It's been a long time huh? I hope there aren't many spiders spinning webs around you since I'm away. I guess the reason for my absence is because I was afraid of the thoughts of others when I post. If I post something bad, then people will comment negative things about it. If I post something good, then I'm afraid that I won't react positively enough to their potential compliments. I guess I should really follow the saying 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.
Lately I have been very low on enthusiasm and self-motivation. There's no drive and waking up everyday seems pointless to me. I have been so filled up with negative thoughts that sleep is a temporary relieve as I won't make myself think negatively that can make me tired even when I'm not doing anything.
People always say, you have to work for yourself, do things for yourself. I wish I had that kind of mindset because I think doing things for myself is selfish. This is because I think I don't deserve a place on this planet or don't deserve the air I breathe. So if I were to do something, it would be for someone else. The problem is, there is no one.
I recalled a dream a few weeks ago. It was me being romantically in love with another girl and the feeling was so real. I woke up and was lucky to be able to remember that dream because it was a feeling that I've never felt in years. I feel that if I have someone to work for, then I'll be motivated. People might call me immature because at my age, I still don't realize the importance of money.
I remembered telling my uncle last time, if I want to work, it is not for money, but to do what I love to do. His reply stabbed me, "Ken, sorry to say, you are saying that now because your dad got money". I am not trying to be boastful, but he is right. Since my father and grandfather came from a poor family, money was happiness for them. I grew up when my father was quite successful with his business, so I have been living quite comfortably. Maybe that's why I have a low motivation, as I believe money isn't difficult to make, or a lack of money wouldn't be a big problem. Also, maybe that's why I give my life-goal of finding the perfect mate a higher priority than money.
If you would ask me to create a list of goals, the top item would be to spend my life with a kind, selfless female. I would equate that with happiness, although most people would put items such as a Ferrari or Lambo on the list.
Also, my grandmother and father have been complaining about my sister spending too much time with her boyfriend. Every time they say that, I think to myself, at least she is happy.
I asked my friend's father once, "If you are the eldest son in the family and your father has a business, if you choose to go your own path and not continue the business, would that be a betrayal to the family?"
He said it is not betrayal, but if I do not get to choose what I like to do, then it is not fair to me. I just smiled and didn't reply, but I was thinking to myself, "Fair?? There is no fairness in this world. They didn't raise me up so I can do as I please, I don't deserve happiness". I have been pondering on the thought of doing my own thing or not when I graduate. I came to a firm decision during a preparation for a presentation which subject is about Hong Kong's entrepreneurship. Through it, I learned that the eldest son in a Chinese family have the responsibility to continue the family business. It is because of that, I decided to give up any hopes of pursuing to do what I like, although it will limit my income(e.g. opening a detailing shop). I don't deserve happiness.
My friend's father said it correctly, if you were Lim Goh Tong's son and if he were to pass down the business to you, would you reject it?
So I guess I will 'sacrifice' myself and let my younger brother and sister do what they want. Speaking about my younger brother, I feel sorry for him because I have not been a supportive brother. I resent him alot because he is exactly just like me, because I hate myself, I hate him too, although I try to minimize any bad actions toward him. Every time I want to make a bad comment or criticize him I would just keep quiet.
Well, this is my final semester, if I pass every paper. I have been procrastinating for four days and my exam is in 3 days, haven't studied a single bit. I can't control all the negativity, for example, I would think things such as if I were to be the boss of a company, how would people respect a lazy, non-brilliant, non-motivated person like me? or, how is a person like me deserve to have a lifelong partner of my dreams? It is during times likes these when death is the easy way out. Wouldn't it be easy if you could just erase your own existence and not suffer anymore? Buddha puts it perfectly, life is suffering, and death is not the way out as we believe in rebirth.
Which is why I'm already looking forward to my retirement age, where I won't have any responsibilities and can do what I like. This is actually consistent with certain cultures (e.g. Korea) where old age is the time to enjoy life.
During this semester, I do have feelings of being able to achieve anything and got glimpses of success in the future as I lead a group presentation and we were able to achieve a high distinction grade for the presentation and report. I believe when I'm motivated, or the purpose is clear in my mind, I would be able to do it. However, it's a thick layer of fog right now.
I often think of myself as a useless thing as people my age have already graduated and are working for respectable companies earning good money. Also, because I don't have the drive to earn alot of money, people look at me as being immature and naive. I think I would be happier doing a manual labour job and not be pressured to earning alot of money and purchase items that signify my social status due to inferiority complex(e.g. big house, BMWs, etc.). I would be happier shoveling cement powder into a cement mixer and hosing water into it. I would be happier cranking the little motor and slicing grass at an open field. In short, I would be happier if there were no familial responsibilities.
Then again, I might not value family as much because I have them, same goes for money. I envy my friends who have a drive in doing what they do. I envy those who are studying hard to fulfill their dreams and goals. I envy those that are working. I envy those that are in love with each other everyday.
How can I love others if I don't love myself, people often tell me. I try to limit portraying any negativity because it would often turn the conversation awkward, but when they do tell me that, I will think to myself, 'it is impossible to love myself'. The cause of all this might be the upbringing in my family, but I cannot blame them as they are brought up in a more negative inducing environment. My grandfather used to burn lit cigarette butts at my uncles' backs as punishment. My grandfather's father was very hard on him. So I cannot blame them and must change myself if I want to get out of this valley of darkness.
Speaking about awkwardness, I used to be comfortable around anybody and I think they use to be comfortable around me as well, keyword is used to. Now, any friend or old friend I converse with always end up in an awkward mood because I always try to please or impress them as I hate the feeling of them being displeased with any action or word I do or say. So I'm always being fake and I guess it is obvious, so they are not comfortable around me as well. Then when I detect the mood is awkward, I turn silent. This is one of the reasons I don't go on MSN anymore, I find it a burden to talk to people, which is the opposite last time.
If you understand the degree of negativity my mind is in now, you will understand why sleep is the temporary relieve, or escape from this treacherous world. As I cannot control my thoughts during my sleep, there is no negativity then. But when I wake up, it starts rolling downhill. This repeats day after day.
I await the day where I can honestly whisper 'I love you', and mean it, into a girl's ear one day.
Through one of the subjects in this semester, there is a group presentation as I mentioned above, and through that, I get to know this guy that is totally non-critical and non-judgemental towards others. I envy his attitude alot, for example, we were walking in a shopping complex one day and we passed by ToysR'Us, being a playful person, I would like to enter it but I was already thinking, 'he surely thinks I'm some childish person'. So I just jokingly said, let's enter. Then he said 'orh, go lah', I was surprised and asked him, "huh? you're not gonna criticize me by saying that's only for kids etc. etc.".... he said no. Isn't that great? Being able to pass your days without judging others and just live happily without the constant belittling of others? I think it's a precious attitude to have. Can money buy that? I don't think so.
So bloggie, thanks for listening and I will dust you off now before I leave again. Hopefully I will see you after my exams in 2 weeks time and if I am not moody I will talk to you again. I've been provided with temporary happiness by watching Family Outing (a korean variety show). Watching other people happy when interacting with each other makes me happy as well and makes me wish to feel genuine happiness in this lifetime.