Thursday, January 10, 2013

2013

Two thousand thirteen. This blog is almost eight years old. My age by the year is now 26. That is a little more than half of fifty.

Wouldn't we all just like to rewind the clock, do things differently and be able to not be in the position that you are currently in?

 As a guy that ran away from home at the age of twelve because he was banned from playing computer games, the gaming habit still stuck with me. Why do I even play games? I'm not very good at it, I know guys who have faster reactions, can come up with better strategies, and are all around better then me. Why play then? Is it because it's fun? Well it sure is, but I find it to be less fun nowadays compared to last time.

So why play? Well it could be the temporal sense of achievement I get from it, the sense of achievement that I don't feel in real life. I'm not playing the blame game but living in a critical family has its drawbacks. Compliments don't go around very often. It makes you have self-doubts and low self-esteem.

 I remembered my favourite teacher was my science and B.M tuition teacher, they made me loved the subject because I loved them. I loved how un-authoritative they were, how loving and caring they were. I clearly remembered my B.M tuition teachers words before the UPSR exam; "Forget what everyone told you about getting 5 As, just go in there and do your best". I got 2 A's for UPSR, both for B.M. (karangan and the other one). I loved science but a B was all I managed to achieve. I wished my two favourite tuition teachers could tutor me further, in education and in life.

Was it the lack of expressed affection back home that made me fill with so much self-doubt that I find no confidence in doing anything? I do believe it's good to have some form of critical behaviour. When there's not enough, you don't reflect on yourself or judge yourself enough. When there's too much however, you judge yourself so much that it impairs your ability to do anything.

 I feel like that's the state I am in. I game so much that I now see friends from Secondary school, College and University surpass me in life. Close friends that I usually hang out with I have avoided, for the embarrassment I feel when I compare myself to them.

 I've stopped working for my father as I feel I'm such a lousy and undisciplined person that I am unfit for what's ahead of me. Better to have them give up their hopes on me now then later. I used to read a lot of self-help books, it does help me know what is the right thing to do. Now I know what is the right thing to do, but actually doing it is much more difficult. Books on self-confidence and positivity does give you the motivational boost, but not for long. Soon, the negative thoughts in your head becomes a routine and even makes you feel comfortable.

 "I'm not good enough"

 If I have a dollar for everytime that thought appears, I can buy myself a big house. Not good enough in what? In everything. As you see your old friends surpass you, you start to hate them. Hate them for what they have, hate them for who they are, just pure hate. I do have some friends that are non-judgmental and I appreciate them. Although most will have the natural tendency to look down on you and probably just erase you of their 'keep in touch' list.

 Criticism. It's something that should be handled carefully. When people express affection to me, I just scrub it off as fake and untrue, no matter how genuine it appears. It's as though, 'real love' does not exist anymore.

 Don't give me that "God loves you" bullshit either. I'm not a believer.

 So here I sit, jobless, typing out the thoughts that have been stuck in my head for months.

 Before I end, you know what I hate, when people doubt and criticize your every move. The lack of support they give. I was polishing a car one night, my mum has a bunch of friends over and they were sitting outside having drinks. I could overhear their conversation from where I was working.

 My dad joins them, one of their friends told my dad that "your son if very good, knows how to do these kind of things".

My dad said, and quite loudly, "but it's stupid!", then he goes on to explain how little money it makes as there's a ceiling that it will touch (max. amount of cars that you can do, there's a limit to that figure).

 "It's stupid", that's the general response that he gives whenever people talk about my car detailing business. If I'm a self-confident guy, I probably wouldn't even remember those words and press on with detailing. But I'm not, so what does that do? It puts another dent in your self-esteem. Imagine, telling that in front of all his friends, within my hearing range, "It's stupid". I don't even know why it hurts me to this extent but it does. 

Since those are dad's words, it must be true. He IS the king of the house and the breadwinner of the family. Before I worked for my dad, I worked at another auto detailing business, it was hellish and physically exhausting. About 12 hour shifts, Monday to Saturday, sometimes even on Sundays. My dad never agreed with me working there and always thought I was wasting my time. But, I was happy there, I had the sense of achievement, I loved it. I guess it was a matter of time that his disapproval of my job brainwashed me into joining his company. It was a 9-6, Monday to Friday job. I get to reach home by 7pm, instead of 10pm every night. I get Saturdays off, I don't have to work on Public holidays, and it's much less exhausting.

 As time goes by, I started to hate it.The reason? Well I've never really gotten to know the real reason. My best guess would be because of my dad? He was real happy when I joined him. I guess I should be too, it's much more relaxing, but I guess I never got what I wanted from him.

 Assurance. Confidence. Those kind of stuff.

 My previous boss was whole lot different. He was an insurance guy, and selling is his thing, but he also has a way of boosting the morale and confidence of his employees. Although I am critical and can tell they are fake sweet-talks, I was still happy to hear them, probably because it was very rare in my family. I liked working under him, it was what kept me going everyday, despite the unfavourable working conditions.

 Now I tell my detailing customers that I'm on a break due to a 'muscle injury' as the previous two cars I worked on did not turn out that well. The cumulative amount of self-doubt from my day job sets in and I just crashed.

 Haven't been working for about 3 months now. Playing games all day to feel that temporal sense of achievement. Ignoring invites from friends to hang out.

 Wouldn't we all just like to rewind the clock?