So I just came back from a TT(Coffee talk) with a bunch of detailing enthusiasts. We sit and chat for a few hours, we drink and eat at the same time. Then it was 1.30am, nobody has left the table yet and I needed to, so I took the two bills on the table and decided to pay for my items.
At that time I thought to myself should I pay for everyone? mostly people drink and didn't eat, only me and two others ate, so I actually didn't mind paying, but another part of me said don't pay, just pay for my items and leave.
And that's what I did, what made me think that thought at that moment I wasn't sure, so after paying the bill and putting it back on the table, one of the fellow TT-er pushed a RM5 note to me, assuming that I've paid for the whole table since I took both the bills there. I said I didn't pay. He then took back his RM5 with a slightly erm...unhappy/confused/disappointed/criticizing look on his face(well that's just my perception).
The reason I took both bills are that my food was recorded on one bill and my drinks on the other, so I had to bring both and the cashier will cancel the items which have been paid, and the remaining items will be paid by whomever that ordered it respectively.
Being an overly-sensitive and always-thinks-about-what-others-think-of-me type of person, I sensed his dissatisfaction and then quickly regretted that I didn't pay for the whole table.
I later reflected on this when i left the vicinity and my first thoughts were stop thinking about this and stop regretting this because it will lead to an unhealthy mind. But I couldn't, so I reasoned that I didn't pay for the whole table because of a fear towards my image.
What image? What fear?
A fear that people might think I'm a rich man's kid that has money and is spending it like it is his, like he has a lot, spending it unwisely just to gain the appreciation of others. I might not think like this last time but now I am.
Where did this fear come from?
Then I realized that it was the comment from Anonymous on this very blog, his comments were very invasive and discriminating, ALTHOUGH I replied in a very gentlemanly and diplomatically manner, and were advised not to give a rat ass about his comments, subconsciously, it attacked me right where he wanted, and even more.
My friends were right that ignoring him would be best to maintain my state of mind.
But Anonymous was also right saying I can't do shit and is living of his parents' money uselessly. Well that is MY perception.
SO yeah although he did stop posting after I told him to, in a nice manner(or so I think). I thought that would be the end of it. I didn't realize at that time it had already attack my subconscious. Creating a strong fear of people thinking I'm living off my parents' money uselessly.
This fear emerged today and put me in an unpleasant situation. If I did pay for the table, some might appreciate it and some may criticize me for spending unwisely.
BUT I DID NOT, and made everyone think that I'm stingy and selffish, especially since I took both of the bills to the counter, which very obviously looked like I wanted to pay for the table.
When someone does something good, people forget. When someone does something bad, people remember (for a long time).
I should have paid for the table. My judgment was shrouded by an unconscious fear.
When replying Anonymous last time, I tried to be Buddha and tried to accept him in peace.
H O W E V E R,
I am NOT Buddha, externally I may have said those nice things and told him off nicely.
Internally, I am still human and still incapable of not letting it affect me. I am a weak human, it affected me directly.
Why is this fear so strong, because I have a strong fear of rejection(which stems from another source). This fear of rejection further strengthened the fear that I will be dubbed the kid who is living off his parents' money uselessly, which to me seems to be another type of rejection.
Where did my fear of rejection come from? Probably from my Grandfather and also from the lack of acceptance from my Father, which I have become very aware of lately.
I seem to be a white elephant to him, I feel like if I was dead, it wouldn't affect him at all since I am only wasting his money due to my existence.
I do have thoughts of committing suicide, well many, I suppose, from my old blog banner(me trying to kill myself with a butcher knife). Not sure if you have any suicidal thoughts yourself.
And my suicidal thoughts are very strong, strong enough that I am prepared to do it.
But it wasn't stronger than the responsibility that I have towards my family, if I leave, I will be wasting even more of his money. So that halted my suicidal thoughts.
I'm taking an elective unit this semester in uni.
Psychology, it's a first year unit and the very first unit for the course. And it is to me the most interesting subject I have ever taken during my whole pursuit of a degree in my uni. More interesting than all my economics and finance subjects COMBINED and MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, to THE POWER OF 32. [(3 years of Econs+Finance)*5]^32 is less interesting than 4 Weeks of Psychology
So I was reading the first chapters in the book and quickly associated myself to one of it's, erm...examples. I'll type parts of it here.
Recall the case of Ray, the student described at the beginning of the chapter who could not understand why he was so shy.
To explain Ray's extreme shyness around women, Freud(Founder of psychoanalysis) might have explored whether Ray is unconsciously afraid of his sexual impulses and therefore avoids putting himself into dating situations where he would have to confront those hidden impulses.
In the case of our college student, Ray, a behaviorist might explain Ray's shyness around women by examining his past dating experiences. In high school, the first time Ray invited a girl to a dance he was turned down. Later, he had a crush on a girl and they went out once, after which she turned him down. Though nervous, he asked out a few girls after that but was turned down each time. Such punishing consequences decreased the likelihood that Ray would ask someone out in the future. Fortunately, Kira asked Ray out, and the positive consequences they experienced on their first date reinforced their behavior, increasing the odds that they will go out again.
A cognitive behaviorist might say that Ray's past dating rejections were punishing and led him to expect that further attempts at romance would be doomed. In turn, these expectations of social rejection inhibited him from asking women out and even from making male friends. While at home on spring break, family discussions helped Ray think about his situation in a new light. This helped Ray modify his behavior, become more outgoing, and improve his social relations ships.
Thinking about Ray's shyness and loneliness, a humanist might say that no matter how many rejections Ray has had in the past, he must take personal responsibility for turning things around. A humanist also might wonder whether, in his freshman year, Ray's happiness and sense of self-worth were resting too heavily on his hope for a good romantic relationship. By focusing on building a few friendships, Ray wisely found another way to satisfy what Maslow (1954) called "belongingness," our basic human need for social acceptance and companionship.
End of excerpt.
I don't want to be charged for plagiarism so I'm referencing the text above just to be safe. *Ignore it*
Passer, M., & Smith, R.(2009). The Science of Psychology. In Passer, M., & Smith, R., Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior(pp. 1-17). New York: McGraw-Hill.
On with the post, so I quickly associated with Ray because of my shyness around women, and his past dating rejections. I don't know why but I'm like him in that sense, every single time I want to act on it, I will be rejected. Well the reason may not be me sometimes (e.g. she is already interested in someone else), but the multiple times of rejection had just led me to conclude, it must be me.
And because my fear of rejection is already so strong, I have associated this rejection with the rejection from girls that my conditioned response is to be shy and avoidant around them.
And at this point of writing, I have a very strong fear of trying to approach a girl for a date. and I mean very, so much so that I would avoid 'one' as much as possible.
'One' relating to a girl, not the approach for a date.
This is even more pronounced with girls whom I perceive to be superior. (Yes, I have inferiority complex)
Very good looking(hot lah...)
etc. Traits that I lack (or I perceive myself to)
And all this while I repressed these fears with denial and think that it is only an extreme case of shyness, after reading my textbook and associating myself to Ray, I realize it's my STRONG fear of rejection.
One of the reasons I feel empty is also because, like Ray, my happiness and sense of self-worth are resting too heavily on my hope for a good romantic relationship.
Yeah, that's about it. Now that I've realized it, I hope I can act and change it someday, since I am not repressing and rationalizing it as a shyness.
Thanks for reading, this post was typed from 2.45am to 4.04am.
My current state of mind is unhealthy and quite burdensome.
Oh yeah I also have the thought of not having children because I do not want to bring the suffering of life unto them.
Yeah you might say I will suffer when I get old and have no one to take care of me.
But as for now, better I suffer than them.