Saturday, March 28, 2009

Unconcsious fear?

So I just came back from a TT(Coffee talk) with a bunch of detailing enthusiasts. We sit and chat for a few hours, we drink and eat at the same time. Then it was 1.30am, nobody has left the table yet and I needed to, so I took the two bills on the table and decided to pay for my items.

At that time I thought to myself should I pay for everyone? mostly people drink and didn't eat, only me and two others ate, so I actually didn't mind paying, but another part of me said don't pay, just pay for my items and leave.

And that's what I did, what made me think that thought at that moment I wasn't sure, so after paying the bill and putting it back on the table, one of the fellow TT-er pushed a RM5 note to me, assuming that I've paid for the whole table since I took both the bills there. I said I didn't pay. He then took back his RM5 with a slightly erm...unhappy/confused/disappointed/criticizing look on his face(well that's just my perception).

The reason I took both bills are that my food was recorded on one bill and my drinks on the other, so I had to bring both and the cashier will cancel the items which have been paid, and the remaining items will be paid by whomever that ordered it respectively.

Being an overly-sensitive and always-thinks-about-what-others-think-of-me type of person, I sensed his dissatisfaction and then quickly regretted that I didn't pay for the whole table.

I later reflected on this when i left the vicinity and my first thoughts were stop thinking about this and stop regretting this because it will lead to an unhealthy mind. But I couldn't, so I reasoned that I didn't pay for the whole table because of a fear towards my image.

What image? What fear?

A fear that people might think I'm a rich man's kid that has money and is spending it like it is his, like he has a lot, spending it unwisely just to gain the appreciation of others. I might not think like this last time but now I am.

Where did this fear come from?

Then I realized that it was the comment from Anonymous on this very blog, his comments were very invasive and discriminating, ALTHOUGH I replied in a very gentlemanly and diplomatically manner, and were advised not to give a rat ass about his comments, subconsciously, it attacked me right where he wanted, and even more.

My friends were right that ignoring him would be best to maintain my state of mind.

But Anonymous was also right saying I can't do shit and is living of his parents' money uselessly. Well that is MY perception.

SO yeah although he did stop posting after I told him to, in a nice manner(or so I think). I thought that would be the end of it. I didn't realize at that time it had already attack my subconscious. Creating a strong fear of people thinking I'm living off my parents' money uselessly.

This fear emerged today and put me in an unpleasant situation. If I did pay for the table, some might appreciate it and some may criticize me for spending unwisely.

BUT I DID NOT, and made everyone think that I'm stingy and selffish, especially since I took both of the bills to the counter, which very obviously looked like I wanted to pay for the table.

When someone does something good, people forget. When someone does something bad, people remember (for a long time).

I should have paid for the table. My judgment was shrouded by an unconscious fear.

When replying Anonymous last time, I tried to be Buddha and tried to accept him in peace.

H O W E V E R,

I am NOT Buddha, externally I may have said those nice things and told him off nicely.

Internally, I am still human and still incapable of not letting it affect me. I am a weak human, it affected me directly.

Why is this fear so strong, because I have a strong fear of rejection(which stems from another source). This fear of rejection further strengthened the fear that I will be dubbed the kid who is living off his parents' money uselessly, which to me seems to be another type of rejection.

Where did my fear of rejection come from? Probably from my Grandfather and also from the lack of acceptance from my Father, which I have become very aware of lately.

I seem to be a white elephant to him, I feel like if I was dead, it wouldn't affect him at all since I am only wasting his money due to my existence.

I do have thoughts of committing suicide, well many, I suppose, from my old blog banner(me trying to kill myself with a butcher knife). Not sure if you have any suicidal thoughts yourself.

And my suicidal thoughts are very strong, strong enough that I am prepared to do it.
But it wasn't stronger than the responsibility that I have towards my family, if I leave, I will be wasting even more of his money. So that halted my suicidal thoughts.

I'm taking an elective unit this semester in uni.

Psychology, it's a first year unit and the very first unit for the course. And it is to me the most interesting subject I have ever taken during my whole pursuit of a degree in my uni. More interesting than all my economics and finance subjects COMBINED and MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, to THE POWER OF 32. [(3 years of Econs+Finance)*5]^32 is less interesting than 4 Weeks of Psychology

So I was reading the first chapters in the book and quickly associated myself to one of it's, erm...examples. I'll type parts of it here.

Excerpt begins:

Recall the case of Ray, the student described at the beginning of the chapter who could not understand why he was so shy.

...

To explain Ray's extreme shyness around women, Freud(Founder of psychoanalysis) might have explored whether Ray is unconsciously afraid of his sexual impulses and therefore avoids putting himself into dating situations where he would have to confront those hidden impulses.

...

In the case of our college student, Ray, a behaviorist might explain Ray's shyness around women by examining his past dating experiences. In high school, the first time Ray invited a girl to a dance he was turned down. Later, he had a crush on a girl and they went out once, after which she turned him down. Though nervous, he asked out a few girls after that but was turned down each time. Such punishing consequences decreased the likelihood that Ray would ask someone out in the future. Fortunately, Kira asked Ray out, and the positive consequences they experienced on their first date reinforced their behavior, increasing the odds that they will go out again.

...

A cognitive behaviorist might say that Ray's past dating rejections were punishing and led him to expect that further attempts at romance would be doomed. In turn, these expectations of social rejection inhibited him from asking women out and even from making male friends. While at home on spring break, family discussions helped Ray think about his situation in a new light. This helped Ray modify his behavior, become more outgoing, and improve his social relations ships.

...

Thinking about Ray's shyness and loneliness, a humanist might say that no matter how many rejections Ray has had in the past, he must take personal responsibility for turning things around. A humanist also might wonder whether, in his freshman year, Ray's happiness and sense of self-worth were resting too heavily on his hope for a good romantic relationship. By focusing on building a few friendships, Ray wisely found another way to satisfy what Maslow (1954) called "belongingness," our basic human need for social acceptance and companionship.

End of excerpt.

I don't want to be charged for plagiarism so I'm referencing the text above just to be safe. *Ignore it*

Passer, M., & Smith, R.(2009). The Science of Psychology. In Passer, M., & Smith, R., Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior(pp. 1-17). New York: McGraw-Hill.


On with the post, so I quickly associated with Ray because of my shyness around women, and his past dating rejections. I don't know why but I'm like him in that sense, every single time I want to act on it, I will be rejected. Well the reason may not be me sometimes (e.g. she is already interested in someone else), but the multiple times of rejection had just led me to conclude, it must be me.

And because my fear of rejection is already so strong, I have associated this rejection with the rejection from girls that my conditioned response is to be shy and avoidant around them.

And at this point of writing, I have a very strong fear of trying to approach a girl for a date. and I mean very, so much so that I would avoid 'one' as much as possible.

'One' relating to a girl, not the approach for a date.

This is even more pronounced with girls whom I perceive to be superior. (Yes, I have inferiority complex)

e.g.
Very good looking(hot lah...)
Very intelligent
High self-esteem
etc. Traits that I lack (or I perceive myself to)

And all this while I repressed these fears with denial and think that it is only an extreme case of shyness, after reading my textbook and associating myself to Ray, I realize it's my STRONG fear of rejection.

One of the reasons I feel empty is also because, like Ray, my happiness and sense of self-worth are resting too heavily on my hope for a good romantic relationship.

Yeah, that's about it. Now that I've realized it, I hope I can act and change it someday, since I am not repressing and rationalizing it as a shyness.

Thanks for reading, this post was typed from 2.45am to 4.04am.

My current state of mind is unhealthy and quite burdensome.

Oh yeah I also have the thought of not having children because I do not want to bring the suffering of life unto them.
Yeah you might say I will suffer when I get old and have no one to take care of me.

But as for now, better I suffer than them.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ken, you're a dear friend to me. And the most i can tell you is you're good the way you are. Don't over-think things.


Cheers mate.

Jian

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

Jian,
i got your msg on fb, thanks for caring man.

陈一豪 said...

Hmm dude, i think the issue about paying the bill is being overly conscious. Any person worth his salt will pick up his own tab.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

yee hou,
exactly. A normal person wouldn't even bother thinking about it, which is why I told myself not to think about not paying the tab.
But the fear of rejection and disapproval is so strong that it lead to his being overly conscious, as you pointed out.

yapster said...

It's been some time bro..Drop the thought about people looking at you as a spoiled brat, it's better to give than to receive...if they see you as a spoiled brat, i don't think they're worth being friends with...Even so, i don't blame you, you're a STUDent man..(geddit? geddit?haha..)anyway..come on...they're working..i highly doubt anyone would be so low to expect a friend to pay for their bill...what a leecher...give because you want to bless others, if you give out of fear, its better you dont give at all...because you're not giving in the first place, you're surrendering out of fear.about the girl thing, you have to get over yourself. Half the battle is won in your own mind..you need to settle yourself before you get into a relationship with others...just my 2 sen...take care mate...


your kawan in penang.

yuntheng said...

hey kenneth, i always feel our life is full of hope... commiting suicide is really what you shoudn't think of. Believe in yourself and build your self confidence. I believe everything will go in your way (at least not too bad) when you start to love yourself.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

Daniel Yap!,
"if you give out of fear, its better you dont give at all", I like this alot thanks...and STUDent..hahaha -.-; lame sial...thanks for the advice mate

yuntheng,
aiseh...of all the people to read this ... thanks for the encouragement :) but starting to love myself is something I find very hard to start at the moment. For every good thing about me(if any), I can give you 1000 bad things about me. haha..but thanks ya.

footiam said...

Kenneth, I think being overly conscious is a part of growing up. Someday, if you allow yourself, you'll grow out of it.I also think it doesn't matter if you've decided not to pick up the tab. You are not earning yet and even if you do, it is just not your responsibily and you are not obliged to do it.Let God do the paying! You may not feel good about what the others may be thinking; but they may not be thinking at all and if they do, does it really matter? You have your own thoughts and perceptions about your companions too and if you think that they have negative thoughts about you, so what? You need to have positive thoughts yourself to lift yourself and your spirits. If your friends think lowly of you for not paying, well, they are not friends really and you can think lowly of them for expecting. You are not a bank, for goodness sake and if you are, there are still certain requirements for you to cash out ; perhaps, requirements like you are celebrating some special occasions etc. Frankly speaking, when I first visited your blog, I thought your photos with the butcher knife looked disturbing and when I read some of your post, I find that disturbing too. But lately, I thought you have become better and calmer; until of course, this paying the bills incident but then life has its up and down. I am sorry to hear that you feel rejected by your father and even sorrier to hear that you contemplate suicide. To feel rejected by your father is indeed a tragedy but since you have a mind of your own, I suppose you can turn that around. I always tell people I know who have problems with their parents that they should appreciate that they are healthy, have a mind and capable of changing their lives.Things could be worse. A person may not have a roof over the head and food on the table. When a person is still young, in school or university and is incapable of earning a living yet, the feeling of being not independent is awful but then is there a choice? There is no shortcut and one just have to walk the path to the very end. The path may be difficult and always seem long too; what with difficult parents,siblings and friends and there is no one to talk to and to understand you but take it this way; things are not permanent; the beauty of which is the difficult stages will pass and they could be better; that is if you program your mind for the better. And about suicide, - one of the Buddhist five precepts -thou should not kill includes not taking your own life too! Every life in this world is precious and that include yours! Start living for yourself, Kenneth and I would like to see you grow up happy and successful till your hair turns grey. Someday, just look back and laugh over this; actually you can look back and laugh now - and always remember that there are people who accept you as you are. Most certainly, you have to begin by accepting yourself first.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

Footiam,
your words are always very meaningful, thanks...I can't think of anything to say. Maybe I'm just not strong enough at the moment to accept myself, and am just repressing it and thinking of other thoughts to keep me from thinking about it. Thanks for your faith in me...

izso said...

*Gives Kenneth a hard knock on the head*

Suicide? Haven't you read enough about Buddhism to know that you'll suffer eternally if you did? Isn't living with nightmares bad enough? You want to die and have eternal nightmares?

Anyway. Glad to have you back man.

As for the TT, screw that. You over analyze things like what footiam said. You're not in these detailers position, ie- you're not making money from a business (yet) and you're not working. Why should you be expected to pay?

But the fact the guy offered to pay you back is good. At least he has the courtesy of doing so.

As for girls, perhaps if you lowered your expectations you'd have an easier time finding girlfriends. The type of girl you've been looking at are those that would give even the super hot blooded male the chills (or butterflies. Depending on how you roll).

You might just one of these days bump into a girl detailer and have some common ground to talk and one thing lead to another.. etc.

Take it easy dude.

Kenneth Tang a.k.a Fishbonezken said...

*large bump grows out from head*

hahhaha, thanks for the comment... hmm, yeah I guess I didn't perceive whether to pay or not from YOUR point of view.

Nolah I'm not looking for the girl the gives super hot blooded male the chills la...... ..... ...
I think...

ihsara said...

i don't think what you did (paying for yourself instead of the table) is bad. if people think you're being stingy and a snob, then they have a big problem haha.

i mean, among my circle of friends its just common courtesy to pay for your own items (or maybe this is just the Aussie way?). but if someone decides to pay for the whole table he would let them know first before paying. if he just gets up with the bills without saying anything, we would assume he is paying for himself.

don't take it so hard on yourself :)

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