I Say What I Want

testing from bb

2010-06-02T05:28:00.000+08:00

Testing from bb

Hi blog

2009-10-29T02:02:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time huh? I hope there aren't many spiders spinning webs around you since I'm away. I guess the reason for my absence is because I was afraid of the thoughts of others when I post. If I post something bad, then people will comment negative things about it. If I post something good, then I'm afraid that I won't react positively enough to their potential compliments. I guess I should really follow the saying 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.

Lately I have been very low on enthusiasm and self-motivation. There's no drive and waking up everyday seems pointless to me. I have been so filled up with negative thoughts that sleep is a temporary relieve as I won't make myself think negatively that can make me tired even when I'm not doing anything.

People always say, you have to work for yourself, do things for yourself. I wish I had that kind of mindset because I think doing things for myself is selfish. This is because I think I don't deserve a place on this planet or don't deserve the air I breathe. So if I were to do something, it would be for someone else. The problem is, there is no one.

I recalled a dream a few weeks ago. It was me being romantically in love with another girl and the feeling was so real. I woke up and was lucky to be able to remember that dream because it was a feeling that I've never felt in years. I feel that if I have someone to work for, then I'll be motivated. People might call me immature because at my age, I still don't realize the importance of money.

I remembered telling my uncle last time, if I want to work, it is not for money, but to do what I love to do. His reply stabbed me, "Ken, sorry to say, you are saying that now because your dad got money". I am not trying to be boastful, but he is right. Since my father and grandfather came from a poor family, money was happiness for them. I grew up when my father was quite successful with his business, so I have been living quite comfortably. Maybe that's why I have a low motivation, as I believe money isn't difficult to make, or a lack of money wouldn't be a big problem. Also, maybe that's why I give my life-goal of finding the perfect mate a higher priority than money.

If you would ask me to create a list of goals, the top item would be to spend my life with a kind, selfless female. I would equate that with happiness, although most people would put items such as a Ferrari or Lambo on the list.

Also, my grandmother and father have been complaining about my sister spending too much time with her boyfriend. Every time they say that, I think to myself, at least she is happy.

I asked my friend's father once, "If you are the eldest son in the family and your father has a business, if you choose to go your own path and not continue the business, would that be a betrayal to the family?"

He said it is not betrayal, but if I do not get to choose what I like to do, then it is not fair to me. I just smiled and didn't reply, but I was thinking to myself, "Fair?? There is no fairness in this world. They didn't raise me up so I can do as I please, I don't deserve happiness". I have been pondering on the thought of doing my own thing or not when I graduate. I came to a firm decision during a preparation for a presentation which subject is about Hong Kong's entrepreneurship. Through it, I learned that the eldest son in a Chinese family have the responsibility to continue the family business. It is because of that, I decided to give up any hopes of pursuing to do what I like, although it will limit my income(e.g. opening a detailing shop). I don't deserve happiness.

My friend's father said it correctly, if you were Lim Goh Tong's son and if he were to pass down the business to you, would you reject it?

So I guess I will 'sacrifice' myself and let my younger brother and sister do what they want. Speaking about my younger brother, I feel sorry for him because I have not been a supportive brother. I resent him alot because he is exactly just like me, because I hate myself, I hate him too, although I try to minimize any bad actions toward him. Every time I want to make a bad comment or criticize him I would just keep quiet.

Well, this is my final semester, if I pass every paper. I have been procrastinating for four days and my exam is in 3 days, haven't studied a single bit. I can't control all the negativity, for example, I would think things such as if I were to be the boss of a company, how would people respect a lazy, non-brilliant, non-motivated person like me? or, how is a person like me deserve to have a lifelong partner of my dreams? It is during times likes these when death is the easy way out. Wouldn't it be easy if you could just erase your own existence and not suffer anymore? Buddha puts it perfectly, life is suffering, and death is not the way out as we believe in rebirth.

Which is why I'm already looking forward to my retirement age, where I won't have any responsibilities and can do what I like. This is actually consistent with certain cultures (e.g. Korea) where old age is the time to enjoy life.

During this semester, I do have feelings of being able to achieve anything and got glimpses of success in the future as I lead a group presentation and we were able to achieve a high distinction grade for the presentation and report. I believe when I'm motivated, or the purpose is clear in my mind, I would be able to do it. However, it's a thick layer of fog right now.

I often think of myself as a useless thing as people my age have already graduated and are working for respectable companies earning good money. Also, because I don't have the drive to earn alot of money, people look at me as being immature and naive. I think I would be happier doing a manual labour job and not be pressured to earning alot of money and purchase items that signify my social status due to inferiority complex(e.g. big house, BMWs, etc.). I would be happier shoveling cement powder into a cement mixer and hosing water into it. I would be happier cranking the little motor and slicing grass at an open field. In short, I would be happier if there were no familial responsibilities.

Then again, I might not value family as much because I have them, same goes for money. I envy my friends who have a drive in doing what they do. I envy those who are studying hard to fulfill their dreams and goals. I envy those that are working. I envy those that are in love with each other everyday.

How can I love others if I don't love myself, people often tell me. I try to limit portraying any negativity because it would often turn the conversation awkward, but when they do tell me that, I will think to myself, 'it is impossible to love myself'. The cause of all this might be the upbringing in my family, but I cannot blame them as they are brought up in a more negative inducing environment. My grandfather used to burn lit cigarette butts at my uncles' backs as punishment. My grandfather's father was very hard on him. So I cannot blame them and must change myself if I want to get out of this valley of darkness.

Speaking about awkwardness, I used to be comfortable around anybody and I think they use to be comfortable around me as well, keyword is used to. Now, any friend or old friend I converse with always end up in an awkward mood because I always try to please or impress them as I hate the feeling of them being displeased with any action or word I do or say. So I'm always being fake and I guess it is obvious, so they are not comfortable around me as well. Then when I detect the mood is awkward, I turn silent. This is one of the reasons I don't go on MSN anymore, I find it a burden to talk to people, which is the opposite last time.

If you understand the degree of negativity my mind is in now, you will understand why sleep is the temporary relieve, or escape from this treacherous world. As I cannot control my thoughts during my sleep, there is no negativity then. But when I wake up, it starts rolling downhill. This repeats day after day.

I await the day where I can honestly whisper 'I love you', and mean it, into a girl's ear one day.

Through one of the subjects in this semester, there is a group presentation as I mentioned above, and through that, I get to know this guy that is totally non-critical and non-judgemental towards others. I envy his attitude alot, for example, we were walking in a shopping complex one day and we passed by ToysR'Us, being a playful person, I would like to enter it but I was already thinking, 'he surely thinks I'm some childish person'. So I just jokingly said, let's enter. Then he said 'orh, go lah', I was surprised and asked him, "huh? you're not gonna criticize me by saying that's only for kids etc. etc.".... he said no. Isn't that great? Being able to pass your days without judging others and just live happily without the constant belittling of others? I think it's a precious attitude to have. Can money buy that? I don't think so.

So bloggie, thanks for listening and I will dust you off now before I leave again. Hopefully I will see you after my exams in 2 weeks time and if I am not moody I will talk to you again. I've been provided with temporary happiness by watching Family Outing (a korean variety show). Watching other people happy when interacting with each other makes me happy as well and makes me wish to feel genuine happiness in this lifetime.

I suddenly had a vision

2009-06-19T20:33:00.002+08:00

I just imagined myself in a situation where I was driving really fast and caused an accident with an mpv carrying grandparents, a husband and a pregnant woman. I come out of the car dazed and slightly injured while all of them were dead from the crash.

I then took a piece of broken glass and slit my throat.

The next day, newspapers will be headlining,

"Boy suicides after causing the death of five"

Then the article will mention psychologists that study his background and blog stating that he has a very low self-esteem and very critical towards himself, this has caused him to suicide as he felt that he will not, under any circumstances be accepted by society after the accident.

Unconcsious fear?

2009-03-28T03:04:00.003+08:00

So I just came back from a TT(Coffee talk) with a bunch of detailing enthusiasts. We sit and chat for a few hours, we drink and eat at the same time. Then it was 1.30am, nobody has left the table yet and I needed to, so I took the two bills on the table and decided to pay for my items.

At that time I thought to myself should I pay for everyone? mostly people drink and didn't eat, only me and two others ate, so I actually didn't mind paying, but another part of me said don't pay, just pay for my items and leave.

And that's what I did, what made me think that thought at that moment I wasn't sure, so after paying the bill and putting it back on the table, one of the fellow TT-er pushed a RM5 note to me, assuming that I've paid for the whole table since I took both the bills there. I said I didn't pay. He then took back his RM5 with a slightly erm...unhappy/confused/disappointed/criticizing look on his face(well that's just my perception).

The reason I took both bills are that my food was recorded on one bill and my drinks on the other, so I had to bring both and the cashier will cancel the items which have been paid, and the remaining items will be paid by whomever that ordered it respectively.

Being an overly-sensitive and always-thinks-about-what-others-think-of-me type of person, I sensed his dissatisfaction and then quickly regretted that I didn't pay for the whole table.

I later reflected on this when i left the vicinity and my first thoughts were stop thinking about this and stop regretting this because it will lead to an unhealthy mind. But I couldn't, so I reasoned that I didn't pay for the whole table because of a fear towards my image.

What image? What fear?

A fear that people might think I'm a rich man's kid that has money and is spending it like it is his, like he has a lot, spending it unwisely just to gain the appreciation of others. I might not think like this last time but now I am.

Where did this fear come from?

Then I realized that it was the comment from Anonymous on this very blog, his comments were very invasive and discriminating, ALTHOUGH I replied in a very gentlemanly and diplomatically manner, and were advised not to give a rat ass about his comments, subconsciously, it attacked me right where he wanted, and even more.

My friends were right that ignoring him would be best to maintain my state of mind.

But Anonymous was also right saying I can't do shit and is living of his parents' money uselessly. Well that is MY perception.

SO yeah although he did stop posting after I told him to, in a nice manner(or so I think). I thought that would be the end of it. I didn't realize at that time it had already attack my subconscious. Creating a strong fear of people thinking I'm living off my parents' money uselessly.

This fear emerged today and put me in an unpleasant situation. If I did pay for the table, some might appreciate it and some may criticize me for spending unwisely.

BUT I DID NOT, and made everyone think that I'm stingy and selffish, especially since I took both of the bills to the counter, which very obviously looked like I wanted to pay for the table.

When someone does something good, people forget. When someone does something bad, people remember (for a long time).

I should have paid for the table. My judgment was shrouded by an unconscious fear.

When replying Anonymous last time, I tried to be Buddha and tried to accept him in peace.

H O W E V E R,

I am NOT Buddha, externally I may have said those nice things and told him off nicely.

Internally, I am still human and still incapable of not letting it affect me. I am a weak human, it affected me directly.

Why is this fear so strong, because I have a strong fear of rejection(which stems from another source). This fear of rejection further strengthened the fear that I will be dubbed the kid who is living off his parents' money uselessly, which to me seems to be another type of rejection.

Where did my fear of rejection come from? Probably from my Grandfather and also from the lack of acceptance from my Father, which I have become very aware of lately.

I seem to be a white elephant to him, I feel like if I was dead, it wouldn't affect him at all since I am only wasting his money due to my existence.

I do have thoughts of committing suicide, well many, I suppose, from my old blog banner(me trying to kill myself with a butcher knife). Not sure if you have any suicidal thoughts yourself.

And my suicidal thoughts are very strong, strong enough that I am prepared to do it.
But it wasn't stronger than the responsibility that I have towards my family, if I leave, I will be wasting even more of his money. So that halted my suicidal thoughts.

I'm taking an elective unit this semester in uni.

Psychology, it's a first year unit and the very first unit for the course. And it is to me the most interesting subject I have ever taken during my whole pursuit of a degree in my uni. More interesting than all my economics and finance subjects COMBINED and MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, to THE POWER OF 32. [(3 years of Econs+Finance)*5]^32 is less interesting than 4 Weeks of Psychology

So I was reading the first chapters in the book and quickly associated myself to one of it's, erm...examples. I'll type parts of it here.

Excerpt begins:

Recall the case of Ray, the student described at the beginning of the chapter who could not understand why he was so shy.

...

To explain Ray's extreme shyness around women, Freud(Founder of psychoanalysis) might have explored whether Ray is unconsciously afraid of his sexual impulses and therefore avoids putting himself into dating situations where he would have to confront those hidden impulses.

...

In the case of our college student, Ray, a behaviorist might explain Ray's shyness around women by examining his past dating experiences. In high school, the first time Ray invited a girl to a dance he was turned down. Later, he had a crush on a girl and they went out once, after which she turned him down. Though nervous, he asked out a few girls after that but was turned down each time. Such punishing consequences decreased the likelihood that Ray would ask someone out in the future. Fortunately, Kira asked Ray out, and the positive consequences they experienced on their first date reinforced their behavior, increasing the odds that they will go out again.

...

A cognitive behaviorist might say that Ray's past dating rejections were punishing and led him to expect that further attempts at romance would be doomed. In turn, these expectations of social rejection inhibited him from asking women out and even from making male friends. While at home on spring break, family discussions helped Ray think about his situation in a new light. This helped Ray modify his behavior, become more outgoing, and improve his social relations ships.

...

Thinking about Ray's shyness and loneliness, a humanist might say that no matter how many rejections Ray has had in the past, he must take personal responsibility for turning things around. A humanist also might wonder whether, in his freshman year, Ray's happiness and sense of self-worth were resting too heavily on his hope for a good romantic relationship. By focusing on building a few friendships, Ray wisely found another way to satisfy what Maslow (1954) called "belongingness," our basic human need for social acceptance and companionship.

End of excerpt.

I don't want to be charged for plagiarism so I'm referencing the text above just to be safe. *Ignore it*

Passer, M., & Smith, R.(2009). The Science of Psychology. In Passer, M., & Smith, R., Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior(pp. 1-17). New York: McGraw-Hill.

On with the post, so I quickly associated with Ray because of my shyness around women, and his past dating rejections. I don't know why but I'm like him in that sense, every single time I want to act on it, I will be rejected. Well the reason may not be me sometimes (e.g. she is already interested in someone else), but the multiple times of rejection had just led me to conclude, it must be me.

And because my fear of rejection is already so strong, I have associated this rejection with the rejection from girls that my conditioned response is to be shy and avoidant around them.

And at this point of writing, I have a very strong fear of trying to approach a girl for a date. and I mean very, so much so that I would avoid 'one' as much as possible.

'One' relating to a girl, not the approach for a date.

This is even more pronounced with girls whom I perceive to be superior. (Yes, I have inferiority complex)

e.g.
Very good looking(hot lah...)
Very intelligent
High self-esteem
etc. Traits that I lack (or I perceive myself to)

And all this while I repressed these fears with denial and think that it is only an extreme case of shyness, after reading my textbook and associating myself to Ray, I realize it's my STRONG fear of rejection.

One of the reasons I feel empty is also because, like Ray, my happiness and sense of self-worth are resting too heavily on my hope for a good romantic relationship.

Yeah, that's about it. Now that I've realized it, I hope I can act and change it someday, since I am not repressing and rationalizing it as a shyness.

Thanks for reading, this post was typed from 2.45am to 4.04am.

My current state of mind is unhealthy and quite burdensome.

Oh yeah I also have the thought of not having children because I do not want to bring the suffering of life unto them.
Yeah you might say I will suffer when I get old and have no one to take care of me.

But as for now, better I suffer than them.

Motherland

2008-12-12T21:53:00.003+08:00

Ohhh yeah, it's China baby!

So I was excited to go to China as I haven't been overseas for a looong time. And I envisage the place to be superior to Malaysia.

So here's my experience:

First stop is Hong Kong airport, from there we transfer to China.

At the airport, it was lunchtime and I decided to share a burger with my dad (I know I know, go Hong Kong eat burger? WTF?). So at the Burger King counter, my server doesn't speak english and this is how the conversation went.

Me: Bei ngo dai sei hou
Eng: Give me number 4

Plum lady server:
Eng: Medium or small?

Me: Medium
Eng: Medium

Me: Hor yi pong ngo chit liong pin mou?
Eng: Can you help me cut it into half?

* Plum lady server gives me a dazed look

Plum lady server: Ngo bei pa tou lei ah?
Eng: I give you a piece of knife?

* And I was like, wtf.... *

Me: ohh, ahhh, okok
Eng: ohh, ahhh, okok

Okay, so that was a bit unexpected, her un-politeness, or I'm just not used to it.

So anyhow we transferred to China and suddenly, all the Cantonese and English I was hearing back at HK airport disappeared, it's all Mandarin Chinese and I feel like I'm on Mars or something.

WTF ARE THEY SPEAKING???

Well I do understand a bit, and could only catch a few of the words they were shooting out of their mouths.

That night as I was walking in the streets of Shenzhen, I came across a shop and saw people buying bubble tea from it and I'm a big fan of one so as I head towards the counter, the lady offered me a menu, and it all looked like Greek to me!

okay well it's Chinese.

And with me full of pride and trying to evade embarrassment whenever possible, I walked away, fearing that they would sense my illiterate-ness. But I wanted a bubble tea drink so bad, I walked back up to the counter, pretending like a local, browed through the menu and stopped at the third item down the list, "Zhi ge" (This one)

"Mang guo ^$%@^ @#&^!%@ ?"
"shi shi" (Yes yes)

I recognized it was mango and thank goodness! Jackpot! Mango bubble tea, woohoo! Luckily I didn't strike something else because;

1) I like mango bubble tea, I mean who doesn't.

2) Thankfully, I didn't strike Duck's Feet bubble tea

And it costs me 6 Yuan (RM 3), and it tastes, phenomenal! It's the best bubble tea I've tasted ever!

The mango bubble tea in Malaysia is all, just plain synthetic flavour with some fake milky taste(creamer)

The China one is, like for real dawg!, with little chunks of mango in it, and the pearls are small and chewy, nicely cooked!

Seriously, it is phe-no-mi-nal.

There's the bubble tea on the left, a cheap fake mango drink in the middle and 3 China flashlight I bought from the streets, which I got slaughtered for.

The bubble tea shop is on the left (green signage), sorry for the blurry pic, I had to quickly snap it and put my phone back into my pocket. Taking a picture of a store there practically pus a huge ass flashing neon sign over my head saying, "LOOK! I'M A TOURIST! I HAVEN'T SEEN A BUBBLE TEA SHOP BEFORE!! LOOK AT ME!"

Oh yeah speaking of the locals, to avoid being detected as one as you are walking down the street I've created an ingenious idea.

First, Put your hands in your jacket pocket. Secondly, squint your eyes so that you are still able to see, but enough to look like a chinese.
Thirdly, hunch your back, don't walk with a good and straight posture.
Lastly, put your last finger up your nose and dig it.

You'll blend in immediately! Put all this together and you got an invisible Chinese cloak which enables you to walk on any street, under the radar.

After finishing our time in Shenzhen, we went to...erm forgot what is the name of the town/city/province, and we took the domestic flight.

Here I am at the airport,

Here are pictures of one of their local petrol stations, Sinopec.

And for dinner that night, you have the privilege to choose from a wide range of delicacies, to show a few of the local favourites,

Dog meat,

Pig face,

and snakes,

Mmmmm, doesn't that all look simply appetizing??

We also had this, lobster sashimi,

call me a bad eater as the raw meat is supposed to be very sweet but I tasted absolutely nothing. The flesh on the bottom half is taken out and is laid beside it, which is the white semi-clear thing you see near it's tail. All this while the lobsters hid is still moving a bit.

I felt cruel, chewing on it's flesh while looking at the alive and moving lobster.
It didn't feel good.

However, it didn't felt as bad as the time I put 4 BB gun bullets into a lizard.
It was in my room before my exam an I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't as the big lizard was on the wall above the bed. And I made a bad judgement of trying to shoot it.

The first bullet hit it's leg, which made it limp half way across the room, and then it stopped there, and I wanted it to go away, so I shoot a second shot. Which was puzzling as I didn't see it hit the lizard and didn't see it bounce off the wall either.

The third shot hit it's front leg and I could see a 'bruise', and then I couldn't stop there as it was suffering and had to kill it. :( :( :( !!!

At this point I felt really really really really down, I didn't dare shoot it again so my mum shot it, and it fell down on to the bed and bounced off to the floor at which point I took a can of Ridsect and sprayed it till it gone pale.

I felt like I murdered a human! It was the most devastating feeling ever, it felt worse then failing all papers in a semester. It was so bad. I promised I would never kill a lizard again.

Here's the lizard shot and severely wounded on my pillow,

And remember the 'bruise', it was actually the red pellet which got stuck at the lizard's leg.

And the shot that was puzzling? it wasn't that I didn't hit it, I did hit it but it
went into the lizard's stomach and caused it's guts to spill out.

The weapon used,

I was destroyed, I must've build years of bad karma with this. I intentionally, first-handed killed a creature.

It was terrible.

Ok, back to the motherland.

Here's a local street market,

selling all types of foodstuff, fried noodles, pan-fried dumplings, candy coated fruits on a stick, lok-lok style dishes, pork 'hands', etc.

And the next two days, we headed to a new destination, the people there were not as fast-moving as the other province here, there are a lot of Karaoke bars.

The night-view is better. And I don't mean the huge neon signs, it's the girls.

This area near the hotels taht I walk by I see alot of old men with young girls full with make-up blonde hair and very very very verrry pretty.

speaking of pretty, I don't know if it's me or what but there'e so much more pretty girls in China! I think it's because I'm Chinese my hormones rage when I see a girl with Chinese features.

Seriously, even at the poorer rural places the working girls look so pretty to me, and they are just the normal young girls.

At the new area, the prostitutes, or so-called local tour guide are almost like superstar, my hormones were raging during the trip to China.

China dolls. The term suits them perfectly.

Oh, continuing from my previous post, I didn't get the chance to meet the Korean girl, I had three papers back to back and being the master procrastinator that i am, I didn't sleep to study for the first two papers, by the 3rd night, I just couldn't push my body any further, I fell into a deep sleep and overslept for the paper, so I had to defer it with an illness reason. My laziness cost me heavily this time.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN KENNETH!!!

Nowadays I spend most of my time, cleaning my own car, catching up with things that I should have done months ago, and gaming.

Remember I used to brag about the greatness of Call of Duty 4?

Well, I got into it so much that I'm in an amateur clan, bought myself gaming equipments(mouse, mouse pad, keyboard, headphones), and have joined an on-going competition.

Everytime I go for training, I feel like a sampah masyarakat. I think nothing good comes out of gaming, you play with many players with bad attitude, I think all of those whom I know are materialistic, nothing good comes out of it.

so why can't I stop?

because, the fun, is, addictive.

Argh, my Buddhist side is deteriorating, I'm regressing faster and deeper each day.
But the thing I noticed is, I'm seldom depressed nowadays... could it be the gaming?

When I'm more extroverted, I don't get depressed.
When I'm introverted, locked up in my own hole, I ask myself all the self doubting questions which makes me depressed.

Hmmm.....

And onwards is 7 things about me, got tagged by Footiam.
His post is here:
http://dhammadelights.blogspot.com/2008/12/meme-7-facts-about-me.html

Okay I will write 7 things about my current self which most people do not know, the little details.

1) I feel like vomiting if I eat too fast or too much. It's like I get a hangover after eating chicken rice.

2) I'm overprotective towards my sister.

3) I'm afraid that my orthodontist will scold me because I haven't visited her after I took out my braces 3-4 years ago, which is why I never made an appointment, until last week.

4) I need things to be clean, organized an tidy, if not I feel uncomfortable. My blanket has to be folded, even if it was unfolded at 8pm.

5) I believe achieving perfection is possible, even though everybody tells me there's no such thing as a person with no flaws.

6) There are a few Buddha images hanging on my cupboard and wall, so I don't shoot the airplane in the room, but in the toilet. *EWWWW OK a little too much info there*

7) I want to be a nurse, not a businessman.

ok I have to tag 7 other people but I'm an introvert and don't like to show my neediness of others, yeah very shallow, so I'll just tag one person.

Yep, you guessed it alright, IZSO!

www.izso.blogspot.com, you are tagged! Write 7 facts about yourself please :)

Failed!

2008-10-14T01:16:00.003+08:00

Kim Jeesun!

That's her name...

So I took an elective this semester, the unit is Retail Management and during the first class, I sat beside this girl, with her cute cap and glossy lips, she looked so Korean, and later found out she is. That time I remembered I wanted to ask her something and just introduce myself, but I didn't, because of fears and limitations that my mind created and presumed(STUPID!). So I though, ahh there's always next week...

and yes I didn't again because I keep putting it off and after 4 weeks, I didn't go to class and she attended, and the weeks after that I attended in hopes of seeing her, but she didn't attend and today was our last week and last day of class.

yesterday I was psyching myself out, building positive mental attitude, re-reading my dating e-book and watching a video, which I only managed to watch 2.5 hours of, there are 12 hours in total.

And today in class, I entered late, but was delighted that she was there, we sat way apart... I said to myself I would at least get her e-mail address. There was no opportunity until we left class, and somehow I just stood there, not knowing what to do... I reframed my limitations of what she would think... so I didn't matter what she would think, and I didn't reframe what my friends would think.

Being a very critical person, I was afraid that they would criticize me, for example like,

"This Kenneth, see pretty girls then only go and make a move"

or

"This Kenneth, so shallow only look for pretty girls"

you get the point, and all these thoughts just keep charging into my mind, I had a great barrier to protect myself from what Jeesun would think of me.

But I forgot to build the barrier of what my friends would think.

So as Jeesun walked out the door, I stood there telling myself I have failed... and I realized I could have followed her out the door and somehow, we would strike a conversation. That time, my positivity gas ran out, and I fully regretted it.

I am the only one to blame myself for this. I discovered that the times were I tried to improve myself the most are when I'm infatuating a girl whom I want be together with (yeah I don't get the whole courtship thing, bear with me please)

And when I don't like any girl, I get lazy and drastically slowed down self-improvement, which is a mistake because I should gradually improve because one day, I might just meet the girl that I want to be with, or that's the idea at least.

And today I know this girl, but I just didn't build my positivity enough, didn't reframe my limitations enough, to build the courage and guts to approach her. Oh what a mistake I have made.

If only I have another chance to meet her... Kim Jeesun! if somehow you are reading this, drop me a message!!!

le sigh~

moral of the story: never stop improving yourself, eventhough it will not come in handy now, it will sooner or later! When you need it unexpectedly, then too bad, you're unprepared. Damn damn damn damn.

p.s. She reminds me of BoA

My mistake

2008-10-12T22:02:00.002+08:00

You know what, I've just realized something that you(footiam and izso) has been trying to tell me, I've been pre-occupied by thinking about the true religion, what really comes after death, the truth to everything, that I've been swayed away from what is TRULY IMPORTANT.

Here I am quoting from a book by Franz Metcalf,

What would Buddha do to learnt he secrets of the universe?

Many statements I have left unsaid. Why have I left them unsaid? Because they are not helpful. They are not fundamental o the holy life. They do not lead to peace, knowledge, awakening, nirvana (Majjhima Nikaya 63).

Franz Metcalf(2002) commented, The simple answer to this question is that Buddha would not try to learn the secrets of the universe. He didn't teach them, either. In fact, when Buddha was teaching, several students implored him to reveal those secrets and he never did. They asked if the universe is eternal, if the soul and body are the same, if the Buddha continues to exist after death, etc. He never even said whether he knew the answers. Why didn't he speak? Because they just don't matter on the path of awakening. Buddha taught the path to peace, the path he calls the holy life in the passage above. This path makes us happy, loving and wise. That was what he cared about, and that is what Buddha tells us we should care about. When we get all hot and bothered about questions we can never answer, it is good to remember Buddha's example: he didn't bother himself about such things and he turned out okay.

That was my mistake, I've been angry and not very mindful of the things I do and say... and keep asking questions that I can never answer now, how stupid of me not to realize it sooner.

And the answer to my old post, and has also been mentioned by footiam before when he said "What's wrong with making money?", I didn't fully agree with that question but I do now after reading 'Profit is fine, making it our goal is harmful. Profit is good, greed is not'

With a mind of trust and harmony he conducted all kinds of business, yet he did not find his pleasure in the profit it made him (Vimalakitri Sutra 2).

Another stupid mistake I've been doing is finding the faults of different religions, what I should have done was to concentrate on the good, the fruits and use what I can and discard what I cannot. I used to condemn Christians in my mind(SORRY), now I don't anymore, hope my Christian friends out there can forgive me.

In times of competition and rivalry

2008-10-07T00:09:00.002+08:00

quoting from a little book of "Heart of a Buddha"

Cultivate peace first

in the garden of your heart

removing weeds of selfishness and jealousy,

greed and anger,

pride and ego.

Then all will benefit from your

peace and harmony.

What does one have to do to maintain unselfishness and not being jealous in times of competition and rivalry?

What if in your workplace, someone is selfish and doesn't share information with you when you ask it from them.

And they do not silently hint this to you but openly say, "I don't want to give you".

Do you do unto them like what they did to you, do you remain selfish to them EXCLUSIVELY.

If you don't and you stay on your path and maintain your unselfishness, are you being taken advantage of?
Will people think you're a fool for sharing information and giving help to the other party when that party does not do the same to you?

I remember reading a small section of a book online, Hakagure: Way of the Samurai, it states that if one is always focused on righteousness, one will bring about many mistakes.

I DISAGREE.

Righteousness will always prevail, in under any circumstances, just like honesty.

A week of regression

2008-08-18T01:09:00.002+08:00

There's a saying,

"If today I have not progressed, I have already regressed"

And I have regressed for one whole week. I've become a sampah masyarakat, let me tell you how I lived my past week or so.

Last Saturday and Sunday I was out playing Call of Duty 4 with friends till 3-4 am.
And then I will wake up habitually at 1pm.

Thinking that my alarm will wake me up for school at 8am on Monday. But I couldn't, so I missed the morning classes. On Monday night although I didn't go out I spent my time on internet forums and flash games(www.onemorelevel.com) till 3-4 am and also thinking that my alarm will wake me up.

And again, it didn't, my body clock times are messed up, and so I missed my morning classes again, which are the tutorials and are more important than the afternoon lectures.

I don't have classes the next day so, COD4 again! Ever since some guys started a new 'clan' and I was in it, although not seriously, I started playing more. And the other serious guys are more serious.

They bring their own headphones, mouse and sometimes keyboard to the internet cafe. And I am expected to do the same since the attached microphones on those headphones don't really work.

So on Tuesday night, played till 3-4 am, and sleep at 6am. Next day wake up at 2pm.

Wednesday afternoon, when I should be studying, I read a new novel I bought and spent the day reading that. At night slept very late as well and on Thursday, missed my morning tutorial class.

And every night from that day till yesterday, COD4 till very late, wasting so much time and money.

So it was a whole week of no studying, missed classes, playing games. Downright sampah masyarakat.

man I feel so guilty, even on Saturday when I should be studying spent the day reading finish the novel, which was really good to me, title is Painter from Shanghai which tells the tale of Pan Yuliang(a real late painter) who was a prostitute and later became a painter.

And today, surfed internet forums, sleep in the afternoon, played some games, burned 'money' for ancestors and watched badminton from evening till night. (pity Lee Chong Wei, didn't seem on form as he made so many errors)

speaking about burning stuff for ancestors, now that I know a bit more about different religions, I asked a few questions as I tossed the folded paper with a square gold and silver foil in the middle.

Recently I've doubting the truth of religions. Christianity says this, Islam says that, Buddhism says this. WHICH is the TRUTH???

Each religion will say itself as the true one. I have no problem with that, but the thing I don't like about Christianity is their criticism towards others. Atheists are fools, humanism is a sin and stuff like that, if a religion is suppose to encourage peace, shouldn't it treat all as being equal and not to discriminate others?

I know we are supposed to be fearful of God, and forgive me for only thinking as a mortal human, but if his words are discriminatory, wouldn't that cause us to divide rather than unite?

And here's another reason why I think Christianity is more popular than Buddhism, fear.

After death, those who receives Christ and have faith in God goes to heaven. Those who do not, go to hell, regardless of all the good works you did, as long as you have no faith in God, you go to hell!

And according to Buddhism, it is about rebirth, and based on your karma, where you will rebirth in the next life. A Buddhists goal is to escape this cyclic existence, which doesn't seem so bad to be rebirth as long as your karma is good.

But according to Christianity, if you do not have faith in God and have only faith in yourself, then you will be going to hell.

So the disadvantage after death to a Buddhist is rebirth. The disadvantage after death to a Christian in Hell, the latter is of course the worse. The scarier one. If I am a Christian, I am safe, I am saved, if ultimately I am not going to heaven or hell but I will go through rebirth, then heck, that's no problem as long as I've done good in my life.

But if I am a Buddhist and if Christianity turns out to be the truth of all things, then I am going to hell, even if my karma is extremely good, because I did not accept Christ and have no faith in God.

I will have to find free time to ask some rinpoches and pastors about this.

Doubt is a terrible thing, it is destroying me I feel. But I honestly believe, for the survival of humanity, we should all follow Buddha's teachings. Total equanimity, and no discrimination.

It's now 1.45 am and I haven't prepare things for tomorrow yet, class is at 9am. I won't be sleeping and was actually playing COD4 at home with newly installed bots.

While waiting for some YouTube videos to load, I opened my pdf e-book, the Analects of Confucius. I downloaded it after watching the opening of the Beijing Olympics, the act where the 3000 Confucius disciples were reading things from their wooden scrolls. The grandeur of it all prompted me to search a bit about Confucius and what he teaches. He is a great thinker and existed before Buddha or Christ(551 BC - 479 BC).

Reading down page 7, something interested me,

Tsze-kung asked what constituted the superior man. The Master said,
“He acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his
actions.”

The word 'superior' caught my attention. I have inferiority complex, my self-esteem and confidence is at an almost record breaking low and negativity is way high up. The things I've read in self-help books isn't what I am. I want to appear superior, I am a chauvinist.

But after reading that, I realize I am anything BUT superior. I've told my assignment partners I will do this and that, and have this idea that I think will get us high marks, but I didn't do anything about those ideas. I am speaking before I act! So now will be staying up and starting what I should have finished days ago.

Another thought this week is that I am a jack of all trades, master of none. wait let me re-phrase, more like jackASS of all trades.

Let me list out:

At studying: I'm not brilliant, in fact I'm one of the stupidest guys at my uni.

At gaming: Not quick thinking or have great reflexes, my friend beats me.

At socializing: 110% introvert, so no need to mention.

At having a good personality: As a guy, my personality is fucked up. I like things that most guys don't, and most girls do. Why lah am I born like this.

At having a good attitude: Bah, you know me better from my posts, I'm lazy, negative, hypocritical, critical, and untrustworthy.

At being thrifty: I'm wasting cash, and it's not earned by me!

At fulfilling my responsibilities: I now what they are, and I do not have the luxury to spend hours gaming away, but hey, I am doing that very thing!

The worse thing is, I know all my flaws and I don't do anything about it, I am stagnant and unwilling to get out of my comfort zone, I resist change.

When I worked as a waiter last time my boss told me,

If you're a malay and you are that lazy, it's bad.
If you're a chinese and as lazy as that, you are the worst.

Another thought this week is about my uncertain future.

I am studying for a Bachelor's degree in business and commerce (economics and finance major).

And I hate it. I took it because I spent all my time playing games last time and when the time came to choose something to study, I just followed my friends, and here I am.

I first thought of becoming a banker and build up my capital to open my own detailing centre in the future.

Although feasible, I am unsure of the part of becoming a banker, I'm not a person who can think critically, I'm slow and unintelligent. Unlike a friend who worked as an intern at JP Morgan Chase (Hey Jian! *wave*), he wished to be a fund manager. Wow, I wish I could say the same for myself, but I know I can't do something like that.

I am slowly realizing I am the creative and imaginative type. I thought of becoming an actor, which I told my dad and was surprised that he said "Can !"

wow... but that would've put my degree to total waste. Which is wasting further as I failed quite a number of subjects.

One career that I think would fit my personality is nursing. But heck, starting again to study for it will make my dad fork out money, which I rather have him use for my siblings.

And of course my dad expects me to help him in his business in the future.

I don't think I'll be a very good businessman either.

If only I could rewind the clock. To quote from The Painter of Shanghai, "No matter how much we long to be in the past, we are rooted in the present".

A love story

2008-07-31T20:02:00.004+08:00

In form 5, I dread the times when we are asked to write essays or karangan, it's just time consuming and I would rather much play my Ragnarok Online. After 2-3 years studying dull financial gibberish, I miss those days and wish I could appreciate them more then. So I thought I try and write something, it's a short 950 word essay. It is purely fictional. Might be too mushy for the tough guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve known her since we were 12 years old. It was in our old classroom, sitting on our wooden desks and chairs. I used to lose myself gazing at her, lost in a wind of emotions. We lived our school years but never really got to know each other, until recent years. She may still have an effect on me as I sometimes lose myself in her eyes.

In the recent years, we grew closer to each other, as friends. I’ve been with her through some troubling times, some which may feel like hell to her, as it sure felt that way to me. She’s a very attractive girl, many boys will fall for her at the same time, it will be surprising to find her without a boyfriend at any given time. I’m happy for her if she is happy.

But I discovered her true self before any other girl. Is it possible? To love before infatuating? Is it possible?

This is how I felt, that if there was a girl I would be with the rest of my life, it would be her. But I am stubborn with my values, I’m against destroying relationships, especially of one whom I love. I love her.

What if she is to be taken away from me? I don’t have any right to keep her to myself. What if her lover wants her to be with him, in another country, far away from where I am, what if the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, disappears.

I want to stop that from happening, but I can’t. Her lover is taking her to France, as he himself is a French, she wishes to learn his native language. He is everything I am not. He is intelligent, he is successful, he is charming. Till that day comes, I cherish every single moment I spend my time with her. When we talk, I still tend to lose myself in her deep eyes. My surroundings didn’t matter to me, I could feel her speech was only masking what was really on her mind.

We remain friends for over four years, which feels like seconds when I am with her. We are both 22. The time has come for her to go to France. I’ve been single all my life because I haven’t found a girl that I will love, like her. I confess I’m not an attractive guy, or else I would’ve made the effort to be with her. But I didn’t want her to be unsatisfied or unhappy whenever she is with me.

I know the boys that want to be with her are better than me, so I held myself back, and just to be there for her when she needed me. But I can’t sit beside her in lectures anymore, I can’t eat with her during lunchtime anymore. She is leaving for France, and I always wanted to do something with a girl that I loved.

The evening before she left, I asked her out to a park, which may not seem unusual to her, as we were just two close friends. As we crossed the short bridge over a drain, we stepped on the concrete paved path. I tell myself this is the last time I will be with her, the girl that I want to be with, the rest of my life. We were just friends, but I feel as if my true-love is gone, my soul feels empty, for there isn’t a purpose in life after she left.

We walked for a minute in silence, hearing the dry rusty leaves floating across our feet. My emotions overwhelmed me, it made my hand reach for hers. I did not look at her, but I did not feel her resisting, I slowly slit my fingers between hers and locked our palms together. My surroundings were blurry, although I wasn’t looking at her, her beautifully shaped face, her hazel brown eyes, was very clear on my mind. The smell of freshly cut grass was invigorating, her warm hands were comforting to hold, but I didn’t feel the emotions I felt when I was 12, which was the first time when I saw her.

I felt a certain sadness, emptiness, like a young bird without its mother. I felt lost. I want her to stay, and I do not want her to go, but it is not my choice to make. She is happy, and I should be happy for her, but I am not.

We walked around the park twice. “Seth, is there something you want to tell me?” she said. Her sweet voice made me think of the days where I would just sit and listen as she talk to our friends. Our short conversations on the phone are even shorter as I can’t think of anything to say, but just to listen to her voice.

I stopped, which tugged her hand for a bit as she didn’t realize it. I grabbed her other hand, and build my courage to lift my head, it felt like I had a sack of rice tied to my chin. But that feeling soon vanished as my eyes met hers.

I love her, I wanted that moment to last, I didn’t want her to go. She looked at me in a way that I’m unfamiliar of.

I muttered, “I love you”. . .

Her eyes started to glimmer like the way the rippling sea looks during sunset. A tear rolled down her white cheeks. And then, I remembered immediately, it was the same way she looked at me when we were 12.

Her eyes grew deeper.

Her lips separated.

“I love you too”.

internet infatuation

2008-07-26T05:06:00.000+08:00

heart melts

Drawing the line between...

2008-07-18T03:42:00.002+08:00

1) Optimism and Arrogance

2) Humility and Pessimism

I came up with this diagram, and I call the balance the attitude equilibrium. This just includes 4 attitudes. right now I'm still finding the green spot, the middle spot, finding the balance.

I want to be as humble as can be but sometimes find myself to be too pessimistic as I keep putting myself down. So I have to have some positivity/optimism, but at the same time cannot be too optimistic as I think this will lead me to become arrogant.

So now, I'm trying to find the 'attitude equilibrium'.

Sex

2008-07-07T14:50:00.000+08:00

Everybody wants it. I’m young and still a virgin and want it more then anybody else.

Today I came across this thread in a forum I visit frequently.

Someone there is asking about a situation where his friend has been asked by an ex-gf (a hot one), to make love to her.

That guy already has a steady gf for 4 years. And the ex-gf that wants to have sex with him is pregnant!

So he made a poll on the forum and asked if his friend should do it, i.e. to have sex with his ex-gf.

Or not to do it.

I stated if the ex-gf is single then probably. But the ex-gf is pregnant!

7 people said yes go for it.

3 said no, I can’t betray my current gf.

Guess where am I in there.

I mean, if you were married, would you like someone to have sex with your wife?! Sorry things like this angers me. There’s even one guy there who stated…

”no bull, currently i hav 2 'wife' gf (both wit still living husbands) ...and many times hav sex (wit condom) liao..

no force, no pressure... just plain willing, love, xciting, orgasm & pleasure sex “

I have utter disrespect for him, although I don’t hate him for living his own life. This is why hatred, anger, rage and wars exist, when people cannot control their own desires, when they want to acquire something to please their pleasures (I’m not talking sexually only).

This is why sex sells, because everybody wants it. I’m not saying sex is bad, it’s good, quoting from the bible “Be fruitful and multiply”, but do it responsibly.

Whatever happened to righteousness??

There is a wrong way for doing something right

But there is no right way for doing something wrong.

And having sex with a married ex-girlfriend is DEFINITELY wrong! Sure she is hot, and the sex will probably be steamy and the best one to have or will have in your life. But if it results in cheating not only your own girlfriend, also the other man, even though you don’t know him, is utterly WRONG.

Okay at least this boosted my self-esteem and I know I’m wiser than some blokes over there who voted for “yes, go for it!”. Especially the guy who said he’s having sex with two married women. And he seems to be proud of it.

Also to the two married women cheating on their own husband. Yalah you can call me young and naïve, but this is not about being naïve or not, this is about doing what is RIGHT!

Lies and deceit. Where is the truth, honesty and loyalty nowadays. Corruption is high, crime rates are high all because people want to obtain something to please their sensual pleasures. Human is flawed in so many ways, which is why I’m still a non-believer. If God is our creator, his creations are certainly not perfect. Sorry if I offended any Christians, this is just my worthless opinion.

To the guy wonderfully having sex with two married women while I have to masturbate in my room watching porn, well done to you.

ok ok no more pessimism

2008-07-01T22:38:00.002+08:00

I shall try!

These past few days I've been filling my mind heavily with self-doubt,
I can't do this I can't do that.

Just today I was walking to the car park in 1 Utama, and there's this tall skinny guy, who doesn't look very macho or guy-ish, but beside him is this extreeeeeeeeeemely hot girl, with the perfect body, perfect hair and perfect face, well to me anyway.

And I can't stop thinking what does he have that I don't.
Well he's probably a very optimistic person, well he's probably more hardworking, more intelligent, more... you get the point. And it goes on and on and makes me walk with my head pointing towards the ground.

My desire for life at the moment is zero, with no will or purpose to live.

I've been verrrrry pessimistic. But now I'll try to change, positive thoughts and blog posts from now on!!! (or as long as I can sustain).

I was actually a positive person. After reading a book by Keith Harrell's book, Attitude is Everything. But then afterwards I read another book, 7 habits of highly successful people.
In it it states that positivity does not bring results, or something like that.

An example to illustrate this point was that, a traveler is following a wrong map to get to his destination. A successful traveler will find the proper map, and the 'positive' traveler is absolutely positive that he will get to his destination.

From that point on, it kind of threw all the things I read about positivity away.

and negativity began... even when I go otu with my friends, we were dreaming about what cars to own in the future.
Of course anybody's dream car would be a Ferrari ( or a Lambo, depends on which camp you're in) When he mentioned a Ferrari I immediately said "Wah, sure cannot lah"
Then he told me "Why so negative?"

I didn't realize I was being negative because I thought that was the truth, I mean, what are the chances, of my friend and I, from one of the laziest class in school, in owning a Ferrari?

(yeah yeah I know A dream is only a dream and a goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline, make the dream a goal! *wow positive thinking right there!*)

but seriously, what are the chances and the probability????

so do you think I was being negative there?...

but anyhow from then, negativity and pessimism became automatic and apart of me.
Kenneth, the negative boy.

Okay from now on, positive thoughts...wow this is really harder than I thought...
I'm trying to say "I can do it" in my mind at the moment but as soon as I said " I can.... *negativity kicks in*... I sure cannot lah".

hmmm I should re-read that attitude is everything book!!
All the way babeh!!!!!

okay since I'm on an enthusiastic roll... let me tell you a joke. well, a to-be joke

Watching movies alone have become a norm to me and this morning while waiting for my car to be serviced I went to watch the incredible hulk movie( go watch it in the cinema, the sound effects and loudness are great). So I was lining up at Cineleisure's ticket counter,

Ticket girl: Hi

Me: yeah, Incredible Hulk, 12.15pm

Ticket girl: How many? One?

Me: Yeah....

Me: ...Unless you want to watch it with me. *give cheeky smile*

haha no I didn't said that, the conversation just ended at yeah, but I so wanted to ask her unless you want to watch it with me...haha wouldn't that be funny?

and if she said sure, but I get off work at 3pm, we watch the 4pm show okay?

And then we watch it together at 4pm and then get to know each other and live happily ever after.

Dream on Kenneth.

And another thought, before the movie I was having breakfast alone (scared to call any friends, fear of rejection mah*damn, negative*), while reading Memoirs of a Geisha (Chiyo-chan~!!), I had this thought, if I were to be a bachelor, for life! and nobody ever wants me...

I could always go to a maid agency and pick a decent looking one and treat her like a wife...

*urK*

why do I even have such thoughts???????

pessimistic I guess, pessimistic about finding a girl... A friend tells me not to worry, you'll meet a lot of people when you start working...

1) well for starters many working guys don't have a girl...so what a re the chances that I would be able to find one?
2) Work? it seems like an eternity from now!!

sigh okay okay sorry no more negative thoughts I can't help it. It's au-to-ma-tic~

Automatic by Utada Hikaru, enjoy, have a good day!

My (shallow) theory on the popularity of Christianity and how I lose friends.

2008-06-26T17:32:00.000+08:00

Here’s why I think why Christianity is so popular.

There’s some statistics showing that 33% of the world’s population are Christians and only 5% and Buddhists.

You know why?

It’s the music.

Would you rather sing and praise the lord or sit and chant/meditate?

Christians have rock bands (e.g. the Planetshakers) that attracts thousands of youth.

What do Buddhists have? A venerable one that teaches you the proper way to sit, breath and meditate

Obviously the youth will prefer to rock out to wonderful music!

Why Buddhists don’t have such things? Well it will be a contrast to what the Buddha teaches, to release oneself from sensual pleasures, and ultimately, released from any desires.

This is just my shallow theory.

And let me let you in on why I don’t have close friends, and how I don’t get very close to any friend in the first place.

*arranged in chronological order*

Step 1: I get to know you, I talk to you, ask you stuff, I respect your views, I think you’re so funny and smart. I like you J

Step 2: As I get to know you, my uber-critical nature identify your flaws and register them in my head under your name. This fellar has so and so flaws that I don’t like (my selfishness), and that person has so and so.

Step 3: The next time I meet you, I take you for granted, I belittle you in my mind, I look down upon you. What we think in our mind reflect ourselves. Even though I don’t let you know that, but my attitude towards you tells you.

Step 4: You realize, hey this dude here has no respect for me, he thinks I’m insignificant, why am I even spending my time with him?

Step 5: Then that person I just knew looks for his other friends. Usually he/she may call me to go out for a drink in the beginning, because I often say I’m busy or give excuses, they stop calling. Because my mind will go, why go out with them, when they are of no benefit to me. See my evilness? But if they have no flaws, then my mind will turn jealous, ahh, this fellar, is so happy always and so positive always, why go with them and feel intimidated and inferior, I better stay at home and correct the people who make wrong statements on the internet to feed my ego and pride.

Step 6: Distance grow between us. Then I start to feel lonely, and then after a long time of loneliness and desperation, I start to miss you. Then when I meet you again, I’m all nice and funny to you again. And then my mind tells me I’m wasting my time and effort because I think you’re insignificant. And the vicious cycle begins.

Step 7: What could be a meaningful relationship in the end is often destroyed and my chances are lost. It’s easier to lose trust than to gain one.

This explains why I have no best friends, or close friends. This explains why my relationships with people are short, and often time’s people think I’m insincere or fake. And distance grows.

That’s also why I always wonder how do people treat everyone they know without discrimination, you know, they don’t talk bad stuff about others and are always positive, looking at the bright side of things. I wish I could be like that.

So if you think you are one of them people in my vicious cycle, I deeply and sincerely apologize to you. I try to change. I respect all of you really, but I’m very critical, negative, sensitive and gets jealous easily.

So I’m sorry if you think you’re insignificant in my life. You’re not! This applies to mr.anonymous, I wouldn’t be humbled without him (or her? O.o)

My trip to the church

2008-06-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

So last Saturday, I went to the church, FGA, to attend a seminar/talk on creation, i.e. how the world and the universe came to be.

So I entered the church wearing my chain with the Goddess of Mercy pendant(Kun Yam)
Before the seminar started they started to sing a song, and it does make you feel humble when everyone sing, praising the lord, knowing that there is a supreme entity up there looking down on you and loving you.
So they started singing 'Praise the lord', 'I'm in awe of all of you', etc. etc.
I didn't although the song was very pleasant and I just clapped along.

Basically it's based on the bible. God created the world and all that's in them in six literal days. It is against what human scientists believe.

The bible says the world is approximately 6000 years old.
Human scientists say the world is 4.6 billion years old, calculated by analyzing the oldest rocks found.

So the seminar is basically pointing out that modern human scientists carbon dating techniques, etc. etc. are wrong/inaccurate.

Before the speaker, Reverend Albert, talked about creation, he first gave an overview for the purpose of the seminar, why men rejects God and so on.

Basically, he was talking about what I was.

In the work book he states 3 destructive philosophies.

1. Individualism - Live for myself.

And I do have this destructive philosophy, I remembered once my auntie borrowed me this book, the purpose of life, I didn't know it was based on god first, it wasn't stated on the cover.
After reading a few pages and then they slowly start to say we live for God, our purpose is to live for God, I got discouraged straight away.

My rebellious nature was thinking, why on earth do I have to live for an external factor??

Nobody affects my life but me. I am my own god. This is called individualism.

The second destructive philosophy is Secularism, i.e. God is unnecessary, because at the moment, I do think so that god is unnecessary, again because he is an external factor.

The third destructive philosophy is relativism, that there are no absolutes in life. I forgot what he said about this.

One part of the seminar talks about Christianity being under attack. The real issue is, is there a god??

So what people should do is, begin with God as he is truth. And to reject all lies and atheistic humanism lifestyle.

Now this sounds familiar right my Buddhist friends?
Buddha was a prince, he was a human. He meditated and got enlightened and preaches about his teaching to all.
Buddhists do not believe in a creator god.

So Buddhism is an atheistic humanism lifestyle, and according to Christianity, is not the truth and is not the way to live.

This leads me to another question. If those that did not believe in Jesus, they will perish and be sent to hell.

What about the people that were not exposed to Jesus and his doings at that point if time?
What about the people in India(for example) who know nothing about it, are they going to hell because they are not exposed to Christianity.

Another question, Buddha, where is he now?
Of course Buddhists will know that he is enlightened and has free himself from the cycle of rebirths and has achieved nirvana. He is in peace, eternally.

But Buddha did not believe in a creator god, so according to the bible, Buddha is in hell then?
He with all compassion and has relieved many of their suffering is in hell?
I'm not trying to create a controversy here, I apologize if I do, I'm just mentioning the questions that came up in my mind.

The creation seminar states that evolution is wrong.
Science is:
1) observable
2) repeatable
3) demonstrable

if evolution is true, then why aren't the monkeys in the Zoo turning to humans?
People there were laughing when they heard this statement.

To sum it all up, it's all based on the bible , and the bible is the truth of all things as it is god's words.
At the moment, human calculations, and it's factors and variables may be wrong, hence, contradictory to the bible.

I also found out that Adam lived for 930 years, and then when he ate the fruit he is not supposed to, he has sinned and decay started. Before that, there were no deaths and suffering, after Adam ate it, he sinned so all of man has sinned, and that was the start of decay, deaths arose.

So the things I learned,

According to Christianity, religions like Buddhism, derived from man, are false religions.
They do not like Aethists, because they deny the lord, the creator, the author.
Buddhism, is wrong, because all it's teachings are from MAN, not GOD.

I think it all boils down to, whether you believe in a creator-god.
If you believe him, then worship him and live for him.

I wonder if it is ok to have both.
believe in a creator god but still practice Buddha's teachings.

Since Buddha is man and God created man, he should be proud to see what his child, Buddha brought to the world!

I truly believe in the Buddha and his teachings and the way to end suffering.
The bible does say we are not allowed to believe in other god's as he is jealous of his relationship with you.
You only worship him.

But the thing is, Buddha is not a god, he is a man.

Is this a loophole? can we worship the creator-god, and practice Buddha's teachings?(e.g. meditation)
If can, than that would be ideal.

oh during the seminar, he quotes alot of proverbs from the bible, John what what, Corinthian, Romans something something.
This is all to state things that contradicts to what human scientists believe today.

So at the end of the seminar during the question and answer session I wanted to ask him,

"What if the bible is wrong?"

but of course I didn't as everyone would go *GAAASSSSP!!!* and look at me with huge round eyes.

"YE AVE SINNED!!! THOU SHALL PERISH ETERNALLY!!!!"

Doooooooom~~~

haha.

of course the bible can't be wrong to Christians, but
so are the palis and sutras to Buddhists.

for now my mind is open, I can accept Christianity but I am all for Buddhism. Maybe I should ask a Christian pastor about this.

Worshiping god and practicing Buddhism

and also a Buddhist monk, practicing Buddhism and worshiping a creator-god.

But hey you know what, if I can contribute to mankind by being born into the world again and again and to help free others from suffering, I'm all for it, instead of accepting Christ and go into heaven eternally...I will choose whichever way that is more selfless.

If both doesn't satisfy me, I would have to read the Quran! lol

so what do you think?
I welcome all comments, whether you're a Buddhist or a Christian or a Muslim. But please keep it friendly and respect other religions and faiths.

My younger brother's MSN personal message

2008-06-10T23:08:00.002+08:00

JESUS is the key to our life, we would be in hell without him so respect him, give him love and he will love u. LOL=LOVE OUR LORD

My mum's a Christian, My Uncle(yeah the one featured in the 1st video blog post) and his wife, and now my brother... LOL, sorry I mean LtB (Love the Buddha).

Next thing you know, I'm a Christian haha...

I 'll be following my uncle to his Church after my exams to listen about Creation, how the world came to be etc.

should be interesting :)

sorry if I haven't replied to your comments izso and footiam, will tend to it shortly after my papers!

RM2.70/litre

2008-06-05T01:45:00.004+08:00

dang it, I just typed a post about the recent price hike of petrol price but the browser hanged up and got deleted.

To summarise,

RM2.70 new price for RON97 fuel.

Fuel price gap between RON92 and RON97 increase from 4 cents/litre to 8 cents/litre

More incentive to use RON92

Found out my Saga 1.3 campro tuned for RON95 and above

Bang head

Mad at people who is blaming the government for increase price hike

They cannot do anything with crude oil prices hitting record high.

Last two weeks read how high fuel price in U.S affecting people lives.
e.g.

Car pooling with three colleagues.

Cycling, jogging to work.

Cutting road trip plans.

Although latest news is that crude oil price fall by 2.7% as oil prices reduces fuel demand. Other news predicts that the oil price bubble will burst. Let's hope for this.

Thinking of getting a motorbike but ditched the idea in the end.

Living in Malaysia is actually not cheap because our income:expense ratio is lower compared to other countries like U.K

Another flaw

2008-05-29T17:50:00.005+08:00

another flaw that I've discovered about myself recently is pride. Maybe I am not egoistic, and the proper word is pride, and I have lots of it, the actions I do the thoughts in my mind. I keep performing actions that will make me look impressive/superior. I recently realized this after taking a tibetan personality test. Here you can do it too. The instructions are in italics

Take your time with this test and you will be amazed

Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you

Warning!!

Be honest and don't cheat by looking up the answers.

The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened.

This is fun to do but you have to follow the instructions very closely

Do not Cheat!

Make A WISH!! before you begin your test.

There are only 4 questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results.

Go down slowly, and complete each exercise as you scroll down

Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along

You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you alot abut your true self.

Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer.

Remember, no one sees this but you.

(1) Put the 5 following animals in the order of your preference:

Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig

(2) Write one word that describes each of the following:

Dog, Cat, Rat, Sea, Coffee

(3) Think of someone, who also knows you, which you can relate them to the following colours. Do NOT repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each colour:

Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green

(4) Finally, write down your favourite number, and your favourite day of the week.

Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.

Look at the interpretations below:
but first before continuing, repeat your wish!

ANSWERS:

(1) This will define your priorities in your life

Cow signifies CAREER

Tiger signifies PRIDE

Sheep signifies LOVE

Horse signifies FAMILY

Pig signifies MONEY

(2)

Your description of dog implies your own personality.

Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.

Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.

Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.

Your description of the sea implies your own life.

(3)

Yellow: Someone you will never forget

Orange: someone you consider your true friend

Red: Someone that you really love

White: Your twin soul

Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

(4)

You have to send this message to as many persons as your favourite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded.
This is what Dalai Lama has said about the Millenium - just take a few seconds! to look it up, read it and think.

Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out of your hands in the next 96 hours. You will have a pleasant surprise.

And then the rest is to ask you to forward this e-mail to other people and your life will improve. I think that part is bollocks but 1-3 is quite interesting. So what did you get?

For number one I listed sheep, tiger, horse cow, pig. So my priorities in order are

Love, Pride, Family, Career, Money.

see, the bad one in this thing is the tiger, pride, and it's my number two priority! ranking ahead of career and money!

For the second question.

Dog - Friendly
Cat - Cute
Rat - Smelly
Coffee - Fake
Sea - Calm

I agree with all because I will like a cute girl, and my enemies, well don't know if they are smelly and my life is calm. But fake sex?? haha how can i have fake sex? the first word I thought was alert, but changed to fake.

The third question is quite weird also for Red, the person I really love I put my grandfather, I associate him because I associate red with anger, thus my grandfather, but then the meaning is like opposite -.-;

yeah so I was saying that my flaw is pride, I think I have pride because when I was young I use to get criticized alot, for my height, for my timidness, so I felt very inferior, and now whenever I have the chance I will do something that will make me proud in people's eyes that are looking at me (or so I thought). I'm not egoistic, I'm proud, very very proud. Like when I drive also, I will try to drive 'yeng'/cool a bit so my passengers can be 'impressed'. And sometimes when argue with my younger brother I don't even bother correcting him and teaching cause I don't want to look like the wrong one or like I'm lowering myself for him. See how high I want my head to be.

Now I need to figure out how to get rid of pride.

"He who knows doesn't say,
He who says doesn't know"

I belong to the latter.

stopping arhat month

2008-05-25T12:44:00.003+08:00

yeah so now you can think I'm scum because I've given up. hahaha

I've been doing it wrong because I forgot about the four stages of enlightenment.

words in italic are not my own words.

The first stage is to be a Stream-Winner, where at this stage, his insight is powerful enough to remove the first three fetters, namely:
(1) The belief in the existence of a permanent self;
(2) doubt in the ability of the Triple Gem (the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha); and
(3) The mistaken belief that moral rules and ascetic rites alone are sufficient to lead a person to Enlightenment.

from wikipedia;
Asceticism (Greek: askēsis) describes a life-style characterized by abstinence from various sorts of worldly pleasures such as maintaining power (especially sexual activity and consumption of alcohol) often with the aim of pursuing religious and spiritual goals.

A stream-winner, who is at the first stage of the noble path, is not yet free from craving1, ill-will, hatred, ignorance and conceit. However, unwholesome inclinations are not strong enough to lead him or her to kill, steal, or do other immoral deeds. A stream winner is mindful, and mindfulness keeps him or her on guard. The Buddha says, "A stream-winner avoids doing misdeeds that lead him to the lower worlds. Therefore he or she no longer takes life." So you should have confidence in the Buddha and meditate seriously.
When you have made some progress in meditation, you discover what mindfulness means. At the sight of a desirable object, you crave for it, and in the face of something offensive you become averse to it. You are not yet free from these unwholesome emotions, but mindfulness stands you in good stead and helps to restrain them. They lose their power and wither away. They are not out of control, as is the case with most people. They are not strong enough to make a stream-winner do evil.

1 I can watch Grey's anatomy! haha

I still have the first fetter and have to gain more knowledge that. The second, obviously is removed. The third, slowly removing.

The second stage is the Once-Returner. One who reaches this stage has succeeded in weakening the fourth and fifth fetters. These are:

(4) attachment to sensual desire; and
(5) ill will

The third stage is the Non-Returner where he COMPLETELY removes the fourth and fifth fetters.

At the fourth stage, he makes the final advance towards becoming an Arhat (a Perfecte One) who attains Nirvana because he has broken all the ten fetters, the last five which are:

(6) desire for existence in the worlds of Form;
(7) desire for existence in the Formless words;
(8) conceit;
(9) restlessness: and
(10) ignorance.

Here's an interesting bit.

You may ask what kind of rebirth will take place for the stream winner, the Once-Returner, the Non-Returner and the Arhat?
When a Stream-Winner passed away, he will no longer be reborn in any of the lower realms of existence. He will be reborn in the human or heavenly realms only. It will take him no more than seven rebirths before he attains Nirvana.
When a Once-Returner passed away, he will be reborn only once more as a human being. In that rebirth he would attain Nirvana,
When a Non-Returner passed away, he will no longer be reborn in the human realm; he will be reborn in one of the Pure Abodes in heaven when he will attain Nirvana.
An arhat who has attained Nirvana will not be reborn.

In this life I'm quite sure I can be a Stream-Winner, but a Once-Returner, will probably take lots of meditation, to remove my horni-ness.

Another thing that constantly arises my mind are that when I hear someone is a Christian I look down on them. which is WRONG and should show them compassion like anyone else. Have...to...remove...ill-will....

Infatuation vs love.

2008-05-24T21:38:00.004+08:00

I've been reading most of the articles on the first page after a Google search; infatuation vs love.

I realize that I think of all the people I thought I liked, are mere infatuations.
Here's a short table summarizing the facts.

So yeah, guess I'm still waiting... for that someone, for me to love.

btw Arhat month, is tough. I've given in yesterday, I was so frustrated because I didn't have time to study the whole day with my mum, dad, grandmother calling me and my brother and sister calling me to fetch them around...being the eldest brother is not a responsibility. It's an effing full time job.
I got so frustrated that I didn't even bother meditating and gave in to my sensual desires, and watched 2.5 hours of American Idol, the finale and the results show.
Back to meditating by tonight hopefully.

" A Buddha does not pay attention to the beauty of his clothes, the comfort of His bed, or the taste of his food. He does not pay heed to sense pleasures."

too extreme?

2008-05-18T22:13:00.003+08:00

Since Arhat week, I have been slacking 'majorly'.
I have been bad tempered and haven't been controlling my mind.
I have been indulging myself in all the music and videos I can see and listen.
*American Idol!*

Tomorrow is Wesak day.
Tonight I will be sleeping on a mattress on the floor and tomorrow is an early breakfast and meditation from 9.00 am to 6.00 pm
Can I do it?

and then, well this is a spontaneous decision but I think I need it with my exams starting on June 6.

Arhat MONTH!
4 weeks straight

"You think I'm scum?!"

Let's see if I can control myself.

As again, no music, no videos, no satisfying my sensual pleasures and desires.
No detailing forum surfing.

Daily meditation

Minimal or no procrastination.

damn I have to give up American Idol and Grey's anatomy for this.

Too extreme? maybe, but for an unfocused, unconcentrated, procrastinating, undisciplined guy like me. Too extreme may not even be enough.

and something I thought about this afternoon, am I a guy?

1) I watch American Idol, I teared when David Archuleta cried on the top 3 results show.
2) I watch Grey's anatomy
3) I don't like clubbing
4) I don't drink or smoke
5) I'm not aggressive (besides driving)
6) I care too much about other people's feelings(well sometimes, or is it just to please them. I found out many people are annoyed by this because they find it fake.)
7) I'm naive

or is it just because I am fake. I try to please people too much sometimes, maybe most of the time.

Arhat month begins tomorrow

19/May/2008 and ends on 19/June/2008
My semester exam begins on 6/June/2008 and ends on 20/June/2008.

Weekly reports to follow.
Let the way of the arhat begin.

LOL I found something funny too because while typing this post the word arhat is underlined in a wavy red line, and as you know, this mean it's not in the Microsoft dictionary

Then I typed the word jesus, appeared in a red wavy line and I right clicked to see if the correct word is jesus (with a capital J), but there's only jess and jests.

Then I typed the word buddha, also underlined in a red wavy line. But when I right clicked, there is the word Buddha with a capital B.

Then I thought "that's weird". So I googled Bill Gates' religion and found out that he's an aethist! LoL it's probably not on purpose but what a coincidence haha.

ATTENTION: NOT INTENDING to put down any religion or teaching here! so don't get all sensitive on me for my shallow mind alright. THANK YOU

1st video blog?

2008-05-04T00:22:00.001+08:00

Warning. Don't watch this if religion is a sensitive issue to you.

I belittle ugly people

2008-04-19T00:55:00.003+08:00

That's another flaw.
When I see people who are fat or ugly I immediately belittle them in my mind. Well not only ugly, even people who are just slightly not so good looking, I already look down on them. I think they aren't that intelligent, aren't that smart, aren't that hardworking etc etc. But in most cases they are better at everything than me.

When I see a guy wearing his pants up to his hips, wearing and ugly shirt my mind will say "damn nerd man..."

and from that "damn nerd man..." my mind will then think "I'm cooler than him", and that leads to ego.

see how shallow my mind is?

And this happens really frequently because when I'm young, people tell me I'm cute etc. etc. and then this really gave me a bad ego boost, and I think I'm very good looking like that. So it's kind of embedded in my brain that I'm good looking than most people.

*as a matter of fact, I'm not*

So when I go to uni and see some engineering nerd walk past, I'll just think I'm BETTER because I THINK that I'm BETTER LOOKING. *shallow mind*. If I can totally stop belittling others, that will be a great achievement for me.

now quite tired, just finish washing lots of cloth for tomorrow's battle.

And hooked on this song recently, the story of the lyrics almost brought me to tears. here, have a listen. And have a good day...

Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

what would you do....

2008-04-16T11:24:00.002+08:00

I went into my brother's room and saw this rat that the maid is trying to trap for few days and finally got it. When I entered to take this picture, it moved and tried to escape from the sticky mess. I got close with the camera and zoomed in, it moved some more and squealed. I don't want it to get killed, but what can I do...

Progress Report Day 6 & 7. Conclusion

2008-04-15T04:18:00.002+08:00

It's been a week since I started to attempt to live the arhat way. Well I didn't set strict rules, just meditation, no pleasing of sensual desires and no procrastination.

Towards the end of the week, I felt lazier and didn't have the motivation to continue, one reason is because I haven't been meditating routinely. On day 6 I didn't meditate, at night I procrastinated.

second reason is because I tell my self that the end is near and I can finally have freedom. So I slacked, and the result was, I didn't follow my study schedule because of procrastinating on the night of day 6.

Today is day 7, I woke up late because I slept late at day 6 (about 5.00 am), so I missed lecture, when I came home I browsed forums for two hours. I noticed that my mind wasn't so disarrayed before browsing, but after browsing, my mind feels very heavy, because of reading other people's opinion and information. My mind has also become quite uncontrollable and have a very slight headache where I can feel my heartbeat in my head(I think you've experienced this before). And then on one of the site I visited, had a picture of a hot foxy woman with voluptuous cleavage. It pitched a tent in my pants and this drove my desire to tame the slithering anaconda. After two hours of forum browsing, I feel so idle.

I think forum browsing is like watching TV, where you just observe, watch and listen, you don't have to think or put in your part, then your mind starts to get idle, and it is hard to get back up again because it just stays there.

So my mind is idle, my body is lazy, I lied on the bed, wanting to sleep, although knowingly that I already have enough sleep. Then because my coming two weeks will be quite packed to catch up with my studies after a late assignment submission and detailing over the weekend. So I tried to force myself to study by just sitting on the chair and opening my book. I read the first sentence, I didn't get what it say, and I scan through the words again, but my mind is not on par with what my eyes are looking at.

My mind strays to the picture of the voluptuous woman, making me want more to clean my tubes and empty the sack. And then, no, this is arhat week, I tried to close my eyes and control my breathing, but it's not working, I want to meditate but the thought of doing i makes me feel lazy.

I went against my will and sat down on the floor, cross legged, one leg on top of my knee, in the full lotus position (thanks for the illustration posted on your blog Footiam!). Closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing, my heart was beating very fast, my desire to wank, to listen to music to watch a movie is very strong because I know the end is near and freedom is near.

10 minutes past, thoughts soften, breathing slower. another 5 minutes past, my mind is empty, no more thoughts, not thinking about what I've read or do or what I am going to do. Just focusing on my breathing, the mind is calm, the mind is steady.

I continue.

I didn't keep track of the time, but when I decided to stop meditating, I opened my eyes, and felt an inner sense of peace, I sit there and stare blankly into space. My sexual and sensual desires are gone. I go to my desk and do what I am supposed to do. The thought of wanting to wank or listen to music or watch videos did not disturb me. I am at peace.

This is true freedom, freedom from desires and the freedom from suffering.

It's now 4.37am, and my arhat week is finished, and remember last time I said, I wondered if it would be harder or easier to control my desires by the end of the week. I would say a 150% that it's definitely easier. I will continue this, well not too strictly, I will still keep up with the meditating and no videos or games, maybe just once in a blue moon.

But I have also identified that when the mind starts to get idle, it's difficult to climb back up and meditation is the answer. I think meditation should not only be practiced by Buddhists but by everyone regardless of religion. Christians pray, maybe the form of them saying their prayers and thanking Jesus is also a form of meditation/chanting, which helps them feel appreciative and aware of their surroundings. Maybe different religions have their ways of teaching on how to focus the mind? I dunno...

Now maybe can let myself to listen to music in the car, because my friends have to 'suffer' the quietness when they sit in the car because I don't let them on the radio, hahaha.

Progress Report Day 5

2008-04-13T20:36:00.002+08:00

Didn't have time today also, when wake up straight away bath get ready and off to this team of guys' house. They service and do anything that has to be done in the engine bay. So they are overhauling this car and asked me to help them detail it.

But I did make one mistake in the morning, a monk (don't know real or fake) came in when the gates are open, under peer pressure I just ignored him because in society people will just tell them off.

What I should have done was put my palms together at chest level, bowed to him and offer him some money for food because monks cannot take what is not given(one of the Buddhist precepts). Not react under peer pressure and just ignore him. Now I wonder how far he has to walk and ask before he can ask money for his lunch...damn. Doesn't matter he is fake or not, although my dad did tell me not to give any money to people wearing robes etc. etc. because they are all fake.

But one of my mentors during pre-u said that, doesn't matter they are fake or not, as long as you gave, if they are true then you have benefited them greatly, if they are fake, then just let them be, it's not causing you a major detriment.

ish, feel so regret now that I ignored that monk, if he was true he is a much higher level than me and I should have greatly respected him, I've failed as a Buddhist today. :(

Progress Report Day 4

2008-04-12T01:16:00.002+08:00

aih, didn't have the time to meditate again. While at McD just now, accidentally played handphone game. and then had ill will again because one of my friends was asking another friend so many questions, like what aoub this and that this that, this one how, this leh, oh can like that one ah.

in my mind already thinking "stupid, go back study yourself lah"... Then I caught that thought in my mind and reflected that I should strengthen equanamity so I don't belittle others in my mind.

I find that if I don't meditate in the morning or anytime during the day, I do let my thoughts stray a bit and lose concentration. But if I meditate in the morning, will have concentration until somewhere in the afternoon then my mind starts to stray and have to meditate again to regain constant concentration and focus. then in the evening it will run out.

Tomorrow will have to be somewhere at 8am, hopefully can wake up and get ready and got time to meditate.

Meditate on the mindfulness of breathing for concentration and loving-kindness meditation to develop good values. Haven't done loving-kindness meditation before.

hmm

Progress Report Day 3

2008-04-10T13:21:00.005+08:00

6.00 am: still doing my assignment and have to get ready to go to uni, no time to meditate, so i didn't

12.30pm: bloody finished my assignment, so relieved and handed it in. Been trying to avoid games, TV and music altogether. On day one had a strong urge to listen to Dixie Chicks-Travelling Soldier, then tried to control and not open winamp, slowly now my desire to listen to it has weakened.

12.51pm: After handing in my assignment, I had free time, although I have 3 weeks of reading to catch up with, I didn't bring my books to read, so have to wait till 4pm until lecture starts. Was thinking to go Sunway Pyramid to have lunch after seeing some Wendy's advertisements on lampposts along the way. And then play Initial D4 later on. But then no games allowed...so I'm in my uni library typing this. I would go home and skip my lecture but have to fetch neighbour home later, which I don't mind really(coz neighbour's a she haha).

1.25pm: haven't eat breakfast or lunch, waiting for cafeteria to get empty so I can slowly enjoy my temporary freedom. Now just sitting here....oh yaya let me tell u a story. I was doing my assignment in the library right, and then I needed to pee so I went to the toilet(you don't say...) So went inside the cubicle, unzipped my pants, pulled out my *you don't wanna hear the rest I think*, and then came out from the cubicle, as I was tightening my belt, this arabian/pakistani girl came in, she quickly ran and kneel infront of me with her head facing my...
Nolah kidding, but a girl did came in and then she looked at me and was like "ehhhhh...OH SORRY SORRY" then quickly went out , haha I was laughing to myself while I washed my hands, then when I came out of the toilet she was telling ehr friend that she entered the boys' toilet. LoL, I also kinda laughed and told them

"Luckily I was using the cubicle"

hahaha I made a joke to a stranger o.o . yeah get it? coz if was using the wall urinal thingy she would've seen a male peeing in action(and probably my gargantua anaconda), hahaha. yeah so her friend laughed abit and then I just walked off, laughing still in my head. K nothing else to say (as of 1.39pm), will meditate when I get home after a shower. Trying not to fulfill my sensual desires....i don't know if it will get harder or easier by the end of the week.

oh I just found out that a few days ago Buddhists don't believe in God(the creator of all things)
here's what buddhism says about god
http://www.parami.org/buddhistanswers/what_about_god.htm

I'm also ithcing to get this racing steering wheel(RM320)
http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/gaming/pc_gaming/wheels/devices/320&cl=us,en

but that's a waste of money only to fulfill my sensual desires, so I shouldn't get that. But I wanna use it to play my F1 game~~~~~~~~

Arhat...control and tame the monkey mind......

7.40pm: send bro to tuition
8.00pm: park car nearby, sleep
9.30pm: fetch bro home
10.00pm: sleep, too tired to update. Although I would say that I did had quite alot of ill will when I was talking to my friends in Uni. bye. zzz

Progress Report Day 2

2008-04-09T07:38:00.007+08:00

7.39am: Went to youtube kind off automatically, then closed the browser before the video loaded. And got ill wil when I fetch my bro to school, because when I reach there my sis got down and he still tying the shoes in the car, then ask for allowance then complain about the school got spot check and he needs to buy a belt. I was like "Why early early never buy, now only complain, STUPID". Then when he got off the car he leg kena my door jamb panel, making it come out, then in my mind lah "mahai.....fucking dumb"....but I just calmly said "never mind just throw back inside". Still because I thought those thoughts......I still have ill will.

9.00am: bath and meditate, noticed that I can focus and get into a slow breathing state faster than yesterday

10.30am: so I was doing my overdue assignment right, and then wondering how much marks I will get penalized for being erm 3 days late. I E-mailed the lecturer, and this is how the e-mailing went.

arranged in chronological order

Dear Dr. Michael Yap,
>
> May I know how many percentage points or
 marks will be deducted from
> my
> total marks if my submission for ECW3301
assignment is tomorrow on
> April
> 10th 2008. The submission date was April
7th 2008.
>
> Thank You
> Sincerely yours,
>
> Tang Chee Fei (20222033)


I have posted up the notice that there will
 be no collection after 8
> April
> 2008. I have extended the deadline from
 the original date by 3 days.
> You
> should have submitted by now.


*by this time I was like WTFFFFF! cause if not mistaken
if I fail the assignment,
straight away will fail the whole course, means I will
have to re-take again, and
I was like regretting like alot. oh man oh man
what did you get yourself into again Kenneth.....So I
hit the compose button lor,
and then thinking what to type, during that time...he
posted me another e-mail*

You can still submit but there will be a penalty.

*but I didn't see it coz I was still thinking what to
write to him as an appeal*

Dear Dr. Michael Yap

I understand the situation and fully accept my
irresponsibility.
Is there any way that I can appeal for a submission
tomorrow?
I will highly appreciate your sympathetic kindness
if I can have a second
chance.
I will have to discontinue this unit if I don't.

Thank you very much.

*as you can see at this point I'm pretty much
DESPERATE , then I went back to
inbox and saw his second reply and was like..
eh?? so fast reply? huh?,then he
send another e-mail*

Please see my latest e-mail to you.

*means, I CAN HAND IN TOMORROW!!! FUYWAAAH
saved Rm2,750!!!* frigging 'insaf'
and then straight away do my assignment and
in the evening fetch brother and
sister go tuition thencome home, do till
next morning and go to uni

12:00 midnight, at this time in McD with
some friends for our study session,
I was there to read up for my assignment
til the next morning.

Next post...

Progress Report Day 1

2008-04-08T11:43:00.004+08:00

I started at 9.35 am after finish meditating, straight to my books, and then have to do assignment, so switched on the computer.
Now finding it really hard to resist, procrastinated a bit by visiting Buddhism sites, izso's blog, and checking e-mail. Thinking of unplugging the LAN cable, but scared later customer email then have to reply. So must really have the concentration/focus/will-power.

4.30pm : concentration ran out, so meditated for 15 minutes, and then read newspaper for about an hour! argh. Come back to computer, visited one forum and one blog. Finding it really hard to resist to play on round of Formula1 game.

6.57pm: Barely progressed with my overdue assignment.

12 midnight: Bad, major procrastination because I put detailing as one of the things I can do, I forgot to put study related stuff, currently assignment as my top priority, so I allowed myself to do the detailing stff thinking "hey this isn't procrastinating" but...doom

Kenneth Week.

2008-04-08T08:24:00.003+08:00

This week is my week.

I resolve to do the following and will report every day what I do for a week.

1) Meditate every morning for at least 20 minutes.

2) Don’t do anything to fulfill my sensual desires, like:

Watching TV(or YouTube and the likes),
Listening to music(or radio, in the car or at home),
Playing games(at home, mobilephone or CyberCafes),
Excessive forum browsing(Automotive or detailing, only browse those that relate to what I have to do),
Don’t be picky about the food I eat.
Masturbating (or watching porn)

3) No procrastination, everything I do has to be either:

Studying or anything related

Detailing or anything related like arranging appointments, contacting customers

Fulfilling my responsibility as a brother like fetching siblings around or helping them with things that need to be done.

4) Through meditating, I can better control what my mind thinks and isolate the things that I don’t want to think, for example, ill will or egoistical thinking[Like don't feel proud when people compliment me or my work, which is something that I often do(feeling proud)]

Let the way of the Arhat begin.

cream of crop

2008-03-27T05:14:00.004+08:00

Here's my cream of crop theory on girls and guys. I define a girl who's the cream of crop to have nearly everything, looks, personality, character. This girl is very attractive and surely, many guys will go after her. She of course has a choice to make, to see among the guys going after her, which one she will choose or say, fall for, or get attracted to. And of all these guys that she has the privilege choose from, I'm sure she will also choose the cream of crop guy, one who has the looks the personality and all that.

So what if you, a guy who is not cream of crop, likes a cream of crop girl, but may also be contending with a cream of crop guy? No chance at all? I think it really depends on the personality, looks not really that much, but what type of person that guy really is counts more.

In my case, maybe got a little little bit of looks la, but as a person, FAIL.
I know many other guys who are way better than me in terms of, list together with me ya.

Selflessness, yes I know who.

Humour, yes I know a few.

Macho-ness/male essence, oh a lot.

Committed , yes, I'm not very committed.

Looks, ABUNDANT.

Attractiveness, to the girl la, I'm not gay, but don't think I'm attractive either.

Can give the girl a sense of security, alot I know, myself feel insecure, lagi cannot give girl security.

Hardworking, many, I'm lazy like shit, no worse then shit. Shit can slide down the toilet bowl, I'm as lazy and stagnant as a a rock.

Intelligence, most, I'm not the wisest guy around.

The point is, I know many guys who are better than me in almost every single way. So what's the solution to this dilemma? Don't go for a cream of crop girl.

And there's another one of my problem, I fall for girls tooo easily, they talk to me for 10 minutes with their long eyelashes fluttering, those sexy lips pouting when they want to act annoyed, laughing, and then in my mind goes something like

"wow, I wanna get together with this girl"

seriously, it does happen to me, and quite alot too.

yeah so normally cream of crop girls will normally get with a cream of crop guy. The cream of crop guy may not have the looks, but among all the bad looking guys going after this cream of crop girl, the cream of crop guy may have the greatest personality, so yeah. badaboom cream of crop girl and guy, tadah, success.

Sorry for my lame thinking, it's five thirty in the morning and I don't want to sleep because I have to send my sis to school at 6.45am.

So let's talk crap.

See this style of writing is weird, it's like I'm trying to attract attention, which is why I'm not being a very concentrated person right now. I'm not reflecting what's inside of me, rather, what's on the surface.

bullshit.

what?

I tried meditating for two mornings the past two days. First day managed 15 minutes, and 2nd day 30 minutes. But that is not the goal, I tell you is freaking hard. Okay so what I do is sit crossed legged, with my right leg on top of my left. And the back of my hands on my knee and I sit up straight, I close my eyes, regulate my breathing and try to imagine a blue disc.

So the purpose of my meditation is to empty my mind and to think about focus on the blue disc itself. JUST the blue disc, NOTHING else.

And it's really really difficult, My room is quiet and yet my mind jumps here and there, thinking this and that, when I do manage to focus for a few seconds, I feel my mind is at ease and really relaxed, then I start thinking about other stuff, then focus back, in less than a second, the blue disc pops into another image. real difficult, and monks are supposed to be able to meditate in public, with the distractions around them, they are able to focus they're mind and remain clam the whole time. That'll be my goal.

and now switching off Buddhism mode and turn on materialistic mode.

NATALIE FONG!
I don't buy Hypertune anymore, but while browsing the car mags looking for the latest issue of Autocar, I saw her being featured, and I immediately bought the mag.

look at that,

dressed like that and pouting her lips like that, NOSE BLEED!!!!

but no, this is not my idea of a cream of crop girl.

someone like her is,

please don't food poisoning again.

2008-03-17T04:13:00.002+08:00

Just came back from study and ta kei (play game/cyber cafe) was studying at mcd's bought tea and banana pie, didn't eat the pie, tea still got some left, so left both in the acr while I played my game. cmoe back, yes still got tea since I'm thirsty, drinked it all up, then Don beside me said eh got cockroach!

where?

it was at the banana pie! so I squished it(sorry you ate my pie), and threw it out together with the pie. Then a minute later I said, "fuck what if the cockroach thirsty after eating the pie he go and drink my tea how??"

"hailat di, food poisoning"

"fuck not again please don't"

fast forward 45 minutes to now(4.18am), I feel lumps in my throat and my stomach gurgling, same symptoms as I have last time and vomit like .... I don't even want to describe it.

In other news, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. How true.

please don't food poisoning please please please...

patience deficit

2008-03-15T07:54:00.002+08:00

wa lau wei my grandmother. This morning I woke up to fetch my sis to a driving school, then suddenly my grandmother follow. I ask, you follow for what? She said, go 'tok cham'(acupuncture) mah! I where got say got fetch you worr???

Yesterday you ask your father want to go or not because you going to fetch your sister anyway what. Yalah but I didn't say fetch you also! Then she say nvm she follow me into the car, don't want the maid to look down on her. ???.

*why I didn't want to fetch her- which was my mistake*
Because last night slept at around 5am coz go play games with friends. Then I thought just drop my sister then can come home sleep. Mahai not drive you all the way to jalan gasing, and then while you inside doing your acupuncture I do cock in the car and wait for you, and then fetch you home and then only get to sleep. But fucking sohai last night never say fetch her also. I ask my dad want me to fetch him only what, she go and assume that I can fetch, wtf.

*continue*
so sit in my car and she begin her emo-anger-sad-ranting session, things like you all got car you all very big lah. I want to buy my own car, you all don't let me drive. Last time when your daddy's business bad I give him my money, if I didn't give, you can drive your own car meh? you can live in a big house meh? cannot right? Everyone treat me like that one, like I'm a ghost like that. Only your father sympathize me one. Then after I drop my sister and then I decide to just send her there lah, don't want to listen to her fucking nonsense. AND THEN, she said don't want coz, you all want to action right, I action back at you all lah.

"We go there ah?"

"I say don't want already, want to talk so many times for what"

Niasing, just now complain like fuck now fucking say don't want. Fucking loose cibai.
I know, what a Buddhist should do, I didn't.

My big ego,
my want face attitude,
my kiasu behaviour

all made me don't want to do the things I'm supposed to do, so we went home. I've said before I'm impatient in normal times, and patient in times of conflict, this is an example of time of conflict, but My patience capacity with her has long run into a deficit already, mainly because of

1) I'm fucking critical, so is my grandfather, any small flaw she has my grandfather magnify and amplify and tell me.
2) She little bit thing damn proud. That's why she ask me drink her soup or eat anything I don't want to eat or take, coz if I did, when she emo she will say things like f I didn't boil the soup for you, you will have energy meh??? You didn't ask me to make the soup want you know, I make it for myself but give some to you one you know. MACHOWHAI I don't want to drink one lor, now you say you boil the soup for yourself but give some to me to drink.

This morning I might have raised my voice a bit at her. And a few times before this, coz for few weeks everytime I see her, or her name appearing on my handphone I will begin to hate already. Because me is to do one of the following:

1) Send her go bank
2) Send her go acupuncture
3) Send her check eye
4) Send her to general hospital
5) Buy things for her
6) Send her/fetch back from dad's office
7) Send her to uncle's house in Puchong
8) Ask me drink her fucking soups which I always fucking don't like and she will say "okaylah don't like next time I don't make, okay" but everytime she will make.
9) or some other thing.

But then it struck me when she said,

"If you shout and raise your voice to me like that, next time your wife would hate you"

and then,it repeated in my mind, and I begin to imagine a girl that I might fall for hating me. I cannot bear the imagination.

There are many types of people in this world, and I know three people who are of the same type. All of them are men, and one of them is me.

My type of guys are very egoistic, kiasu and want face, as stated above. They cannot lose, they are attention-seekers, they want people to think they are great, they feed on this attention and they feel proud and will think greatly of themselves about it, they look down on others, they think others are not capable. I don't want to grow up to be that guy.

I'm sorry. From today onwards, Buddha, I resolve to you, that I will obey all buddhist teachings, practices and obervances when communicating with my grandmother.

To have no anger, only patience in my thought and speech.
To have no ignorance, only wisdom and see things the way they are and not be clouded by emotions which will diffuse proper judgement.

I will respect her as my grandmother and that she cared for me while I was young and I should care for her now, until she isn't in this world anymore.

To ease her suffering instead of contributing to it.

If I do not perform what I have just said, punish me.

Plain white rice

2008-03-15T04:41:00.002+08:00

You know today, I was rushing to uni to prepare for a group presentation. I knew I had a busy day ahead because after that I will have to review and then plan the times for my group and another partner to get together next week. As I am running the things that I will do through my head, one included what was I going to have for lunch, I saw the picture of the Mayo Chicken Chop rice which I wanted to try but always finish by 2pm, so I'm imagining the sweetness of the Mayo and the crispiness of the chicken. And then after I'm done I would want to go to Sunway Pyramid and spend 10 bucks on initial D ver. 4 because it's very very very fun. So I reach the parking lot, which was almost full, and had to park quite far away from the entrance to the university.

I get down from my car and walk cheerily to the entrance, on the way there I saw one of the cleaning lady that's responsible for cleaning the outside of the campus sitting near a pillar eating her lunch, she was wearing a large straw hat, so if I was next to her , she can't see me because of the hat. Out of curiosity, I looked into her blue container to see what she was eating. I saw alot of rice, and then trying to find if there was any fish, chicken, vegetables. What I saw was at the corner of the square container filled with rice, was some sambal, which was less than a quarter teaspoon. You can barely see the sambal, just the colour colouring the rice around it.

And then I suddenly felt sorry for her, I was thinking of eating some delicious lunch and then going to the arcade to have fun, all to satisfy my sensual desires, but she is eating just rice for lunch. It's hard to imagine being her, sweeping the leaves to a side, seeing students drive their cars and parking them in the parking lot, getting down from their car dressed to impress, wearing expensive gadgets and jewelry. Going to hang out with friends, having delicous food, anything that they wish to have. And she is just having plain white rice. Everyday. Sometimes I see people like this, for example, someone picking up cans from dustbins and drains, I feel like giving them money, but I don't know if I would insult them and indirectly telling them that

"hey you are not capable of earning money, here take some money"

or that's just the way my small mind thinks. I feel like bringing that cleaning lady on a date, and then buying her a delicious lunch, and make her feel appreciated. But I don't have the guts.

sigh. Sad.

What I need to be doing

2008-03-11T21:53:00.002+08:00

IS meditating to improve my concentration because every time I sit in lectures my mind would wander off to one thing and then to another and then to another, before I knew it I didn’t know what the lecturer said for the past four to five slides.

I also need to reduce my ego. Why do I have a big ego, well I think I’m too soft compared to other normal guys, so recently, or probably for the past month or so, I have been impatient, angry, critical everything that a Buddhist isn’t. I thought that if I become all this, I would be a more regular guy who has ego. But it isn’t very wholesome because instead of helping and benefiting others who are in my circle. I draw a circle of people around me and push them out of my circle. Yes thaaaat’s me.

And also what keeps me from going for another girl is because I am not like the average guy. I hold grudges, I am critical. If I hate you, then I will probably hate you for a very very long time, and I won’t speak to you. I’ve been known to betray friends, to forget my relationships with them. I just don’t appreciate or love people. Okay anyway back to the point, because if I went for this girl for example, and it fails, for some I don’t know many reasons that I am, I would probably hate or dislike or resent her, A LOT. Even though it’s not her fault or anything or it’s bad timing or something like that, I would hold the grudge and would keep it inside me, burning. And because of this any relationship with the girl I had before would be destroyed, in my eyes. SO I don’t want to destroy any relationships which is why I’m forcing myself not to like/infatuate/fall in love with anyone, I know this sounds gay. And another problem is, I infatuate girls too easily. I can meet them for the first time and then they laugh and then I like them. WHAT? Yeah I’m weird.

I haven’t been controlling my anger much lately and just rather let it blow off at full force. BOOM. I find myself hard to forgive people, like my grandpa, he has little friends, he doesn’t go out with others much, if he does it’s probably young successful people only and they will call him uncle and respect him and he likes that because it builds his ego. I’m like that. I sometimes choose my friends. My grandpa if someone has offended him he would forget about that guy. AN example is one of my friend did a little mistake, which in my eyes ISN’T at all, and he said “These people ah, you can forget about them” then I said just because of small little things you want to destroy a relationship. In my head thinking, that’s why you don’t have any friends.

Another thing why I don’t update too frequently is because when I type a good post or something (although it isn’t but I always think it is, EGO mah) people comment and then I get egoistic. Then I start to become unnatural and think that I have people(note I didn’t use the words friend) bowing at my feet. See how corrupted and evil my mind is, can you see how my small mind thinks.

Oh another evil thought. Last week my university had an HIV exhibition called One Life, what you do is you wear a pair of ehadphones connected to an mp3 player, they will play a file, and then you listen and follow the directions, the purpose is so that you can live their life, as you walk through curtains you will go from one scenario to the other, and you listen to their sad stories finally you will reach a wall of hope where anyone can write words of encouragement and support and post it onto the wall, before I wrote mine I read some on the wall, and they are talking talking about Christ this Jesus loves you this that and I was thinking (Corrupted thought begins now), if you are a Christian why don’t you ask them to die faster so they can be in Heaven eternally and don’t need to suffer the discrimination from other people because they are HIV positive. Daniel Yap is probably gonna counter me with a comment, hehe (I’m waiting).

So I wrote my words on a piece of paper as well, it’s encouraging, it’s actually pretty stupid and me trying to show off my Buddhist knowledge(or the lack of) because I said something like “Although it is known to Buddhists that suffering is a fact of life, what you are going through is (forget already) then bla bla bla rebirth bla bla bla STAY STRONG!” -.-

What I should be doing is to do my work, I wrote what I’m suppose to do in an ORGANIZER (fuiyoh organizer), but then never follow, always like this plan already but then don’t stick to it. I need to be studying and preparing for my group presentation instead of writing this post. Okay that’s all the thoughts I have in my small, wretched mind at the moment.

Oh yeah let me tel you a story.

This is my (are you ready), mother's mother's sister a.k.a my mother's side grandmother's sister. And both of them, my my mother's side grandmother and her sister are married to the same man. The story is this, first he married her (picture above) first, as they were very poor last time they sleep in the same house, which I imagine is small and dark. And you know when male and female are in the dark together, testosterone and progesterone levels may increase and then my mother's side grandfather, had sex with my mother's side grandmother(i.e the sister of the lady pictured above), and then got pregnant, and had to marry, so in other words, my mother's side grandmother is married to her brother-in-law,

or you can also say, I am an incest produce.

hahaha funny anot (it's real btw)

Proton Saga boot space TV ad

2008-02-04T01:01:00.000+08:00

http://paultan.org/archives/2008/02/03/video-proton-saga-tvc-boot-space/#more-5523

haha so funny, I watch so many times.
Next time I can carry 56 durians liao hahaha.

well tired

2008-01-28T12:29:00.000+08:00

my arms are weak, my legs are weak.
I detailed three cars in a week! And two of them want me to correct their paint in a day! which I usually needed two days, so it's quite rushing, and two cars were back to back so as I finished in the afternoon, have to quickly hand wash all my cloths and then hang them to dry in my room and then straight away slept, with the smell of sweat and polish.
But I like to do this, I learn new things with every car done, often at times, I feel like quitting during mid-detail.
Then when the car is done, and I look at the car as a whole, man I'm sure not as hell quitting this.

detailing gets me high.

I've read somewhere,

"find something that you are good at, it makes you valuable"

I won't say I'm good at this but probably better a bit than average.

and then there is my sister's birthday

Happy birthday Wong Ge!

I coined the term wong ge because her name is yvonne, and if you say yvonne girl very fast repeatedly..it becomes

yvonne girl
yvonne girl
yiwong ge
yiwong ge
wong ge --TA DAAA, haha.

Oh and I seldom go to cybercafes anymore, but this fucking awesome game, makes it worth it. CALL OF DUTY 4! !!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!

There's a cyber cafe in Aman Suria called TBun, damn that is the place for COD4.
COD4 is the new cs.
but it's definately not like CS, cs's graphics are basic and you can't really use it to your advantage.
In CoD4 with it's quite heavy graphics, the game doesn't lag at all. You can go prone (lie down) on the grass and it's difficult for enemies to spot you, I did it a few times and they would just walk past me and then I stand up and sprint to them pressing v, which is the hotkey for a knife/melee attack. And of course failed miserably and I got shot down instead by someone behind me, LoL.

There's another mode called Sabotage, you start at one end of the map where the otehr team starts at the other end, there's a bomb in the middle, the team have to fight fro the bomb and bring it to the enemy's starting point to plant it there.

This mode was fucking on. You will be busy typing stuff to your team.

Bomber's will say I got the bomb, clear right for me. Other's will say some flank left.

damn this shit is BETTER THAN MASTURBATING(well many things are, I'm sick so it applies more heavily towards me, har har), I kid you not, go try the game at aman suria at night during weekends, weekdays also got ppl.

So now one more week till my final exam for my summer course. Haven't studied anything for about 3 weeks! @_@.... hope still can catch up.
I still need to arrange my appointments for February after CNY, and one in March.
And writing the process and uploading pictures for my customers to see.

phew.....tired like dog (and I'm not even working yet, how is a spoiled child to survive!)

...

2008-01-11T00:34:00.000+08:00

Randomly, I googled Leonardo da Vinci quotes.

here are a few that I like

Life well spent is long.
Leonardo da Vinci

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
Leonardo da Vinci

Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation... even so does inaction sap the vigour of the mind.
Leonardo da Vinci

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Flyboys, a movie about pilots in world war one. I like how they start showing them through training, and the main protagonists meets a girl, in the middle of war. Showing genuine love for her. The main protagonist, with the character name Rawling lost his parents, and have nobody. And then he meets her, which I believe is wonderful and gives his life a whole new meaning.

A quote from the movie,

"We've got to find our own meaning in this world"

I constantly asked myself about my purpose in life, at one point I thought I found it. I thought that, that person is my purpose, but I guess I'm too weak and lazy to hold on to it.

Anyway I have asked others about my own purpose, but now realize it is not correct. each one of us have our own purpose, our purpose in life is not something general which applies to everybody. Each person has his/her own unique purpose...

.. and I'm still finding mine.

Denial

2008-01-10T16:01:00.000+08:00

“I like your brother lah, he’s like cool you know”

“Yeah, that’s why I don’t like”

“?? Why?”

“Action, like fake. I’m also a bit like that, that’s why I don’t like myself”

“You noob lah you, you must learn to love yourself”

This is something like what Izso told me. He’d gone to a program where people learn to be a better person. And (I think I’ve posted about this before) people would talk about themselves and later on, whoever likes this person, go to him and tell him the reason, for Izso it was because they liked him because he is expressive(which would be my reason as well :P) and then the next is people who don’t really like would go to him and they would say the same reason also, because he is expressive.

So I told this to my brother which is something similar. My uncle likes him because he is kind of ‘cool’, which I don’t like because I think it’s fake. So for the same reason there are people who like you and people who don’t like you for it.

If you try to please everybody and be accepted by everybody, you’d probably just destroy yourself. Yeah and my brother knows that I don’t like him coz of that haha, but I told him I like him because he’s my brother. 

The problem with me is, I DON’T LIKE a whole lot of people, I am very critical. There are many people who I don’t like, which probable vice versa they won’t like me too.

And at the same time, there are also people who love each and everyone of us (I’m not talking about Jesus or Allah or what). People who love everybody, I envy them, and sometimes it makes me feel sick (I’m immature for thinking this way). I believe this is something I have to learn to do, to love everybody. If I don’t I’d probably end up a lonely and bitter old man.

I deny your love
Because I am selfish
I deny your kindness
Because I am self-centered
I deny you
Because I deny myself.

heh?

2008-01-08T01:15:00.001+08:00

Clear

2008-01-05T14:48:00.000+08:00

After driving down a certain road a few times and seeing a big black billboard of Korean superstar Rain with the caption “Saya guna CLEAR”(or something like that), I went ahead and bought it, trying something else than Head & Shoulders shampoo.

Since they got so much money to hire Rain to do their adverts, their shampoo must be good. And when I got home, only I read the back of the bottle,

Mwahaha, after I use this got confidence already, can get gf already, mwahaha.

And then I searched youtube if there are any adverts as well.

Fuishehh, if I use CLEAR, I will be as cool as Rain man, surely can get hot chicks, hot chicks, chabors, you know. So very happy bought this chick magnet shampoo, kekeke.

Autocar January 2008

goood issue, cover story is worth the ten bucks already and inside got comparison between the BMW 1 series coupe (which will be in M'sia in the 2nd quarter of 2008, source:Autocar), Nissan 350z and a Porsche Cayman.

Sigh, reading all the good stuff about all these expensive cars make me want to drive one, don't have to own one but drive one already can. Dream, this is materialistic lah but, I have to accept self-imperfections also I think. Better to have a goal than none.

Haven't been soul searching lately. Haven't been very productive either, haven't been a good friend or a good person. Have been very selfish lately.
I also watched Death at a Funeral and one part of the show the daughter said to his old father, "If you don't sort out your attitude, you will be a lonely bitter man". Which makes me think of this and I think it applies to me.

I guess I can say I have friends, but none are like super close. Maybe that's what wives are for.

hmmm, anyway pointless post.

oh, Happy New year!

Night driving video

2008-01-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

hehehe

It's not fast, 13" wheels and botak Ducaro GA. Old 4G13 that eats engine oil. Lots of white smoke, but I enjoy it... mwahaha.

Oh noooo...

2007-12-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

So I was flipping through today’s Star newspaper, and came across an article about singles.

Start Flashback

I’m driving at night alone to Domino’s Pizza to buy Pizza(obviously). On the way there I mentally decided to give up on my love-life, it’s bad experience one after another. Every time I like someone, it would just turn out bad. And I would hate those moments, even when nothing started.

So I’ve mentally decided that I wouldn’t care, wouldn’t give a damn anymore. Just be a bachelor for the rest of my life.

End flashback

The article talks about singles having perks during festive season where they could do what they want, go where they want whenever they want because of the freedom they get, although there are times where they might be lonely. Then came across this,

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a book! You can’t bring a book out to the movies, you can’t kiss the book, the book does not give you back warmth when you hold it. Noo……

And then below the short article is this

Single men and women gather together for a speed dating thing.

Some of them look so old. Noooooooooo, I don’t want to get old and be alone and decide it’s time to discover my other half. Which then brings me to a singles gathering so I can hold a random woman’s hand, NOOOOOooooo. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, yet, my very imperfect self is searching for a very perfect person, which is unrealistic.

You gotta know how to play the game, but that’s being fake, if being fake can bring me someone then I don’t want that. But if I’m true to myself, the only people I can attract are those with balls and penises. Noooo…. I can see myself in the future.

When I move out of my house, I will buy a bed fit for two, a dining table fit for two, a couch fit for two… but I would sleep on one side of the bed staring at the empty space beside me, imagining, wishing, hoping for the one to be there.

But please don’t let it be a book.

I know what my problem is

2007-12-22T07:21:00.000+08:00

I am a selfish bad friend. I only care about myself, really. I care about what I want to watch, what I like but never about what people like.
When they go “This show is damn nice”.
I just go, “yalor yalor, haha it is very nice”

Fake shit!

Just agree with them. But I think, despite how much I hate fake people or being fake, I have to be fake. My friend tells me, don’t have to be fake, just be friendly. I think I have to be fake to be friendly because I don’t genuinely care about what the hell others think or want.

They like this and want that, I just laugh abit, give a smile and agree agree, and then I think they like me for that and then ego kicks in. woohooo, sohai meh….

So yeah, the next time I’m friendly at you, I am fake, because naturally, I am critical, quite hard to change but reduce lah, but I am, what I am…I think.

So next time if you tell me you like Bleach,
I will go “yeah yeah, Bleach, a lot of my friends also watch it”
In my mind I will be thinking, ‘sohai me, idiots watch anime lah’ (Just an example, I’m currently downloading 11.7GB/67 episodes of Yakitate Ja-Pan, in love with this anime because the main character is verry optimistic, honest and confident, everything I am not, hahaha)

So yeah, now it’s 7.07 am, haven’t sleep was out for family dinner, and then re-union dinner with college mates and then mamak and then to someone’s house and chat till 5.30am (About girls, men’s virginity, masturbation, and you know…boy’s talk, haven’t had these in a while, my other uni mates are all straight and proper, BORING), now trying not to sleep so I can go jogging later to wake up my brain. Past two days have been uber unproductive

SORRY Daniel Yap! I thought I not going to the dinner one coz I got family dinner, in the end I went there, late, so I didn’t call, Sue Anne wanted to call. It’s my responsibility to call sooo sorry didn’t call you. I belanja you 3 hours of Battlefield 2142 ok??

Yah past two days have been super unproductive because of my computer, the PROCRASTINATING MACHINE.

Serious shit, I wake up, sit in front of computer, didn’t even brush teeth, so many thigns to do on the com.

1) Check forums, which I have plenty of, detailing forums, one automotive forum. Check detailing sites for new products. Forums easily 2.5 hours.

2) Games, Battlefield 2142, I’m just dying to play this game with lotsa real players. This can easily fill up 2 hours of my day.

3) YOUTUBE. This cibai site is the procrastinator’s homepage man. I go there only don’t expect to see anything, in the end click on related videos watch click watch click watch click, then think of things to search and watch. One was Kelly Clarkson’s American Idol Final performance of A Moment Like This, goosebumps man…. Ya, plentiful of stuff, on YouTube, this one EASILY 1-6 hours. 1 hour pass then you think, aiyah one more video won’t hurt, then another and another, and it all adds up. It’s 3pm, aiyah one more video and I will do my work, 3.15pm, aiyah 15 minutes only, another video, by the time you start getting tired, it’s already 11pm and you feel sleepy already, your brain is dead from all the inactivity and you don’t feel like studying.

4) TV shows(Torrents). So it’s 11pm, I decide to go to sleep so I can wake up early tomorrow, but wait what’s on my folder of downloaded videos from torrents. Geee, A few movies, Kitchen Nightmares, Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, Top Gear… So open one and watch lor, in the end watched again one full episode of Kitchen Nightmares(Campania episode rocks), and then open some Grey’s anatomy, boring, change to Top Gear, see some cars power sliding around, then 1am already. Then aiyah play “A BIT” of BF2142 lah, 1 hour gone, 2am.

Then only go sleep, I have to be the MOST unproductive guy on earth. I think I will be a very lousy boyfriend. Now procrastinated for 3 days and skip two days of class suppose to study to catch up during this period. Okay! 7.20am, the day is bright, wash face go jog! Right after listening to the Opening song of Yakitate Ja-Pan. Sing along to the song! Lyrics are below the video, hehe.

dokoka touku de mimi wo sumashiteru hito ga iru
arayuru basho de sora wo miageteru hito ga iru
yozora no shita de kuchibue fuiteru bokutachi wa
kotoba mo nai mama yubi de tada seiza wo nazotteru

samugariya no yume tsumetai kimi no te
atatameru mahou wa hitotsu no michi wo shinjiru koto

houki gumo no mukou ni mitsuketa hitotsubu no hoshi wa
kagayaku hoshi demo kasukana hoshi demo
kimi dake no hikari

mune no kumo no mukou ni mienai mama no michishirube
saa kono te wo hiraite ima nani wo shinjimasu ka

Scrambled eggs

2007-12-19T15:42:00.000+08:00

After watching this,

I decided to give it a try.

Replaced the sourdough bread with French loaf and the big mushrooms with button mushrooms.

In the end, too much salt and chives. I put some cheddar cheese spread on the bread thinking scrambled eggs and cheddar cheese would create an explosion of flavour like in Ratatouille.

But was more like ugh, too salty, the mushrooms and tomatoes were great. Next time Just less salt in the eggs, less chives, slower heat, and nothing on the toasted bread.

I AM NOT THE BIGGER MAN

2007-12-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS KENNETH! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA STOP BEING A WUSS AND GROW UP FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU NO USE< SISSY WIMP!
GOD DAMN IT, THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE ALIVE.
THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE FECKING GAY.
YOU AIN’T MACHO, PPL WON’T LOOK UP TO YOU. DAMNNN

what do you do when your heart longs to be with someone whose heart already belongs to another

2007-12-14T11:32:00.000+08:00

There is no chance.

But I like to hope.

You are my purpose.

:)

hmmmm

2007-12-13T01:19:00.001+08:00

If Buddha and his teachings has compassion for all, then why does Hell exist? shouldn't we relieve them of their suffering too?

this will require further investigation....

2007-12-12T22:23:00.001+08:00

I want to tell you how I feel
but I can't because, I don't have the right to do so.
If I had, I would tell you that you are very special, and 'track 17'

I feel alive

2007-12-12T17:00:00.000+08:00

Woke up early today with you on my mind early in the morning. I wished u good morning, and then changed and went to Kiara park. Jogged 4 laps on the lower part of the park. Exhausted, took a walk on the hill to cool down, reflecting on myself, reminding myself that everything I do, I do it for you.

While I was walking back to my car I was thinking about the talents I would like to have.
One of them is cooking, thought wanna go cooking class, and after watching many episodes of hell’s kitchen, kitchen nightmares…. How hard could it be.

So searched online for a cheese omellete recipe and tried to cook it. Came out looking like a pile of shit, haha. Taste was okay, not enough mint leaves and don’t have cheesy flavour, but it’s edible.

One of my mission in operation to be a better man is to get a High Distinction for my business law(retaking) course this summer. So read and did the tutorial, and drew diagrams and such. Hopefully can keep persistence. Purpose; to prove to her that I am not a person who doesn’t care about education. To make myself worthy to be by your side.

So I arranged all my detailing contacts, washed my car, went jogging, finished my school work and I have extra time, oh yeah another one is to TOTALLY eliminate procrastination, I have free time, so kinda eliminating already. GOOD. Now if I can only call you to hear your voice, and let me tell you that I like u so very much….

Also while I was walking this morning, I answered a question that I’ve always wondered about, why do people always have enthusiasm? Many times I feel dead, I feel lost, my life isn’t worth living.

My answer to this is…I think..love. You are my inspiration, my motivation and my purpose. I have a purpose in life now, to make myself worthy to be by your side. And you are my purpose. And I hope I can live up to my words, which is, “I will wait….3-5 years”..I will wait….

Negaholicism

2007-12-09T21:40:00.000+08:00

From askmen.com

"I'm a confirmed negaholic. I don't just see a glass that's half full and call it half empty; I see a glass that's completely full and worry that someone's going to tip it over."
- Peter McWilliams

Are you a negaholic? A negaholic is someone who, consciously or not, consistently chooses to be negative. Negativity can become a habit that is difficult -- but not impossible -- to break.

And what if it's not your intention to be pessimistic? Being contrary, doubtful and wary might be ingrained in your character or you could be suffering from a neurological chemical imbalance.

brain strain

In a 2002 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, a condition called "negative affect" was defined as a "predisposition to anxiety, irrationality, anger, and a range of other unpleasant moods." Negative affect was said to be identified physiologically by increased brain activity in the prefrontal cortex. It's purported to be a permanent condition, but one that can be controlled.

When negativity is the direct consequence of the loss of a job, a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, it is considered a reactive mood disturbance and is generally a temporary condition.

Whether your negative thinking pattern is ingrained in your personality or stems from a specific event, it's characterized by physiological changes in your brain. The brain is composed of millions of neurons -- nerve cells that send and receive messages from the body using neurotransmitter chemicals. Such messages can be disrupted by a chemical imbalance.

There's no shame in seeking counseling or medical treatment to remedy a chemical imbalance and improve your quality of life. If pervasive feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy and an inability to function well persist for more than two weeks, they are considered to be symptomatic of clinical depression. Medication can help the brain regain control.

If your negative thinking patterns are the result of habit rather than a diagnosable medical condition, there are ways to counter them. Here are some tips on how to adopt a positive attitude.

shake negative thinking patterns

Identify your triggers
Become aware of when negative thoughts occur. Your thinking may become distorted when you're tired or hungry or when work pressures pile up. Monitoring your negative thinking patterns will help you identify what triggers them, enabling you to regain control.

Don't sabotage yourself
Expect and accept bumps in the road. Eliminate negative thoughts, recriminations and self-criticism. Don't dwell on past incidents -- learn from them and move on. Changing the way you view your world will allow you to see opportunities in obstacles.

Adopt coping strategies
Remember past slumps that inspired negative thoughts and remind yourself of how you got out of them. Some men find it helpful to keep a journal to navigate them through a rough patch until they regain their equilibrium. Even for a chronic negaholic or someone coping with depression, there's always hope. Focus on improving your self-esteem and confidence, and your attitude will become more positive.

Think before you speak
Force yourself to avoid saying anything negative for a few days. Think twice before talking and you'll become aware of your negative thought patterns. Some men find it helpful to visualize flipping a switch when a sarcastic or demeaning comment is about to spout or when defeatist self-deprecating talk creeps in. Create a new habit of becoming more accepting of others and yourself.

Seek out support
If your negative thought patterns seem to be rooted in a specific incident, talk with other people who have suffered through the same, whether it's losing a family member, a girlfriend or a job. A few counseling sessions with a qualified mental health professional could help you deal more effectively with life's problems and improve your outlook.

Get some perspective
Volunteer to help the less fortunate so you can reflect on the positives of your own life. We often become negative because we are impatient to get ahead, to increase our income and to improve our material wealth. Serving dinner at a homeless shelter can put things in focus.
Buddy up
Ask a trusted friend to point out when you're being negative. Create a signal so no one else can recognize his coaching. Act immediately to remedy the pessimistic thought or action by putting a more positive spin on a negative comment. It's all about transforming your attitude and creating new, healthier habits.

Ditch the whiners
Weed out negative people from your environment. They might be the ones giving you a negative attitude. Offer to identify when they are being contrary, and if they choose not to change, limit your exposure to them. Standing around the photocopier complaining about the boss is not good for your career or your attitude.

Refocus your mind
Find a hobby. Outside interests and regular exercise will boost beneficial chemicals to your brain. You may not think you have time for additional activities, but when you stop second-guessing your decisions, complaining about things beyond your control and feeling sorry for yourself, you'll have renewed energy.

Take stock
Recognize what's good in your life. Take an inventory of your strengths, talents and assets. Keep those positive thoughts foremost in your mind and the negative ones will not have an opportunity to take over.

Of course, you can't always talk yourself out of negativity. Never ignore symptoms that could signal a medical or mental health condition. There are meds that can help restore the chemical balance without adversely impacting your daily activities.

"In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy; to plow your anger and your energy into something positive."
- Lee lacocca

control your negativity
A certain amount of negativity is good. Anxiety helps you detect danger and assess risk factors in any situation. The important thing is to take control and focus on the positive. You can break negative thought patterns and you can get medical help for a chemical imbalance. Change your thinking and you can improve your mental health.

I am relieved....

2007-12-04T22:51:00.000+08:00

Although the result is not positive I faced my fear and had to press call and end call for four times before I finally let it ring.

The tone rang and what seemed like ages to me, you picked up the phone. Although it was only a 4 minute conversation. Your sweet 'bye' at the end was worth the fear.

I asked for advice, I was given advice and encouragement in return. I became optimistic, and accepted that I might fail, but went ahead no less.

Now I am relieved, after what you've told me. This time I did not sit down and be depressed all the day, I did something, although nothing really came out of it. I got to know something which relieved me, of un-natural-ness. I get to be myself and learned to accept that I didn't make it. But I made the effort, I'm happy.

So it's time to move on, although I will still be reminded of you, and your never-ending loving-kindness, from time to time.

THANK you.

Grandfather, if I had girls chasing after me too

2007-11-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

“who did you like before mama?”

“no one, there was this teacher going after me when I was courting mama, I should’ve chosen her lah, mistake…”

“hah? Why? If you chose her then where got daddy, pak pak, lionel suk suk”

“why cannot, she also can give me the same wert”

”where can lah, you’re not proud of your sons ah? If you’re not I am”

“there was also this Ipoh girl chasing after me also, ask me go out to movies, go and eat with her, but I didn’t entertain her lah”

”Girls chasing after YOU?”

”yeah, what’s wrong?”

”what do they see in you?”

“brilliance, brilliant of a heart”

“HAHAHAHA, brilliance I can accept, brilliant of a heart, you? HAHAHA”

*we reach home, I opened the auto gate to drive my car in, my grandmother walks out*

”Why is that bloody stupid old woman out?”

momentary pause…

“To see you lah…hahahaha”

I will change

2007-11-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

If it makes me worth to be by your side.
I think about you
I dream about you
I miss you.

Just see, I will be a better man(or boy...)

I can only dream...

2007-11-26T10:18:00.001+08:00

...of being next to you.

My 20th birthday

2007-11-24T11:06:00.000+08:00

I'm 20. for the first time in my life, I feel like I have friends. Friends who I won't hesitate to speak to. My birthday was on the 20th, I spent my day before that and the day itself in Genting, with a small group of friends, they tried to surprise me when it was near midnight, but things didn't go as planned, I tried to act like I didn't know anything, but I couldn't keep my face straight for 2 seconds. I just laughed when they brought the cake out.

But thanks for putting the effort into doing something like this. I appreciate it, a lot. So they were the first to wish me happy birthday, and I felt lucky to have people celebrate with me...

The night of my 20th birthday,

Me making my long birthday wish, forgot to include that I wish I was in love, next year then, haha.

Then following that I received two birthday wishes from two girls which I didn't expect. I grinned from ear to ear and let out a slight laugh when I read the messages. I was touched that they remembered.

Then my sifu wished me as well, he is a significant person and someone whom I look up to, yet he is humble and doesn't look down on me,an insignificant 20-year old(as of 4 days ago).

Then my high school friend Keith and mr.Daniel Yap, whom I didn't have his number (sorrylah, my old phone got problem)...

It feels nice to be remembered, it feels nice to know that they remember you. It feels nice.

I also got a few presents.

A few which are useful,

A checkered shirt

A freaking pressure-washer from my mum,dad,sis, two of my sister's close friends and my bro. Thanks guys! This was freaking expensive!

Some which were funny,

note: my kukuchiao is well IN order

And one which was sweet and meaningful,

:) :) :) :) :)

I think this was the most surprising one, a book given by someone who recognized my unspoken need. The gift was very thoughtful, I realllly love it, thank you.... Crap, now that I know she will read this, I can't say things I want to say anymore.

The book is easy to read, some stories are heart-warming, but it makes me think, what if love doesn't exist.
Can people survive without being in love with another?

'Love makes the world goes round' I know, but I haven't experienced that myself, yet. Right now it feels like the world can go round without love. But when a girl that my friend is deeply in love with is gone(as in cannot see or talk to in person anymore), he feels like there is no purpose to wake up everyday. There is no motivation to do anything, because ultimately what he does is for her, and when she's gone, everything is meaningless, but her. I think that's how he feels, and must feel pretty devastated at that time.

I'd like to feel the same way too, being so deeply in love with someone. What's stopping me? what is the wall?

fear of rejection?
fear of commitment?
fear of self-imperfection?

I would say all of it. I'm a lazy-ass self-centered bugger. I'd like to change that before I allow myself to be in love with someone. Or is that even possible, I'm not very wise...

To anyone who is in love at the moment, a poem from the book written by Melissa Collete.

You are all of this to me

You’re the thought that starts each morning,
The conclusion to each day.
You are in all that I do,
And everything I say.

You’re the smile on my face,
The twinkle in my eye.
The warmth inside my heart,
The fullness in my life.

You’re the hand that’s laced in mine,
And the coat upon my back.
My friend, my love,
My shoulder to lean on.

You’re my silly, mature, caring,
Thoughtful, bright and honest guy.
The one who holds me tightly,
When I need to cry.

You’re the dimple in my cheek,
The ever-constant tingle in my soul.
The voice that makes me weak,
The happiness of my life.

You are all I’ve wanted,
You are all I need,
You are all I‘ve dreamed of,
You are all of this to me.

"I Luv U" by The Ordinary Boys

*get out of me, ego, out, out, out!*

Congratulations Izso!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-18T22:56:00.000+08:00

May your marriage be filled with LOVE and HAPPINESS buddy!!!
wooo hoooooooooooo!

your little presentation was very funny btw haha

Here's you in your jag

and you walking across the dining hall

were you nervous? kekekeke....

I want to be . . .

2007-11-10T20:45:00.001+08:00

A person with

unlimited compassion,

unlimited patience,

and unlimited humility.

A person who

does not procrastinate

is not materialistic

is wise.

Current Score

Compassion : 5/10
Patience : 3/10
Humility : 1.5/10
Un-procrastinator : -9999999999/10
Un-materialistic : 7/10
Wisdom : 1/10

Yup un-procrastinator -99999999999. I didn't prepare for one of my papers and didn't prepare for the tutorials during the whole semester for that subject (commercial banking) and skipped that paper cause I wouldn't even know what to write. So I ahve to graduate half a year late. Hah, so much for wanting to do masters. Don't think it's for someone of my caliber.
The thought of 'am I doing what I like' has been in my head off and on for a while. I don't think I really like to be someone who works in a bank. I'm not good with calculation and maths, or numbers.
Things I would love to learn and do is probably cooking, or painting. But it's too late to change now.
Final paper on Monday, I think this semester I'm going to fail two papers, have been slacking the whole semester. Hoping time would rewind and give me a fresh start.

If I can't get my priorities straight and become the un-procrastinator I want to be, no more detailing for me for 2008. This whole semester was almost all about detailing and less about studying, I didn't prioritize, never thought about the consequences of procrastinating a few hours a day, which adds up to... alot of lost time.

Kenneth, when are you going to realise the importance of this?

My dad asked me, "Ken, when are you going to start financing the family? two years from now? 3-4 years from now?"

The thought of it scares me, I wish I don't have to. I don't want to. I don't think I can. What if I can't earn as much as my dad does?

Will I be a disappointment to him?

I wish I was more appreciative of money and be pressured to earn them. I'm a spoiled child.

Sigh.

Current & near future agenda,
- last minute study for final economics paper, multinational trade & investment.
- Then it's detail mum's ride to prepare it for izso's wedding day.
- Then detail his wedding car the Jaguar XK8
- His wedding day.
- Meet up with forummers from Meguiar's Malaysia to 'demo' rotary buffing.
- Summer class to re-take Business Law
- Arrange detail dates with few customers and relatives
- Re-spray test panel to attempt wetsanding to remove orange peel.
- Start 2008 as the most un-procrastinating person I can be!

Gave my engine bay a good cleaning and dressing.

I wish I can be like this bicycle's lamp reflector. Always looking up and not looking down.

Rusty bike

Used to use this to cycle from BU11 to Damansara Jaya to the Cyber Cafe when daddy and mummy banned me from using the PC.

mama, see the sadness in her eyes. She never seems happy nowadays.

Although my grandfather has the wisdom, knowledge, etiquette, etc. He isn't a very loving person.
My grandmother the opposite, loving person, but not much etiquette and can sometimes be very emotional, omg I just realised she passed it down to me.
And my critical nature is from my grandpa. ... noooooooo.
I wish my mama's sons were more, compassionate towards her. Like today she had to go to the dentist, she asked my uncle to fetch her to DU to get it fixed, he wasn't free, which he always is when it comes to fetching my grandma to some place.

"I NOT FREE LAH, DON'T ASK ME TO SEND YOU TO ANYWHERE"

a devout Christian, *scoff*.

So she had to walk out of the house to the main road which was quite far to get a taxi. Midway it rained, and all wet. haih...

My grandfather treats mama the same way to. This afternoon and went into my sister's room, she has a whiteboard where she contengs stuff and writes memos on it. My grandpa wrote there, "I find greater treasure GIVING than receiving"

*critical mode on*

what a hypocrite. Charity begins at home old man! what's the use if you donate to charity homes outside when you treat your wife at home like this.

And also there's this guy, whom made a mistake which made me swore not to ever associate with him again. Then one day I forgave him in my prayers. and today he is still persistent and does something which he is not supposed to do, how can you forgive someone who repeatedly makes the same 'mistake'.

erggh....

*critical mode off*

A Prayer of Compassion

2007-10-30T12:20:00.000+08:00

May I become at all times, both now and forever,

A protector for those without protection,

A guide for those who have lost their way,

A ship for those with oceans to cross,

A bridge for those with rivers to cross,

A sanctuary for those in danger,

A lamp for those without light,

A place of refuge for those who lack shelter,

And a servant for all in need.

- His Holiness The Dalai Lama
Ancient Wisdom, Modern World

I recite this when I start to think highly of myself or when ego kicks in, helps so far.

Overwhelmed

2007-10-28T13:07:00.000+08:00

Lately, a few things have made me feel overwhelmed. *I am not myself in this post*

1. My detailing blog has brought me a bit of attention, there have been a few people messaging me in forums, a few e-mailing me, a few sms-ing me to request for my detailing services. I am grateful for that but most of the time feel insecure for bringing total strangers to where I live, also for the noise my machine makes , disturbs the neighbours. Well they haven't really complained, and when I asked them if it was noisy or not, they said it was okay, continue the work. Means they did not say it was not noisy, they just trying to be nice and friendly neighbours. Huge respect for them and the family for their tolerance. I feel overwhelmed by the detailing requests and I have to arrange the dates for each of them (less than ten requests) but that time I will be taking my summer classes for a subject I failed(re-taking), so a bit overwhelmed with the studying and the detailing, but excited for trying to get myself to be a perfectionist at the same time. Also trying to redeem myself from missing a few 'spots' on my latest Subaru detail.

A dream car

2. My final exams, starts on tuesday and I have been majorly slacking throughout my whole semester, So I'm trying to cover 13 weeks of stuff over the course of a few days. Well I had a month before this and I have been procrastinating, I was persistent a few days back when I unlpugged my computer in my room, but now plugged it back to contact a few of my potential customers and have been procrastinating through youtube and detailing forums(do not blame this on your customers Kenneth! when will you learn to take 100% responsibility of your life?)

Hot chocolate makes a good study companion

3. I plan to do my Masters course in Monash Australia after I graduate with my degree, I got highly motivated after talking to Zey and his experience of doing his Masters in UK. Then I told my dad and mom about my plans, and they supported me. Which made me happy and motivated me to do well in my upcoming exam. But when I told the plan to my no-nonsense-face-the-reality grandfather, ... "Got so much money ah?"
So i told him the fees is AUD24,200 and cost of living is probably AUD 50,000 and then I said exchange rate is AUD 1 =RM 2 (My ignorance being a finance student), "EXCUSE ME, the exchange rate is now 3.4!" (which is actually 3.03 yesterday when I checked at www.x-rates.com).
So this morning while I was sleeping he left me a note of his calculation for cost of living in Australia, which i can hardly decipher.

He writes perfectly when he writes a cheque, but not now

I think it is 25 AUD for food times 31 days. Rental is AUD 400 per week x 4 = AUD 1600 per month + I think it looks like bills = AUD 2000 total. and student earnings while working on saturday and sunday. 2 weekends, 14 hours per week for 20 hours...wait....i can't read his hand writing, at the end it's supposed to be me earning AUD 196 per week.

So expenses per month are

Food - RM 2348.25
Rental - RM6,060
less working 4 weekends - (RM2375.52)
-------------------------------------------
Total Expenses : RM 6032.73 x 18 months (the course is 1.5 years)

= RM 108,589.14 + course fee( AUD24,200 x 3.03)
= RM 181,915.14.
-------------------------------------------

Total expense for doing a masters course in Monash Australia is RM 181,915.14

and when my materialistic side kicks in...I could almost be driving a brand new Subaru Impreza WRX! (which costs RM185,704.80) I would give anything to drive a better car than my Wira right now. My wira with 13 inch wheels which understeers like crap and slides around on wet road like ice skates on ice, a body which rolls around in corners which makes you think if you are sitting in a boat than a car, water that drips down on hot days in the passenger foot area because of the air-con, paint that is so thin you could see the old paint under the new paint and metal showing on the edges of some panels due to my over-polishing, front bumper falling off, headlamps with fungus growing in it, the list goes on. ( Kenneth, appreciate that your parents can afford to give you a car to drive )

4. Grey's anatomy, I look forward to watch an episode or two while I have my lunch, procrastinating... But it's so hard to resist, I love this show, it's smart and it moves you the way it wants to. There was one episode which made me tear. I'm not gay, the word is emotional. Right now nothing beats an afternoon of lunch and Grey's anatomy.

Maid's fish porridge

5. I was looking through my safe box the other day and found my old Ragnarok Online credit cards.

Lots of money wasted here

Boy, those were the days, in form 5, I was so into the game because you get to play a character and there are males and females in the game. I remembered when the game was in beta and it was free, and I was an archer, and I was talking/flirting with this cute archer girl on cliffs of Payon overlooking the sea or lake below, I was in love with her, well her character anyway. Then when my friends started playing it, we would talk about it during recess or when we meet up. At one time we also argued over the game because I started 'botting'. Botting is when you use an illegal program which helps you play your character, so you don't have to do the tedious killing monsters to hunt for rare items or level up. So they were mad at me and I think we didn't talk for sometime because I was 'cheating' And after a few days-weeks. They friggin started botting too, which kinda angered me since they were dissing about me botting and now they were botting. But we were young (not that we are not now, just younger than now), and we probably weren't the most mature people, ok maybe they were and I am the one who is not. Anyway we've grown I guess and we're cool although they think I'm gay. ....those fuckers... ^^v

6. I was sending my neighbour home one day, and our topic turned to gfs and bfs...or something. I was making a statement that good girls don't like good guys and she said I was wrong. I kept saying I was right, probably because I think I am a good guy and nobody likes me. And she says how do you know if nobody likes you? maybe they do but they don't tell you. So I said nobody'll like me, or at least I can't imagine that to be, which was veerrry negative of me ( I know you are thinking I am insecure now for thinking like this). So I asked "Am I a good guy?", she said "yes", knowing that she's a good girl, my mind was asking "Do you like me?" hahahaha.
But I couldn't say that obviously because we didn't like each other, or at least I know she doesn't, I probably infatuate her at times, but that's about it. *hope she doesn't read this* **if you do, I'd like you to know that you're very cute** (dude, "you got issues", to quote my sister)
So I told this to another friend of mine who also said good girls DO like good guys, which set me straight as I know her bf, which was totally(bimbos like to use this on TV right) a good guy. So I guess good girls DO like good guys. I like bimbos with a slim body and long straight hair. *to good girls out there reading this, if any : I could like you too, even if you don't have a slim body and long straight hair*.

7. I was a bit angry at my grandmother yesterday and this morning because she kept asking me to fetch her around to do this and that. I was angry because she doesn't plan this and asks people who HAS plans to do stuff spontaneously. I was frustrated, so I slept in the afternoon yesterday till this morning. And this morning when she left a cup of one of her brews/concoctions in my room, I was angry because she always makes these stuff and always asks/force me to drink them. I put it outside my room and left it there. Being frustrated with her, I quickly bath and packed my study stuff and headed for my University to use their library(they are open on Sundays), when I reached there, the parking lot was empty so made a U-turn and head home, didn't want people to think I am weird for being the only one to study there(insecurity). While driving fast with Sum41 blasting reasonably loud to let go of my angst, I was shuffling in and out of traffic to get ahead of the slow cars, at one time I came out almost too near to a Toyota Vios behind me, I think he horned, but not sure with all the emotions and thoughts go through my mind. Then I felt sorry, that I made that mistake. And also for the mistake that I got angry over my grandmother for not accepting the way she is. So I bought some McD breakfast and went home, also felt sorry on they way because my selfishness didn't ask me to buy some McD breakfast for my bro and sis as they would much prefer them over chinese food for breakfast. When I went home, I saw the right of my grandmother's eye was dark-red dark-blue (not blue-black) because the mirror of a lorry hit her. Karma was wrong, it was supposed to hit me and not her because she didn't make any mistakes, I did. Her eyesight is deteriorating, but thankfully, karma also knows that it was too soon for her to lose her eyesight and the mirror of the lorry didn't hit her eye. Sorry mama.

Procrastinating...

"I have a clear line of fire! Give me the shot! Give me the shot!

"Execute"

"Shot fired. Target hit"

something is wrong with me

2007-10-28T11:49:00.000+08:00

Something is wrong with me, a few days ago, I wish I had brain cancer and it was inoperatable and I just die.

I stare into space for half a day. Idle. And then, I had hope, I felt that there is still hope. It is still not too late. So I fought.

Now I wish I had brain cancer, and just die.

I want to play a game with you

2007-10-17T11:30:00.001+08:00

*video removed for it's repetitiveness

old posts hahaha

2007-10-15T23:56:00.000+08:00

fucker my old posts damn fucking fake and bad, and rascsisct...how to spell...
race-ist, racecist...RACSISCT fucker still got the red wavy underline means wrong spelling....
RACSICT <--WTF?? still wrong?

rascist
rasist
racist <-- YES BINGO! DING DING DING

look at this post

http://ithasbeenyears.blogspot.com/2006/03/dear-officer.html

apologies to muslim readers in advance.

that was so curseful.. but I like it, that was before me reading any self-help books, before me thinking before I respond, that was when I don't give a fuck(yeah I could've said damn but I like to say fuck, FUCK (oh it feels so good) ). I just respond.

Who cares if the outcome was good or bad, I didn't give a fuck, which soon made me realised that it was egoistic, I guess in some peoples eye, I like me when I was me last time..hehe who cares what people thinks about you, you go kenneth! yeah fuck it, fuck them, yeah doggie style them, fuck em hard OH YEAH.

And my old posts are about what I did during the day, and how I saw things during that day, or something like that, a bit boring but I like it, and none of that inspirational, self-help crap I'm worried about now anyways.

If I had wisdom, I'll probably be looking at myself as immature and childish.

let's call the wise me mr.W and the who gives crap me, mr.K, cuz that' who I am.
W : you son, are childish and immature, I forgive you for you do not know your mistake.
K : Oh go fuck an elephant and cum into his trunk, who cares if I'm immature and childish, I LIKE it the way I WANT it.
W : That is selfish, satisfying your own needs rather than the societies.
K : Oh fuck the society, if they don't like me for who I am right now, then DON'T
W : Please, Mr.K, don't you want to be loved?
K : Of course I do!
W : To be loved, you first have to GIVE love.
K : I sure as hell fucking can, I can fucking make love to the society, oh yeah bitch, come fuck me...
W : You sound like you have a lot of anger, don't you want to feel peaceful.
K : Fuck the peace, peace is boring, I like it hard to the core.
W : please, feel the peace, achieve nirvana, let's close our eyes and meditate.
K : wuttha FFFF, are you FUCKING INSANE?? WTF???????
W : Shhh, feel the peace, the silence and be calm.
*ran out of ideas*
the end

oh yesterday I went to "Gau Wong Yeh" this nine emperor gods thing, and there was this huge-fucking-chicken-ass chart which shows what each mole on your face/body represent.

Two moles on my face represented ~perniagaan merosot~ and ~susah mencari rezeki~

and the one on my right arm which really hit it on the nail was ~percintaan terhancur~

so damn fucking true....so I was telling a friend that I should buang my tahi lalat so that I could have a gf, woohooo.

but of course being a wise and practical person he always is, he told me that I should accept the way it is and work harder...

LAZY laaa....just pay rm10, throw the fly shit away and fuck some gfs dawg..woohoo...

to potential GFs reading this, sorry I'm an innocent, honest and sincere person, I won't dare to fuck you because I have the most respect for you, sorry, I would love you day and night.

*hmmm something in my head, I should blog like a have a girlfriend, since people with gfs and bfs blog about each other's bfs and gfs...hmm I should, just to see how it feels like, to have a gf maybe, hahaha neat idea, my next post would be me going out with my gf, no first announcement that I have a gf, who cares lah if people think I'm nuts, percintaan terhancur anyways*

yah....and.....*yawns.... 12.18am shit gotta go bath make me some coffee and stay up through the night to finished up my assignment.

oh yeah something to be pissed about. at my fucking self for being last minute (i'm totally doing it again). I messed up my previous assignment and it was remarked as unacceptable by my tutor and says that I have to do it again. because of my fucking procrastination, fucking no drive for my studies, I gotta delay my revision for fucking this....oh fucker...

and was joking with another friend that our tutor is very bitchy because he check every sentence whether they are from the article that you cite.
wtf, he's a turkish you see, so I said why don't you fucking go back to turkey and dance in a fucking gay bar screaming GOBBLE GOBBLE at yer gay audience....fucker.

yeah why I procrastinated now, because a one day detail unexpectedly turned to a two day detail.

god, let me survive this night, and have officially given up on chasing any girls or falling in love because my mole tells me that I have percintaan terhancur, until the mole disappears, I shall have no gf, except for an imaginary one which is to come in the next post(kekekeke). If my mole stays with me till I'm 80, I shall be a bachelor for life.

yawns..FUCKING ASSIGNMENT ARGGGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGH....... GO

.

2007-10-13T14:58:00.000+08:00

Positive positive, I will stay positive...
i'm singing my positive song....

positive, positive, I will stay positive, eventhough I made a mistake

Cranberries - Animal Instinct

2007-10-13T00:38:00.000+08:00

Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was having my cup of tea
Suddenly I was feeling depressed
I was utterly and totally stressed
Do you know you made me cry
Do you know you made me die

And the thing that gets to me
Is you’ll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I’ll always be in doubt
It is a lovely thing that we have
It is a lovely thing that we
It is a lovely thing, the animal
The animal instinct

So take my hands and come with me
We will change reality
So take my hands and we will pray
They won’t take you away
They will never make me cry, no
They will never make me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is you’ll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I’ll always be in doubt

The animal, the animal,
The animal instinct in me
It’s the animal, the animal,
The animal instinct in me
It’s the animal, it’s the animal,
It’s the animal instinct in me x2

Sigh

2007-10-12T18:17:00.000+08:00

Because his hair is spiky so he is cooler than me is it.
Because his car is newer than mine so nicer to sit in is it.
Because he wears black and I wear all the gay coloured shirts is it.
Sigh, why am I feeling jea-fucking-lous, I don't even know that guy...erghhhhhhhhhh...

bloody you wait la, I dye my hair, spike it up, wear some accessories, change my clothing go to gym 10 times a day, eat 6 egg whites every day, see you come to me or not.... knn....

argh..why am I feeling slightly emo when I shouldn't....stupid infatuation(FUCKING AGAIN)!!!.....fucking no balls, fucking so easy to like people for fucking what, fucking shit fuck. Fucking sensitive fuck.

Grow some balls and get a life...

Do we look alike?

2007-10-10T23:27:00.001+08:00

Grandfather

Father

Me

Is it me or....

2007-10-01T21:19:00.001+08:00

...Am I a fecking DISNEY WHORE!!!
I feckin' love this song!

Yeah I know she's Hannah Montana, I got her album!

Some photos I took for fun.

After adjusting brightness, contrast and saturation thanks to Gary's(Dxtaz) advice.

People that you don't like

2007-09-29T10:24:00.000+08:00

I have a few, let me begin by saying that you woke up early in the morning and smiley and cheery, the feeling that this is gonna be a good day, you wash up, had a good breakfast, and decide to catch up on what's going on on your favourite forum.

You go there, and then you begin opening some interesting threads, and some members post stuff with arrogance, polluting the atmosphere of the forum. Their negative posts spreads on to you, if I hadn't opened and read that, I would still be happy and cheery, now I read that idiot's post, I just feel like flaming him, often times I opened an add reply box and typed to my heart's content, but finally just closed the window without posting what I typed.

And then there are some people whom you may have a personal conflict with, actually is me. Well I don't have a conflict with him, but he does with me, I think. He posts,

"fren who betrayed me when i thought he could be trusted..fcuk!"

I assume that friend is me, because if I were in his shoes, I would feel the same about myself. It's a long story and rather personal so I wouldn't talk about it here. People's words don't speak what their hearts feel sometimes.
I don't understand and cannot comprehend their behaviour, I agree that sometimes I could be like that, saying things without thinking, saying with my emotions, and not with my heart and mind, but soon I realise and regret.
But the person that you are saying these too have permanently marked you and remembered what you said to him or her. How would the opposite party know that you have realised and regret? If you had in the first place.

And if people's behaviour/character/personality doesn't appeal to you, you just have to accept it. You cannot change people's behaviour, unless that person HIMSELF is WILLING to change.
You don't like him or her because he/she is this and that, you rant about it(I'm doing it now), but what does that help?

nothing.

You can't change them, why bother with their inferior behaviour, ignore their messages, let them be who they want to be, let them face the consequences of their own behaviour.

I've learned not too long ago that you cannot please everyone, I always never wanted to get on anybody's bad side, but the world is not always filled with good people. A bhuddist book says that we are all equal, I interpret the meaning as, for someone's bad quality, he would have an equally good quality to offset his bad quality.

The people whom you know that have the bad quality, you may not know his good quality, I don't like the person that posted "fren who betrayed me when i thought he could be trusted..fcuk!". Yet I do not know him good enough of his equally good qualities, I try not to, not like him although I have sworn that I would never associate with this type of person again. You can't please everyone.

I learned that you have to cut off some relationships. Let them hate you, let them dislike you.

====================================

It is better to be hated, then to hate.
====================================

When you hate, you are poisoning yourself, you destroy your ownself. So I think it's best that you don't hate, and accept people's behaviour, accept them for who they are and what they are. If you don't like them, ignore them, don't hate them. Don't let people's words influence you.

phew...glad I got rid of that hatred feeling after writing this post. Time to go get some GOOD breakfast! woohooo

==========================================
You can't appreciate the good without the bad
==========================================

and also a principle that I'd always stick by is

=============================================
Honesty is always and will always be the best policy.
=============================================

p.s I'm hooked onto this song! from high school musical 2!

and my version ><
Have an absolutely terrific day to you! Come to me if you have troubles because I care, or I try to. HAHA! Love you XOXO (<-- wtf..LoL) sayonara.

*Edited in the evening after seeing izso's post on his personality type. This is mine.

You Are An ISFP

The Artist

You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.
Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.
Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.

In love, you are quiet and sweet yet very passionate. You love easily.
You have an underlying love for all living things, and it's easy for you to accept someone into your heart.

At work, you do best in an unconventional position. You express yourself well and can work with almost anyone.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

How you see yourself: Sympathetic, kind, and communicative

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, insecure, and overly sensitive

What's Your Personality Type?

Ego has kicked in

2007-09-22T21:09:00.000+08:00

When you start thinking highly of yourself, when you start looking down on others, so will they.

When you stop caring for others, so will they.

When you start being selfish, they will turn away.

When you think that all the attention is on you, when it is actually not, ego has kicked in.

Ego has kicked in when you stop being considerate; stop being caring; stop respecting; stop understanding and stop listening.

When you are not there for others, they won't be there for you.

I've realised that, ego is not the same as arrogance. Arrogance is speaking out loud, saying without thinking, showing off. I'm a show off...
when I do something, I always think if someone was going to watch me do this, listen to me say this. I'm an attention seeker.

Like now, when you start typing with the mindset that someone is going to read this. The post will be unnatural...and fake... and dishonest(I try not to be).
I've always respected people who have always retained their humility when they are successful.
i want to be down to earth... I don't want to show off.
When I drive I will do this and that, hoping other drivers will see how "good" I am. Egoistical mindset.

When you think many people like you, ego has kicked in. When you stop liking people because you expect them to like you, you are egoistic.

I am now egoistic.
I have stopped liking others.
I have stopped caring for others.
I have stopped putting myself in others' shoes.
I need to change back, again... Now I'm back to square ONE.

humility, humility, humility

Old School!

2007-09-15T02:36:00.000+08:00

Power Rangers Theme Song

Power Rangers Guitar Cover

p.s Ego is kicking in

I'm So Pretty

2007-09-09T01:33:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Mummy... I Love you!

I love your new dress even more.

Sexy Lady and Macho Macho Man

Am I prettier than Natalie Fong?

Racing with a Satria Neo

2007-09-09T01:08:00.000+08:00

This post was written three days ago, published today

So, me and my friend finished our class and decided to eat lunch together. Our campus' cafeteria was full, as always during lunchtime, we went to Sunway Pyramid to eat. Being our usual indecisive self, we decided that it has to be either Pizza Hut, KFC or Mcdonalds. I said I duwun Pizza Hut, next was his decision, he chose KFC.

"Hahaha, good, actually I also want KFC"

"Then say earlier lahh!"

LoL.

So we go KFC and we both ordered their fish and chips, which suck. We both went to Kentucky Fried CHICKEN, to eat fish, when Long John's Silver is just three stores away. -.-; !!! swt...

After eating, we went to the new arcade upstairs and played initial D. I played I think about 5 rounds together, with me being the obvious winner =P (Who cares about Humility, Fuck It! Nyahaha I have a small mind, suck my balls and eat my dick) After he left, I played about 4 rounds more alone. Then went home

At the exit of Sunway Pyramid. There was this Satria Neo, we both had to look left and right for traffic to turn to the same junction. When traffic was clear, being the humble guy that I am =P, I let him go first. It was an irridescent white Neo with twin muffler tips in the middle instead of the single tipped standard one, with a pro-hatch and kakimotor sticker at the back.

So as usual, I drove at my normal pace (slightly faster than traffic) e also drove like that. I decided to follow him, we both just want to go home, quickly. Then he started to weave in and out of traffic, and being the humble guy that I am, it will be rude to decline his 'invitation'. So I followed him. ^^

This initiated the race, from Sunway Pyramid, using NKVE, he exited to Damansara while I headed for Kota Damansara. Most of the roads were straight, and the rest are high speed bends, my weakness since I have no anti-roll bars and only running on 13 inch wheels.

One thing I noticed was, his 110bhp 16V DOHC campro engine wasn't particularly fast. It could be an auto transmission, but most people that drive like that whom I know of, drive manual transmission, except for Izso, hehe. The Neo didn't pull away from me, maybe he is just 1-2 km/h faster. That's it. Compared to the Toyota Vios, damn the Vios was quick! and it's auto!!

The vios on paper has same bhp with the campro but the Vios was hell alot quicker than the the Neo.

On the long bends I couldn't see the Neo, I think it handles very well. ARB, good rigid chassis, decent sized wheels, but the campro engine was a let down.

1.6L 16V DOHC vs. my 1.3L 12V SOHC was keeping up with it, on low ends. He may have the top speed advantage, I have the power-to-weight ratio advantage. Now making me think twice if I should really go for the Proton Persona 1.6 M/T M-Line, actually made the booking already, but canceled coz :

I want to wait for in-depth reviews of the car
Speculate the rumors of the implementation of Cam Profile Switching(CPS) and Variable Intake Manifold(VIM) in the Waja in October.
Grandpa advised me not to stretch my dad's expenses any further.

Oh at one point of the race I was thinking to myself, what if there was a cop, I checked my mirrors and blind spots to confirm, then two seconds later, I spotted one, about 100m away, I braked and followed traffic speed. The Neo didn't see the cop cause he just kept pushing, then I saw his brake lights come on, right behind the police, LoL! We go to the Damansara Toll, while the police headed for the Subang Airport road. Now we was already 100m away from me, there was a long bend behind the toll. I took the corner up to my tyre's limits, when reach the toll, he was already at the Smart Tag. The Neo can really take bends!!! Now I'm thinking to myself, A Satria Neo GTI would be the perfect car, good handling, killer looks(to me) and a powerful engine. The Persona's body is huge and tall and only on 15 inch wheels, definitely would loss to a Neo in a race, cornering, and in a drag(Persona is heavier)

Oh I broke my speed record, reached 175km/h when me, the Neo and a modified Volvo was blocked by a stupid Waja that refused to move. What a fun day! Initial D, the Neo, so suitable to end the day playing with my new polish. But I have an assignment to do ARRGGGHH!!

edit : I did played with the polish, which was procrastination and made me rushed my assignment, haha. Dumbo.

Merdeka Eve

2007-08-31T03:05:00.000+08:00

"any plans for tonight Kenneth?"

"dun think so, stay at home I guess"

to avoid the traffic jams and the hassle of celebrating and such...
then My sis wanted to go to The Curve, for the countdown/celebration. which me, my dad and my mom objected coz it's too dangerous and it would be difficult to fetch her back because the traffic just wouldn't move around that area when everyone wants to go home at the same time.

Then she must be so sad and then finally my dad let her go, so I had to take her there, which I first initially object since I absolutely hate to get into troublesome situations. So I brought her there, parked the car far away, and walked with her to The Curve to meet her friends.

That time I called a friend and she told me that 2 friends (both girls) would be there, which I would be happy to see (normally). So I called one of the girls, she told me she's going to pick up the other girl and then I asked her who is going, firstly is teh other girl and her bf(obviously) and then it's her and...another guy(which is just a friend, and maybe something more I assume, don't assume, when you ASSume, you make an ASS of yourself).

So of course the normal thing every guy would do is to join your friends and hang out with them, since you'll be alone for the rest of the night. I wasn't trying to be an introvert but told them that I was going to see other friends, which is quite obvious to them that it's fake coz I don't want to be the odd one out.
I mean if I were one of the guys, I wouldn't want another guy that we didn't invite to barge in on our 'double date' right. I'm not ranting or complaining, just expressing my point of view.

So I went to watch a movie alone (Impak Maksima, will explain in a short while). First time watching a movie alone, and my friend was right, it feels weird when the movie ticket seller asks

"How many?"

"one"

movie-ticket-seller thinks : *man, what a low-life depressing kid*

yea anyway i do like to be alone, you don't have to worry about people's feelings, you don't have to think how to say the right things, or act right, you can just be yourself and do whatever you want. being alone rocks.

Well after the movie, which was okay and was weird as you can hear people commenting and the malays kickin' your seat behind you without any consideration, not being racist..but yeah.
So after the movie, I had nothing to do for half an hour, till 12 midnight, when the fireworks begin.

I just walk around myself, enjoying the fact that I can go anywhere, wherever I want, don't have to think of what to say to anyone....as I walk and explore the booths and every corner of the area, half an hour has gone, the fireworks started, it was beautiful...and loud.

I stood there, looking up in the sky, and slowly felt the loneliness creeping into me, I wish I had a friend there so I can scream, or someone that I can comment to about the fireworks.

after the fireworks, I just wandered somewhere and sat down. Watching groups of people walk by, then suddenly being alone was...lonely. You see people laugh, you see people runnin' around, and you just sit there, watching. Wishing that there was somebody to talk to...

So I just sat there, and day dream, and stared into space...and was silent for the 45 minutes, when my surrounding is filled with noise, chatter and laughter.

This isn't suppose to be sad because it's not a very sad thing, it's just....loneliness.
When I am around friends, I wish I was alone.
When I'm alone, well it's okay....but then after long periods I realize, alone, can be, lonely.

anyway later I called my sis, we walked to the car and went home.

yawnzz.....sigh.

To conclude, I have :

No self-confidence
No Self-esteem
No character

Why? because if I have those? I would be comfortable being myself in front of my friends.
Which is also a reason why I like detailing, when I detail, I get the feeling that I am doing something right, the feeling that I know what I'm doing, the confidence that what I do is good.

But have no confidence in any other thing I do.

Monash Motorshow

2007-08-18T00:58:00.001+08:00

First of all, sorry no pictures.
Being a car freak, the show was fun at the beginning but starts to get boring in the end,

highlights to me were

1) A Putra spitting out huge balls of flames, and made its rear skirting caught fire and the owner had to pour some water over the muffler, lol.

2) The drifting, 180sx some old old cars which I don't know the model, damn that one really set my heart, I just can't stop smiling seeing them go sideways, but then it got boring slowly coz they're all doing the same thing. There's also a rear-wheel drive Proton Perdana

3) Ferrari 355, it was only there to show, but I was early and saw it slowly came in and parking under the canopy, although it doesn't sound as godly as the F430 I've encountered before on the road. IT WAS PURE CAR EXHAUST PORN ORGASMIC!!!! argghh...damn.....seriously was the best sounding thing over there, better than all the woofers and loud muffles. Ferrari...

4) Natalie Fong!!!!!~~~~~~~~ Cuteness, pretty-ness everything, this pic's a bit blur but man I've fallen for her. I know this is materialistic(*very*) but I'm a sucker for pretty faces and I'm in love with her, ooo Natalie~

Hopefully my wife won't be someone whom I've materialistically fallen for...else I'll be doomed.
but damn...

Natalie...

Hypertune Gallery - Natalie Fong

Kenny Yeoh - Natalie Fong

Natalie's Blog

I'm such a stalker

I lub you Natalie~

Sunday 12.05 am

2007-08-13T00:19:00.001+08:00

I am still critical.

I am still arrogant.

When it comes to socializing, I’m a piece of shit, I can’t be alone when I’m around others, with some exceptions. So to those who can still bear with me, thank you for your tolerance.

Does anyone like critical people?

Only the uncritical people.

Critical people HATE and CRITICIZE critical people.

I’m critical. J

But of course I try not to HATE and CRITICIZE critical people.

A good friend of mine left for Indonesia to study medicine.

He was a hell of a chap, total respect for him, wrote him a good-bye card which I thought was rather touching(not intended, words were sincere). Hope he didn’t cry when he reads it on the plane.

He’s a sincere person, if someone is sincere to you, then it will go the same for him/her I guess.

He has taught me to be less selfish because he for one is TOTALLY selfless. Seriously.

He has taught me not to judge, we talked about this for a while during our usual Saturday morning breakfasts (after a jog at TTDI Kiara park).

Not to judge, and accept people for what they are because you can’t change that person.

That person is my grandmother…lol.

So yeah

Her constant nagging, sometimes only, sometimes when the mood is good everyone is happy she will show up with a temper and all…sometimes it’s hard and sometimes I try to change the way she is to the way I’d like her to be. Despite my effort of trying to be nice and gentle to her, sometimes it doesn’t work the way self-help books describe it to be.

Just have to accept the fact that she’s like that.

Back to me being alone. When I’m alone, I feel I’m less arrogant (unless I’m driving, still fixing that), I feel I do not have the need to impress people, I’m myself when I’m alone, well who isn’t. But when I’m with people I can’t be alone.

I want to prove that I’m superior to others. My slang, my language, my tone just breathes out arrogance. This fills the atmosphere with tension and uncomfortable-ness. At this point people will talk less to me, and when I realize what I’ve done, which is when I’m alone, I start calling myself stupid. “You don’t have to prove yourself to be superior”.

I don’t know why I think like that. Probably when I was younger I was very stupid, or treated as very stupid or I think that people treat me as very stupid. Because ever since I was a young boy, I was used to being praised by my mother a lot (excessively), and when I grow up, when I show my efforts and not get praised I guess I felt that I did not do a good job, hence the conclusion of stupidity. Man this is stupid.

I’m a person with the mentality of a…. bull.

I might not look like one but I think I think like one.

Dumb, impatient, charges without thinking, even though I don’t have a nose ring. I’m a bull. The things and promises are also bull, bullshits. Cause I either take a long time to commit to them, or never commit to them at all.

That’s me a useless piece of crap.

I polish cars, I make them shine the way that they should, but would you rather employ someone’s service that is sub-par to mine, but has very good-manners, good-souled (www.zeytee.blogspot.com comes to my mind)(EDIT: His results are NOT sub-par, I was only referring him to the good-souled part, not sub-par work, he's my sifu) , or employ me but with arrogance and criticalism, and when you come to me, you feel like I talk like I know everything, omniscient is it.

That’s me a useless piece of crap.

What am I good for, REALLY, I’m a big-time procrastinator, I don’t study as hard as my friends, I don’t score as good grades as them, I’m not as committed as them, I’m not as focused and concentrated at them.

Most of the time, I’m there but I’m not really there. I daydream, my mind wanders, when people talk to me, I don’t reply appropriately like I should.

It’s either a trying to prove to be superior reply,

Don’t give a damn reply.

That’s me a useless piece of crap.

Thought I have unlimited patience, sometimes I just cannot tahan my brother’s persistent kacau-ing, I’ll just raise my voice at him, unlike some fathers who are great at controlling this. I also know this man, whom I really like for his soft-spoken-ness.

What am I GOOD at?

Nothing.

Feeling stupid?

Feeling useless?

Oh yeah, I can’t talk to girls to save my life, suck balls Kenneth, suck balls.

Feeling like a useless piece of crap?

Join the club.

Sorry for whoever is reading this, to make you read this UTTERLY NEGATIVE post, I know people tend to drift away from negative people, well I like to express them here, so that I can read it in the future, hopefully when I change into a positive person, and laugh at this post next time. J

SO please, if I brought your mood down, sorry, I owe RM1. Claim from me, seriously.

I think I need a vacation alone. That’d be nice. People like to go to beaches and stuff….
I can imagine that being relaxing alone to…

I can also imagine that eventually I’ll feel alone and will need a company.

A company whom I can be myself around all the time.

That’d be the perfect girl. Or guy. But I’d prefer a girl.

But then, I don’t think I know a girl whom I can truly be myself around with.
truly myself.

Hope this post was truly myself.

Off to watch ‘Letters from Iwo Jima’ (After about half an hour of driving and failing to locate the a DVD shop that sells porn, so I got this instead, oh I like war films)

Oh I also designed my ‘business card’. Not really a business since it’s unlicensed, but I give it to friends and relatives coz my detailing blog site is a bit long an hard to remember. What do you think? Oh yeah, if u go to my detailng website even the write-ups have a whiff of arrogance. Because when I think that people will read this, I try to want to make them feel inferior or I am superior. So when I have the mood, or when I’m alone, or when I’m myself, only I can write posts, talk to people, reply in forums, like now. Okay bye. Kenneth of the future, YOU ROCK!

Unorganized

2007-08-01T19:49:00.000+08:00

Update on me.
Three weeks since my new semester has started, and haven't studied a single bit since my new semester started, been doing detailing even more.
Feel unmotivated and lazy, gotta get my priorities straight.

Now I'm sick, I think I got it from a friend, and maybe after awshing a car, body all wet straight away polish under the hot weather...extreme cold to extreme hot, then got flu, then a fever. then the fever made me blur...

Sick for three days, first day still detailing while sick, then didn't sleep at all coz bent my friend's rim. and then went his house to wait for AAM guy and played his XBOX360, played some racing game, fuiyoh drive mclaren F1, beats the crap out of a DB9.

yeah so that nite didn't sleep, made the fever worse, day 2 skipped school, day three today, finally gave in and see the doctor, on medication now, and I'm suppose to research something on the 1997 Asian Financial Crisis, which I had about a week to work on, but detail and sick and now left one night, bloody hell procrastinating again.

So much for my new semester's resolution of no procrastinating and being a better student.

My room's a mess, my life's not straight...argh...get it back in line...

I am pooped

2007-07-02T16:47:00.000+08:00

upper half of my body is now aching...
spent 5pm-11pm on saturday and 9am-7pm on sunday detailing.
See my work at www.wetshinedetailing.blogspot.com.

Went to eat at Secret Recipe just now, brought back alot of memories.
My brother ordered a set lunch which came with a chocolate brownie, WHICH IS TO DIE FOR!
mmmm, I remembered when I get hungry I would buy that and eat during my lunch break when working as a waiter. At RM2.50 (then) it was the cheapest and most satisfying stuff u can eat there....

bang for buck and damn....good.....
well here's an old post which I wrote after a month's job of becoming a waiter.
Memoirs of a Waiter
And then reading memoirs of a geisha during lunch breaks..ahh..those were the days la....
No stress about getting good grades, no stress about fucking fetching brother and sister around all the time.
Just go there and work. If only I knew how to appreciate it then, then to complain I can't wait to stop!
Guess we all have to learn how to appreciate our lives and ourselves at the present time. Right here, right now.

*fuiyoh, applause* hahahaha...

bye bye, off to eat the leftover brownie, I'M COMING BROWNIE!

Mp5 Warfare

2007-06-24T00:29:00.000+08:00

Here for larger pics : *Click*

Almost Accident!

2007-06-22T23:09:00.001+08:00

Damn….just now drive in the rain. Here’s a picture, it’s not a tight curve… right hand let’s say at 3 o’clock, just need to turn to 5’o clock.

Right hand turn. My old tyres were continental comfort, which were comfortable and quiet, but not very grippy and very soft! After 9719KM, botak already.

So I changed to Goodyear’s Ducaro GA, GRIP! Very very nice tyres, but a treadwear 240, I think it’s a bit soft also. Cannot pek too much if not must change again.

Anyway, after using the tyres for about 900km, felt confident with it, and it’s quite predictable. So on the soaking wet road just now (at night, quite heavy rain)

I wanted to test the tyres grip, normally with the continental comfort, in the same scenario it will just keep understeering as long as I keep throttling.

Which was what I expected with these as well…

But no… flicked the steering wheel at about 70km/h (confident!) and oh shit. OVERSTEER!!!! In bloody freaking wet road. The last time I experienced this was on a dry road with 4 almost botak tyres… and then when I corrected that, too much, it oversteered the opposite side, and re-correct, and then it just spun 180 degrees.

So this time I think I learned my lesson from the past. Here’s a picture to illustrate better of what I did.

First is straight line, then entered the corner abit too un-smoothly, kinda flicked it, and it oversteered, it would’ve normally understeered with the Continental Comfort tyres, this time it oversteered, the fact that the rear tyres were harder and the threads were also almost gone didn’t help the situation.

The time I spun out I corrected it about right hand 3 o clock to 9 o clock, and very violently, which unsettled the car even more, and a passenger behind, a girl ( sorry sumei ) I think smacked her face on the glass.

So this time, last two pics of the steering wheel, corrected it at around 12 o clock and 11 oclock, jiggling it in between.

And that time I was already shouting

“oh accident already, accident already” to my sister beside me.

If I corrected it more, confirm spin and hit the curb and grass and maybe fall into the drain on the left.

Luckily I didn’t!!! My heart was racing and feet and hands trembling.

I ask my sister, you didn’t feel anything ah?

She said, just feel it go sideways abit, swt -.-;

Summore just now in the dark and things were a blur, when I was correcting also cannot see the road…. scary

Next service have to change rear tyre.

The moral of the story is : Pek MORE corners so that you can react better in unexpected situations. Yeah!

so when you're dad says "Don't drive so fast ah!"
Don't listen. ;)

Guess what am I doing

2007-06-21T00:46:00.002+08:00

hehe anyway sinze Izso is the only one reading my blog,(thanks izso!)
Take a guess Izso.

cram time

2007-06-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

here are few very good reasons to cram for exams. The biggest one is that it doesn't work. Here are some others:

Your anxiety level will go up

You will lose sleep and eat poorly because of this

You will get sick more easily because of this

You will miss the exam because of this

You will take the much harder essay make-up exam because of this

You will fail the exam.

Seriously, at a minimum you will do worse on the exam than you would have otherwise.
Guaranteed.

Why does cramming not work?

There is a biological reason for this. The problem is that cramming information places it into our brains in short term storage. This is where you put everyday information that is not really worth remembering. In order to learn we have to transfer information into long term memory. Once there, you can retrieve it far easier over a longer period of time.

Cramming fails because you're relying on short term memory. This type is fairly unreliable. Where were you at 2:32 yesterday afternoon? Your brain once knew. Maybe there was a crime at your apartment and the police want to know. Short term memory fails under stress. You doubt your memory. The same thing happens when you take an exam, it's stressful.

That's why lah, procrastinate summore, now summore want to cram. Go fail lah you.

btw, did I mention, tehre's a new energy caffeine drink in town.

It's called the RedNesAlladincafe drink.

ha ha ha, so funny right, ha ha.

Audrey Hepburn

2007-06-17T09:41:00.000+08:00

beautiful...

I want to watch this show!
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Sigh

2007-06-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

“Absence makes the heart grows fonder. “

It sure does.

Infatuation… sends jolts of endorphins to your brains,

Warms the heart, makes it feel good.

So if the good girls like the bad guys,

What about the good guys who like the good girls?

No chance for them then?

Sigh.

Infatuation

2007-05-31T21:34:00.000+08:00

Definition of Infatuation:

foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration
puppy love: temporary love of an adolescent
an object of extravagant short-lived passion

Have you ever felt when you like somebody(just infatuation), but you can’t do anything to develop it because you’re not supposed to?

And this makes you feel kinda down?...

… I have…and it sucks. It’s times like these that makes me wish I had a girlfriend (I sound so desperate)….

Because you have to fight this infatuation. or maybe because it’s just infatuation, then it’s not suppose to develop. Feels so suck. When my friends always 'emo' coz of girl problems or whatnot, I'll actually think to myself, "stupid lah, emo over a girl"...

I know many people emo over a girl...I don't know coz I've never experienced it before, in a long time.

Faster Mature Please!

2007-05-29T21:59:00.001+08:00

When can I be mature? When can I be like an adult? I'm not sure if my 'philosophy' is correct but I think girls or women go for mature guys? Mature in the sense that, guys, who have humility, discipline, responsibility and such. I don't think I am mature yet, or at all. Of course in the past few weeks, I have also realized that I have been 'acting' too 'maturely'. I became very dull and boring. Speaking of humility, I cam across this term, false humility. That term or phrase and the meaning of it has never come across me before, until I saw it, and then only I realized that at times, my humility was FALSE!!

I was trying to talk to adults with humility (which almost always ends up me talking like I know everything, i.e. omniscient ( see there I go again trying to tell people I know that word)). It is good to practice humility, but when I try too hard, people just don’t feel like talking to me, or the conversation would get difficult to go on, and I have always wondered why, now I know, or I think I know, false humility. Sometimes you just have to be yourself.

When I talk to people who are very comfortable with the way they are, it’s areal delight having to talk to a person that is genuine and not just talking to your for the sake of pleasing you, which is what I believe, I have been doing, al this while. Accompanied together with a synthetic smile.

I think for now, for about getting a girlfriend, I will leave it till I become mature, or become an adult, if I ever will, or maybe that’s not even the correct way to think . Anyway we cant all be serious. My dad is a real joker sometimes, adults who joke, are DAMN FUNNY! Haha, just thinking about the TTs make me laugh. For now, I think I should just be young while I still can, and don’t look to grow up too quickly. I think many of my friends have already figured that out. I’m one of the slow ones. =P

For the friends who have not given up on me and still talk to me despite my lack of humility or sometimes false humility, I want to thank you for continuing to persevere with me, I mean it, that was not false humilityß is this statement indicating false humility? Haha, I don’t know.

On a more materialistic note, I can’t friggin wait to get my suspension done!! I want new springs and shocks, new bushes(if can PU), an anti-roll bar and hopefully new tires! ( my continental comfort have already reached the wear indicators, I won’t be changing back to them anymore, not very grippy, although very predictable, your car will feel like it’s ice-skating when driving on wet road.

I also cant wait to detail la…after seeing this car.

(note, I did not detail this car, Darren Chang from AutoDetailer did, and the job does not cost RM100 or 200 or 500…costs near the range of RM3000!

I keep saying to myself.”I also can lerrrr”

One day I want to say,

my name is fishbonezken, and I am a detailer. (hah, fat chance)

mental note : this post, not really being myself. Argh....

Hi Hi ^.^

2007-05-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

Sleepy and tired, phoo, exams coming in about 19 days from now.

According to my schedule, I won’t have time for anything else but revision!

If only I have the discipline to do so.

A book says that it’s not people don’t have the discipline that keeps them from accomplishing something, it’s the lack of passion for the result that keeps them from doing something.

For example, like polishing, if you start the project by thinking and visualizing the flawless finish, the journey there is simple and very enjoyable.

If for studying, maybe most people would begin with the end in mind, the end being a Distinction or a High Distinction. I’m not that ambitious, I do begin with the end in mind. Not because I want to be successful, rather, the fear of being unsuccessful!

What if I can’t earn enough to give my parents the life that they give me, what if, I downgrade them to live in a smaller house, etc. etc. What if, I can even afford their medical bills! And and, they can’t get to live as long as they wished. *choi, touch wood*

But, What If?

My plan and dream has always been to work and build up enough capital for me to open my own detailing business. What if I can’t?

Fear. . . . .

Things I will be looking forward to are, two cars that I’ll be detailing thanks to Izso,

ALRIGHT!

And also…..erm…..no that’s it..

Oh and also new suspensions if I’m getting them! Yeah I know I know, I always said I’m not materialistic, I should appreciate that I’m driving a car than riding a bike, but…. Very uncomfortable lah….feeling every little tiny bumps on the road. When I drive my dad’s 2^nd hand 7 year old Satria also feels like driving a luxury Mercedes S class. So anyone out there that’s driving a CAR, appreciate it. Don’t ask for more.

Ok pretty pointless post anyway, haven’t been posting any emo posts lately…

Have to get in touch with my spiritual self first.

See ya

My nigga

Bombastic, mr. fantastic.

Oh yeah I was passing my school library and saw a book with the title. The Bear Necessities, makes me feel like watching The Jungle Book

I have been humbled by a Vios

2007-05-23T10:11:00.000+08:00

So on the way home from school, I was using the highway about to turn in to Area 1, it is a long sweeping corner, don’t need brakes. About 100m away from the corner I see this Silver Vios zooming past, as soon as I saw it’s upgraded muffler and GT wing and a few stickers, I thought “hah, another all show and no go car, I’ll eat you at the corner”, so I started accelerating into area 1, cornered and to my little surprise, he didn’t brake, normally every car would brake before entering, one time a Proton Waja tiong me from behind so close , as soon as I turn into Area 1, he braked already and I just went along.

This time this Vios didn’t, I couldn’t catchup, despite the fact that I was flooring it at 3^rd gear, no tyre screeching, so I reasoned that I didn’t have enough road to build up speed before entering. Never mind, reached the green rectangular area, which is the Toll Plaza, we both had SmartTags, fair enough, we both came out of the gate slowly, I could’ve over took him in 1^st and second gear but didn’t do anything (cause he would’ve overtook me on the long straight ahead anyway), thought he wouldn’t play anymore.

BUT HE DID!

He over took an MPV from the left, I followed and damn that Vios could ACCELERATE! Our distance kept getting further and further until we reached traffic light 1.

“hehehe, this is my territory, I’m gonna eat you”

We both turned right and immediately overtook two cars from the left, area two are some loose turns without the need for braking, shit he accelerated damn fast ahead didn’t brake too, his car looks very steady with MINIMAL body roll!...my car was like flinging left and right, tyres haven’t screeched yet. Enter area three, is two sharp right turns, confirm must brake,

“hehehe, I’ll late brake you into the corner”

He late braked as well, better brakes too! Mine are Heavy Duty ones, last longer but doesn’t stop the car as good, I understeered through the two corners, I didn’t hear any sound coming from his tyres, this time abit closer to him. Then entered area 4. This time I didn’t underestimate him at all.

Area 4 is a medium curved left turn, but is downward sloping, so grip would be very much lesser, if you played Laguna Seca, it’s like going down the corkscrew, but not so steep la.

Area 4, I understeered the crap out of that corner, my steering angle was super to the left already and summore cut out to the next lane i.e, NO GRIP!, his car, didn’t notice any understeering, he exited the corner quick and then smoked me on the straight to the next traffic light, I had to U-turn back to my house, and he went straight. I was clapping and smiling in the car, wah geng, and wouldn’t mind having another go with him!!!!!

That was FUN!!

Btw, both my rear absorbers are dead, only supporting my car’s weight through the springs, front are almost dead.

I want change suspension(GAB)!!! RM1000

I want anti-roll bar!!! Less than RM200

I want strut bar!!! Less than RM200

I want lower profile tyres and rims!!! RM1000?

I have been humbled

Procrastination is bad, period.

2007-05-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

It's not only bad for what you're doing as in, like ur doing assignment, procrastinate all the way until the end, procrastinating won't let you do a proper job coz u'r rushing it.

That's not all there is to it, I got an assignment due at 4pm today, went to school and do, skipped tutorial, came home to do, but ended up procrastinating reading detailing forums. Procrastinated for about an hour then only i calculated the time I had left to do my assignment. It's 12.30pm, I have to pick up my bro, send him to lunch at a abit fancy cafe, send my sis home send bro to tuition, send grandmother to office. Then only I realized, I have no more time.

So I upset my granma abit coz i can't fetch, she pack everything ready to go already then im like..aiyor...useless. Then she follow us to lunch that time already no time. Ask my bro if can dun eat there anot, being my youngest and most pampered, *slightly*(actually very) spoiled bro, he would show his temper and then say duwun, cannot compromise with him, so ask him faster order and eat, then while he's eating im like rushing rushing, then he say back, why you don't do yesterday.

This phrase reminds me when I sometimes say to my sis or bro, that they themselves procrastinate, now I'm doing it, at a very bad level. Then call my mum, ask her if can fetch my bro to tuition or not, to buy me more time. So I had one hour to type and draw whatever I written on paper onto the PC and attempt the last subection of a question.

So far let's recall, got on grandma's bad side, brother's bad side and troubled my mum.

then I finished at 4.05pm (due at 4.30pm) and then deja vu all over again, driving air con off, pedal to the metal, late braking and understeering into and out of every corners, braking to a screeching stop at the toll for touch n' go. Very stressful, but also fun. And that's about RM20 worth of petrol gone.

Reach school with sweaty shirt and sweaty armpits, run up to the third floor and pant like a dog checking for last minute details. And then slip it in the assignment box.

Procrastinating, hazardous for you, and those around you.
Irresponsibiliy...
Lack of discipline...
Me...
Shit.

I live, to serve

2007-01-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

I remembered reading somewhere in a book that serving will nourish your soul, being cruel destroys it. Serving also brings out the kindness in you and teaches you to be humble.

while I was working on my goals and priorities list this morning, I created a to-do list, which was quite long, and at the last line, it reads ;

"I want to serve! find some time twice a week to serve at an oldfolks home"

While walking to the cafeteria, there was a donation booth for the Johor flood victims,
they also needed volunteers to help out over there,

"This is your chance to serve!"

I thought to myself...

It's a day trip, next saturday(10th February), come back around evening or night on the same day. I'll be going alone.

I want to, but worry of stuff like mosquito breeding there and stuff, I'm going to ask my dad at dinner later. I hope he lets me.

"Challenges are what make life interesting,
overcoming them is what makes life meaningful"

-Joshua J. Marine

Busy day tmr

2007-01-28T22:33:00.001+08:00

6.45 am : Send kids to school and drop granma at the taxi stand for her to go to the hospital
9.45 am : Go to police station with mum to report about the 'accident', to claim from insurance
11.30 am : Go 1u, tapau lunch(prosperity burger) for bro and maybe go window shopping and check if the arcade has re-opened, got raided by MPBJ about a week ago, dunno why.

1 pm : Fetch bro back from school, bath and go tuition straight
2 pm : Pick yvonne back, go to dad's office with granma.
2 pm ish : see 2nd hand kancil with father, see worth to buy or not. I'll be more interested in the paint, whether if it's a respray or original, if ori, then I can buff it out nicely to make it at least 50% brand new.
4 pm : come home, probably rest, or play some cs, or read my book, or watch tv.
5.45 pm : Pick kennedy back from tuition.
6.20 pm : Wash grandfather's car, clean interior(2 weeks since last regular cleaning, he's paying me RM40 a month to maintain it, cheap-ass-labour)
9 pm : prepare stuff to study tmr with Derek(my new friend, whom I met during my summer classes)

I want to brag about this dude.

Derek Quek, studying Biotech in my same uni.
I have 12 hours of classes per week during my normal semester,
he has 24 hours, twice of mine, he's from Seremban,
every friday or saturday he goes back to his place to work during the weekends,
he lives in a sufficient condo over here without the luxuries,
he's using a laptop without all the extras,
I can remember the clothes he wear,
He taught me how to do my assignment eventhough I'm the one doing the subject for the 2nd time.

He is ;
-dedicated
-diligent
-non-procrastinating
-thrifty! (this means saves alot rite?)
-humble
-knows his priorities.

He's one of my role models.

My other role models that I can easily remember is ;

Zey, www.zeytee.blogspot.com

-I would say that, he is the MOST MOSTEST uncritical person I've ever met...
on forums, when I would see a post that I disagree about and really want to disagree with that forummer...
Zey would post something that agrees with him instead...
- I can brag about this guy all day.

My other role model is my dad
He has, UNLIMITED patience and humility...seriously....
with my mum's temper(she's totally yhte opposite of my dad), I wonder how my dad went through all these years....

Just bought two books.

want to buy another one called, "the power of humility"

hmm, I feel that this post is not really myself and it's abit fake, coz maybe while typing, in my head I'm telling myself, ppl are going to read this, try to impress them...

I need to learn to be humble.

I'm gonna die

2007-01-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.

I'M GOING TO ..

..FUCKING DIE !!

For the Procrastinators

2007-01-18T22:04:00.000+08:00

When You Run In Place, Everyone Will Pass You By.

Failure's most successful strategy is procrastination. Now is the best time to be alive and productive. If you want to make an easy job seem difficult, just keep putting off doing it. "We're all fugitives, and the things we didn't do yesterday are the bloodhounds" (Prism). Said Joseph Newton, "A duty dodged is like a debt unpaid; it is only deferred and we must come back and settle the account at last."

What holds people back? "There are those of us who are always 'about' to live. We're waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down-until, until, until. It always seems that there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living" (George Sheehan). One of the days is really none of these days. The "sweet by and by" never comes. People who desire, but don't act, soon find themselves frozen. They make as much progress as a glacier.

About the only thing that comes to a procrastinator is old age. Do today what you want to postpone until tomorrow. "Do not allow idleness to deceive you; for while you give him today, he steals tomorrow from you" (H. Crowquill). Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging-on of an uncompleted task.

When a person gets into a habit of wasting time, they are sure to waste a great deal that does not belong to them. "One day, today, is worth two tomorrows" (Ben Franklin). What may be done at any time will be done at no time. "Life is like a taxi, the meter keeps a-ticking whether you're getting somewhere or standing still" (Lou Erickson). The successful person does the thing that others never get around to. What the fool does in the end, the wise person does in the beginning.

"Don't stand shivering upon the banks; plunge in at once and have it over with" (Sam Slick). Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week. If there's a hill to climb, don't think that waiting will make it any smaller.

An unsuccessful person takes a hundred steps because they would not take one at the right time. If possible, make the decision now, even if the action is in the future. A reviewed decision is usually better than one reached at the last moment. "The fool with all his other thoughts, has this also, he is always getting ready to live" (Epicurus). He who fiddles around seldom gets to lead the orchestra. There is danger in delay because it is always better to reap two days too soon than one day too late.

Attack procrastination by elminating all excuses and reasons for not taking decisive and immediate action. "Tomorrow will I live," the fool does say; tomorrow itself is too late; the wise live yesterday" (Martial). "While the fool is enjoying the little he has, I will hunt for more. The way to hunt for more is to utilize your odd moments . . . the man who is always killing time is really killing his own chances in life" (Arthur Brisbane)

-Copyright of John Mason

Come back and read this again whenever you are feeling lazy, or slacking about, because motivation is not permanent.

life's in the pits

2007-01-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

lately, my inner dialogue has been bringing me down...

"I'm not gonna get a girl..."
"No one loves me..."
"To be loved, you have to love"
"I know"
"that's why..."
sigh...

these thoughts are like on replay over and over all day...
mr.self-help-book-reader here who thinks he's got all the positive thinking thing in his head now ain't so positive anymore.

life's in the pits....

it's hard to get these thoughts outta my head...
everytime I erase them, they'll come back again,
the more I think about them the deeper the dig into my brain, (hey that rhymed)

I went on a trip yesterday with a group of highschool friends whom are all great people

one has great enthusiasm and sincerity,
one has enthusiasm, kindness and is caring,
two of whom are down to earth and doesn't give a fuck about what other ppl thinks,
one is tactful, sweet, and nice
one knows the right things to say at the right time,

I wish I had any one of those qualities.
I tried to be enthusiastic, it lasted about a day,
I tried to be kind and caring, but my 'want-face' attitude showed that it was rather fake,
same goes to being down-to-earth...

please...
help...
me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's 2007!!!!!

2007-01-01T02:28:00.000+08:00

booohahaha, first and foremost let me share someone I saw at around 2am, 1st January, 2007.
I dunno who is that but it's a she, and she wore a body hugging beige spaghetti strap, with her black bra strap visible, and then she wore chocolate jeans and what a shapely booty she has, and her hair was long and straight and she wore some cool glasses. oooh I'm in love!!! sexy sexy hot hot!

anyway what did I do, (it'll be a bit boring from here) I became a waiter at my mum's Chinatown Kopitiam, I dunno what is it with me, everytime when there's rush hour and I'm a waiter, I just get so pumped and fired up, the pressure and speed combines to give you that adrenaline surge, that's addictive! Call me dumb, but, I love being a waiter at rush hour!

then we had a countdown at the shop 10,9,...3,2,1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! boom baang, then we saw the fireworks shooting from 1u and The Curve/Ikano/Ikea/Tesco, and then I had to send an uncle back, which was just before the curve, and I need to go trhough it to U-turn back, that place had a concert there, and it was FRIGGIN PACKED! cars were stuck at every road, not moving for 5minutes. After 5 minutes, cars probably made a 1cm crawl. After waiting half an hour, I just gave up, parked the car at the side, locked it and walked to see what's holding up the traffic.

I walked and walked till I reached my mum's shop! which was about 10 mins drive away, about 40-50 mins walk? Nothing caused the jam, just massive traffic jammed together at the same time.

Although I didn't get to spend time with muh frens, which I really wanted to, I wasn't that disappointed cause I got to be a waiter at rush hour! Saw awesome fireworks, drive like a freaking sohai(my favourite bit everyday), blast my groove coverage while waiting half an hour in a jam, getting to help my parents(so I can ask them to tint my car, XP) and seeing a super chun hot hot sizzling hot sexy baby chick!!!! waaaaa heart meltzzz (haha lala shit).

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!

How do you,

2006-12-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

counter the feeling of hate?

anyone?

How I spent my Christmas eve

2006-12-28T20:36:00.000+08:00

I'm sure everyone has lots of partying stories, friends getting drunk after the countdown, or during the countdown. Having a wonderful dinner with friends and/or family, or just diong something that makes them feel really good and happy.
Most of the time, christmas isn't something really that I bother about, except that when I was younger, my sis and I would use to hang Christmas socks on the cupboard, and we'd go to sleep before twelve, and when we wake up in the morning, we would find gifts in the socks! I I really believed in 'Santa' that time, until two christmases later when I foudn out it was actually my mother. Wonderful childhood memories, times when there were no obligations or responsibilities, just HAVING FUN TO THE MAX!

Talk about having fun to the max, there was once where my sis and I woke up and then excitedly played our new video game console, the Sega 32-bit, the one with the cartridge, yes, that one, without a controller that vibrates. I remembered playing th titles Alladin and Sonic the Hedgehog, that day, my sis and I would wake up, play, eat and continue playing. We played till the evening, when mum returned, we were still in our pyjamas from yesternight!
Then she realy scold like a beast, I remembered that it was super loud and it was one of the scariest days, of my life! Not only the scolding, she would also bring a cane/rotan and cane us.
I got caned in my left arm, near the shoulder(the area where they inject ur BCG), she caned me twice on that area, it created an 'X' mark, and it bleed.

I mean, the blood not like flowing down like that lah, just had a bloody(literally) red 'X' on my left arm. ouch..

So this christmas eve, hmmm, lemme see, what did I do. There were no christmas socks or turkey. I woke up at around 12 noon, I would've slept longer if my mum didn't call me to run some errand for her, drove to somewhere, can't remember where, and tehn reached home and then brouhgt my granma out and came home, then helped my mother go to two places to get more things and came home. I forgot what I did, but I drove since I woke up until about 8pm and then go tapau KFC coz my mum was celebrating with her staff at her kopitiam(and I was suppose to join her), reached there at around 9pm, then went out again to find baloons, coz she wanted to play some games, reached back at 10, coz cannot find.

and most of the errand she asked me to do, she kinda raised her voice abit, which got me even more and more frustrated with every word that comes out of her mouth. Since I woke up, I didn't get to do anything I want. Then at 10pm, my friend called me to go out with them and celebrate I assume, so I told my mum I going out with my friends. And then she 'say' me, in front of her staff, this that this that. I say my friend call, then I just go, then she show me that FACE, that really dissatisfied to the extreme face. fucker. fuck her la, i whole day do things for u, i go out one nite with my friends also cannot?

then I took my car and sped away from the shop, that time I was fuming like wanan explode already.

ARRRGGHH!!!!!, I exploded.

"MELETUPP!!!!! MELETUUPP!!! AKU NAK MELETUPP NI!!!!!!!!!!!!"
translation :
"EXPLOOODDEE!! EXPLODDEE!!! I'M GOING TO EXPLODEEE!!!!!!"
"FUCK HER LA CIIII BAI!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

driving home, like a mad man zig-zagging, tailgating,

"AAAAHH, FFFFFUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!"

then I go home, called my friend, told him that I cannot come out coz my mum dun let, I already didn't had the bloody mood to do anything already. Then I just changed and went to bed, ad sunk into my how-to-be-positive book.

How to be positive when most of the people around you are so negative and saying things that are bringing you down.
Negativity or positivity is contagious, bad or good attitude is contagious.
It's hard to remain positive.

The whole day I've been trying to maintain that positive attitude,
tolerating her words, and kept my patience at a very high level.
towards the end of the day, my patience canister was almost empty. Until that last bit, patience ran out, and exploded.

Typing this is already making me sweaty.

But after that, we said sorry to each other, I forgived her, not sure if she did forgive me. And things are okay now, now I don't even get to see her often, for the past few days, when I'm out, she's home, when she's home, I'm out.

I want to see you mummy...I miss you

How?

2006-12-27T18:12:00.000+08:00

How to be don't want face?
How to be humble?
How to be not fake?
How to be down-to-earth?

I'm sick of my own attitude.