn't that great? Being able to pass your days without judging others and just live happily without the constant belittling of others? I think it's a precious attitude to have. Can money buy that? I don't think so.

So bloggie, thanks for listening and I will dust you off now before I leave again. Hopefully I will see you after my exams in 2 weeks time and if I am not moody I will talk to you again. I've been provided with temporary happiness by watching Family Outing (a korean variety show). Watching other people happy when interacting with each other makes me happy as well and makes me wish to feel genuine happiness in this lifetime.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I suddenly had a vision

I just imagined myself in a situation where I was driving really fast and caused an accident with an mpv carrying grandparents, a husband and a pregnant woman. I come out of the car dazed and slightly injured while all of them were dead from the crash.

I then took a piece of broken glass and slit my throat.

The next day, newspapers will be headlining,

"Boy suicides after causing the death of five"

Then the article will mention psychologists that study his background and blog stating that he has a very low self-esteem and very critical towards himself, this has caused him to suicide as he felt that he will not, under any circumstances be accepted by society after the accident.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Unconcsious fear?

So I just came back from a TT(Coffee talk) with a bunch of detailing enthusiasts. We sit and chat for a few hours, we drink and eat at the same time. Then it was 1.30am, nobody has left the table yet and I needed to, so I took the two bills on the table and decided to pay for my items.

At that time I thought to myself should I pay for everyone? mostly people drink and didn't eat, only me and two others ate, so I actually didn't mind paying, but another part of me said don't pay, just pay for my items and leave.

And that's what I did, what made me think that thought at that moment I wasn't sure, so after paying the bill and putting it back on the table, one of the fellow TT-er pushed a RM5 note to me, assuming that I've paid for the whole table since I took both the bills there. I said I didn't pay. He then took back his RM5 with a slightly erm...unhappy/confused/disappointed/criticizing look on his face(well that's just my perception).

The reason I took both bills are that my food was recorded on one bill and my drinks on the other, so I had to bring both and the cashier will cancel the items which have been paid, and the remaining items will be paid by whomever that ordered it respectively.

Being an overly-sensitive and always-thinks-about-what-others-think-of-me type of person, I sensed his dissatisfaction and then quickly regretted that I didn't pay for the whole table.

I later reflected on this when i left the vicinity and my first thoughts were stop thinking about this and stop regretting this because it will lead to an unhealthy mind. But I couldn't, so I reasoned that I didn't pay for the whole table because of a fear towards my image.

What image? What fear?

A fear that people might think I'm a rich man's kid that has money and is spending it like it is his, like he has a lot, spending it unwisely just to gain the appreciation of others. I might not think like this last time but now I am.

Where did this fear come from?

Then I realized that it was the comment from Anonymous on this very blog, his comments were very invasive and discriminating, ALTHOUGH I replied in a very gentlemanly and diplomatically manner, and were advised not to give a rat ass about his comments, subconsciously, it attacked me right where he wanted, and even more.

My friends were right that ignoring him would be best to maintain my state of mind.

But Anonymous was also right saying I can't do shit and is living of his parents' money uselessly. Well that is MY perception.

SO yeah although he did stop posting after I told him to, in a nice manner(or so I think). I thought that would be the end of it. I didn't realize at that time it had already attack my subconscious. Creating a strong fear of people thinking I'm living off my parents' money uselessly.

This fear emerged today and put me in an unpleasant situation. If I did pay for the table, some might appreciate it and some may criticize me for spending unwisely.

BUT I DID NOT, and made everyone think that I'm stingy and selffish, especially since I took both of the bills to the counter, which very obviously looked like I wanted to pay for the table.

When someone does something good, people forget. When someone does something bad, people remember (for a long time).

I should have paid for the table. My judgment was shrouded by an unconscious fear.

When replying Anonymous last time, I tried to be Buddha and tried to accept him in peace.

H O W E V E R,

I am NOT Buddha, externally I may have said those nice things and told him off nicely.

Internally, I am still human and still incapable of not letting it affect me. I am a weak human, it affected me directly.

Why is this fear so strong, because I have a strong fear of rejection(which stems from another source). This fear of rejection further strengthened the fear that I will be dubbed the kid who is living off his parents' money uselessly, which to me seems to be another type of rejection.

Where did my fear of rejection come from? Probably from my Grandfather and also from the lack of acceptance from my Father, which I have become very aware of lately.

I seem to be a white elephant to him, I feel like if I was dead, it wouldn't affect him at all since I am only wasting his money due to my existence.

I do have thoughts of committing suicide, well many, I suppose, from my old blog banner(me trying to kill myself with a butcher knife). Not sure if you have any suicidal thoughts yourself.

And my suicidal thoughts are very strong, strong enough that I am prepared to do it.
But it wasn't stronger than the responsibility that I have towards my family, if I leave, I will be wasting even more of his money. So that halted my suicidal thoughts.

I'm taking an elective unit this semester in uni.

Psychology, it's a first year unit and the very first unit for the course. And it is to me the most interesting subject I have ever taken during my whole pursuit of a degree in my uni. More interesting than all my economics and finance subjects COMBINED and MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, to THE POWER OF 32. [(3 years of Econs+Finance)*5]^32 is less interesting than 4 Weeks of Psychology

So I was reading the first chapters in the book and quickly associated myself to one of it's, erm...examples. I'll type parts of it here.

Excerpt begins:

Recall the case of Ray, the student described at the beginning of the chapter who could not understand why he was so shy.

...

To explain Ray's extreme shyness around women, Freud(Founder of psychoanalysis) might have explored whether Ray is unconsciously afraid of his sexual impulses and therefore avoids putting himself into dating situations where he would have to confront those hidden impulses.

...

In the case of our college student, Ray, a behaviorist might explain Ray's shyness around women by examining his past dating experiences. In high school, the first time Ray invited a girl to a dance he was turned down. Later, he had a crush on a girl and they went out once, after which she turned him down. Though nervous, he asked out a few girls after that but was turned down each time. Such punishing consequences decreased the likelihood that Ray would ask someone out in the future. Fortunately, Kira asked Ray out, and the positive consequences they experienced on their first date reinforced their behavior, increasing the odds that they will go out again.

...

A cognitive behaviorist might say that Ray's past dating rejections were punishing and led him to expect that further attempts at romance would be doomed. In turn, these expectations of social rejection inhibited him from asking women out and even from making male friends. While at home on spring break, family discussions helped Ray think about his situation in a new light. This helped Ray modify his behavior, become more outgoing, and improve his social relations ships.

...

Thinking about Ray's shyness and loneliness, a humanist might say that no matter how many rejections Ray has had in the past, he must take personal responsibility for turning things around. A humanist also might wonder whether, in his freshman year, Ray's happiness and sense of self-worth were resting too heavily on his hope for a good romantic relationship. By focusing on building a few friendships, Ray wisely found another way to satisfy what Maslow (1954) called "belongingness," our basic human need for social acceptance and companionship.

End of excerpt.

I don't want to be charged for plagiarism so I'm referencing the text above just to be safe. *Ignore it*

Passer, M., & Smith, R.(2009). The Science of Psychology. In Passer, M., & Smith, R., Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior(pp. 1-17). New York: McGraw-Hill.


On with the post, so I quickly associated with Ray because of my shyness around women, and his past dating rejections. I don't know why but I'm like him in that sense, every single time I want to act on it, I will be rejected. Well the reason may not be me sometimes (e.g. she is already interested in someone else), but the multiple times of rejection had just led me to conclude, it must be me.

And because my fear of rejection is already so strong, I have associated this rejection with the rejection from girls that my conditioned response is to be shy and avoidant around them.

And at this point of writing, I have a very strong fear of trying to approach a girl for a date. and I mean very, so much so that I would avoid 'one' as much as possible.

'One' relating to a girl, not the approach for a date.

This is even more pronounced with girls whom I perceive to be superior. (Yes, I have inferiority complex)

e.g.
Very good looking(hot lah...)
Very intelligent
High self-esteem
etc. Traits that I lack (or I perceive myself to)

And all this while I repressed these fears with denial and think that it is only an extreme case of shyness, after reading my textbook and associating myself to Ray, I realize it's my STRONG fear of rejection.

One of the reasons I feel empty is also because, like Ray, my happiness and sense of self-worth are resting too heavily on my hope for a good romantic relationship.

Yeah, that's about it. Now that I've realized it, I hope I can act and change it someday, since I am not repressing and rationalizing it as a shyness.

Thanks for reading, this post was typed from 2.45am to 4.04am.

My current state of mind is unhealthy and quite burdensome.

Oh yeah I also have the thought of not having children because I do not want to bring the suffering of life unto them.
Yeah you might say I will suffer when I get old and have no one to take care of me.

But as for now, better I suffer than them.